Uheat Joke Friday - Happy Friday Everyone

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Happy New Year everybody. Our Joke Friday for 2022 thread starts here! Leave your jokes and replies below, we will be replying to this every Friday with new jokes!

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[Uheat - Jacob]

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[telectrix]

what do you say to an apprentice with 2 black eyes?

nothing, you've already told him twice.

 

[littlespark]

A young lad asked his mum where poo came from.
After a hesitation, she decided to explain, as best she could, how the food the boy eats is broken down by acids… it’s journey through the stomach to the intestines…..

The little chap look horrified… then… in a small, hushed voice he asked…..

“And….. and Piglet?”

 

[Uheat - Jacob]

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[Uheat - Jacob]

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[Uheat - Jacob]

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[Uheat - Jacob]

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[Uheat - Jacob]

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[Uheat - Jacob]

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[Uheat - Jacob]

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[Uheat - Jacob]

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[Uheat - Jacob]

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[Uheat - Jacob]

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[Uheat - Jacob]

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[loz2754]

Thanks for the giggles, however my old eyes struggle to read the tiny font.

Please make it a bit bigger in future

 

[Uheat - Jacob]

Thanks for the giggles, however my old eyes struggle to read the tiny font.

Please make it a bit bigger in future

Shall do - no problem

 

[Moley]

Please make it a bit bigger in future

You sound just like my wife

 

[nicebutdim]

Thanks for the giggles, however my old eyes struggle to read the tiny font.

Please make it a bit bigger in future

Must be cut and pasted, appearing small on a phone screen, as it's larger than standard font on a laptop.

 

[telectrix]

old army colonel is reiterating his experiences in India to his grandson, call him John.

colonel: scariest experience i had was an attack by a Tiger.
John: What happened?
Colonel: He came out of the brush anf leapt at me, with a Roaarr.
John: What happened then?
Colonel: I shat myself>.
When the Tiger leapt?

Colonel: No. Just now , when I said Roaarr.

 

[Uheat - Jacob]

Despite cleaning all the stains off, I lost my job as a church window cleaner!


I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined… Wednesday is open Mike night!


I took my new puppy for his first shots today... Poor little thing threw up everywhere. Maybe tequila wasn't the best choice!


I took my kids to the zoo last week… Popping back today to see if they've settled in!


Everything is easier said than done...unless it's Worcestershire Sauce!


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[Uheat - Jacob]

Caught my wife going through the neighbours bins... She's not nosey, just terrible at parking!


Just been told my son has swallowed his phone and it got stuck in his throat... I'm gonna ring his neck!


A man fell into a display of 300 golf clubs at a sports shop earlier today... Doctors have said that he should be ok but he's not out of the woods yet!


My wife said she was fed up with me putting the name of a vegetable in every sentence. "Are you going to stop?" she said. "Not neccecelery," I said.


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[Uheat - Jacob]

I've just driven behind an Audi that let someone out and used indicators... Naturally, I took a note of the reg and reported it stolen!

Here's an idea for an invention: A thought-controlled air freshener… It makes scents when you think about it!

My online banking password has been hacked again... This will be the third time I've had to rename the dog!

I bought a greyhound yesterday. My wife said, "Are you going to race him?" I said, "No, he’s much faster than me!"

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[Uheat - Jacob]

The wife was all dressed as a pedal bin for the fancy dress party when it was cancelled at the last minute... Boy did she flip her lid!


My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner… So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm!


I took my suit to the cleaners, who wanted to charge me £15. Instead I gave my suit to the charity shop next door. They cleaned and pressed it, and put it in the window. I bought it for £4.50!


I had eczema, diarrhoea and haemorrhoids over the weekend... My best game of Scrabble ever!


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[Uheat - Jacob]

I feel really claustrophobic when I visit my local chemist… I fear I've become too big for my Boots!

I really do regret buying the flat above Lionel Richie!

The man who sets retail prices has died... RRP

Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee!

I never thought that I would be the type of person to get up early in the morning to go running… I was right!

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