A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[dan86]

The wife wanted to try a bit of role reversal in the bedroom.

I hated it though, I just sat there half the night with my arms folded while she was down the pub.

 

[specs]

specs - how come your post count isn't going up? it's been stuck on 100 for a while now.

they don't count as posts mate.

 

[specs]

A man and wife are in bed one night when suddenly there's a knock at the door. Bleary eyed, the man staggers down the stairs mumbling profanities and opens the front door to see an old man.

"Im sorry to have woken you up but i was wondering if you can help me by giving me a bit of a push?" "what??" Replied the man, "you woke me ip at two in the morning for that? Get lost. I have work in the morning" He slams the door and marches back upstairs. As he gets into bed his wife enquires as to who was at the door.

"Oh, some old fella wanting a push. At this time of night" he snapped.

"And you didn't help him?" His wife asked, "What if it were me and our car broke down. Do you think you'd be happy knowing someone couldn't be bothered to help me? I think you should go out there and help him right now"

"Oh alright" he muttered. He put on his housecoat and the nearest pair of shoes and went back downstairs to see if the man was still there.

Upon getting outside, he couldn't see the man or his car anywhere. "Hello!? Are you still there?" He shouted.

"Im over here" a voice called out. "on the swings"

 

[specs]

These fit so well they should be in a dictionary.




ADULT:

A person who has stopped growing at both ends

and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOUR:

A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS:

The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:

A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:

Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:

Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:

Cold Storage..

INFLATION:

Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:

An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:

A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:

Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:

A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:

The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:

One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

YAWN:

An honest opinion openly expressed.

 

[specs]

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A handful of 7 year old children were asked, 'what they thought of beer.'

Tim- 'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'
Melanie - 'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.'

Grady - 'My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties.'

Toby - 'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'

Sarah - 'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.'

Lilly - 'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'

Ethan - 'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'

Mary - 'I think beer tastes bitter and I don't like it. Mom likes it, but she gets tired and leans on guys and they have to help her to the bedroom for a quick nap. When they come back, she is all perky and happy, and the guys are all tired out.'

Shirley - 'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'

Brittney - 'I don't like beer, but mom says it helps you get the guys you want, so I'll have to learn to like it.'

Jack - 'My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'

Fergie - 'My mom never drinks beer when dad is home, but he sometimes does. Then she yells at him when it makes him want to smooch. Mom only drinks beer when dad is away. When it makes her want to smooch, she will do it with everybody, even the Pizza guy, and he is weird.'

Alice - 'My sister told me you have to drink your own weight in beer before you start to like it. She has some ways to go yet, I think. The guys usually ignore her until they have had a whole lot of beer, then they get nice and play with her.'

Brad - 'Beer tastes disgusting. My brother told me it makes you think the girls are pretty. With his girlfriend I would need an awful lot of beer.'

 

[specs]

A traveling salesman, in the middle of his two-week stint on the road, walks into a ----- house. The salesman whips out $300.00 and hands it to the Madam of the house.
"Give me the WORST lay you have here." he says.
The Madam, looking confused, says, "But sir, for this kind of money, you can have one of my very BEST girls."
The salesman, not to be discouraged, says, "Please, I just want the WORST piece of --- in the house."
The Madam, now getting a bit upset replies, "Sir, for $300.00, you could get the best lay of your life."
Sheepishly the salesman says, "I don't want the best lay of my life. I'm not horny - I'm homesick!"

 

[specs]

After living in Shanghai for 50 years a Chinese man decides to move to Australia.

He buys a small piece of land near Mt Isa.

A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the

new guy to the region.
He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his

front yard chasing about 10 hens.
Not wanting to interrupt any Chinese custom, he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through

the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it.

Not wanting to interrupt another Chinese custom, he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull

down the drive-way, pause, and then put an ear next to the bull's bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it

with your Chinese customs ? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around

the yard after hens. The next day you are ****ing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head

so close to that bull's arse, it could just about **** on you.'

The Chinese man is very taken back and says, ' Sorry sir, you no understand.. These no Chinese customs I

doing, these Australian Customs.''

What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't Australian customs................

'Yes they are', replied the Chinese man, 'travel agent man say to become true blue Australian, I must learn

chase chicks, drink ****, and listen to bull ****.

 

[specs]

When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the American ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle.
"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"
"A penis," replied Madame deGaulle.
A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer...and no one knew what to say next.
Finally, Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said,
"Ma cherie, I believe zee Americans pronounce zat word, 'appiness."

 

[Brightspark2]

I swallowed two pieces of string and a couple of hours later they came out of my --- tied together.


I sh!t you knot!

 

[specs]

In a recent On-line poll 38,562 men across the UK were asked to identify a woman's ultimate fantasy.

98.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning

 

[specs]

A professor gives his psychology class a pop quiz.

One question he asks is, "What part of the human anatomy may expand up to ten times under certain circumstances?"

He picks a rather overdressed girl in the front row to answer it. "Miss Callahan!"

The indicated girl, who heard the question, stammers with some embarrassment: "Professor, I'd rather not answer that question."

The professor says, "That's all right, Miss Callahan, you don't need to answer it. Is there anyone present who can answer it?" He notes an interested face in the back of the classroom. "Mr. Hawkins!"

Hawkins says, "Yes, Professor, it is the pupil of the eye that may expand to ten times." The professor says, "That is correct, Mr. Hawkins."

Then he turns to Miss Callahan. He says, "Young lady, two things are obvious from your reaction to this question. One, you haven't studied this week's assignment; and Two, I'm afraid marriage is going to be a tremendous disappointment to you."

 

[specs]

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

"I kicked her in the face.

 

[specs]

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless Sundress, Walked into a bar in Dublin ..

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,

"What man here will buy a woman drink?

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed,

"Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink, and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked,

"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another Drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"


The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

 

[Geordie Spark]

CANCEL YOUR CREDIT CARD BEFORE YOU DIE ....... JUST PRICELESS

Reported in the Newcastle Evening Chronicle Recently:
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless. And so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!

A lady died this last September, and MBNA bank billed her in October and November for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then in December added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.
The balance that had been £0.00, now is somewhere around - £60.00.

A family member rang MBNA:

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you that my grandmother died in September.'

MBNA: 'But the account was never closed and so the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to your collections section.'

MBNA: 'Since it is two months over due, it already has been.'

Family Member: 'So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

MBNA: 'Either report her account to the Frauds Department or report her to The Credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be upset with her?'

MBNA: 'Excuse me?'

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you . . The part about her being dead?'

MBNA: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm phoning to tell you, she died in September.'
MBNA: 'But the account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

MBNA: (Stammer) 'Are you her solicitor?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her grandson'

MBNA: 'Could you fax us a death certificate?'

Family Member: 'no problem.'

( fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

MBNA: 'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member: 'Well, if you sort it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'

MBNA: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'

Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'

MBNA: 'That would help.'

Family Member: ' Plot 1049.' Heaton Cemetery, Heaton Road , Newcastle upon Tyne

MBNA: 'But, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'Well, what the Hell do you do with dead people on your planet?'

The MBNA were not available for comment when a reporter from the Newcastle Evening Chronicle rang them

A very similar thing happened when my Father died and I was getting hassle from some debt collecting shyster. I gave the address of the cemetery too. Never heard any more about it .............

 

[specs]

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken back.

"Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's Bicycle chain, or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all...My husband and I put it on the door knob to keep the kids out.

 

[specs]

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly:

"I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to" his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace...I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

 

[specs]

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher,, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...",

As he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety.

The officer was clearly terrified.

The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"

 

[specs]

One day, a class of third graders from the city was taking a field trip to

the country to visit a small farm. The kids were amazed to see all the

different kinds of animals on the farm. So the farmer asks one little girl,

"What's the difference between a rooster and a hen?"

"The hen lays eggs." replied the little girl. "Very good!" said the farmer.

Then the farmer asked another little girl, "What's the difference between a

duck and a turkey?"

"Well," replied the little girl. "Turkeys can't swim and turkeys are what we

have on Thanksgiving Day."



"Very good!" exclaimed the farmer. Then he asks little Johnny, "Do you know

the difference between a bull and a cow?"

"Yes, I do" replied little Johnny from the city. "Bulls smile when you milk

them."

 

[specs]

The Real Laws

1. Law of Mechanical Repair -After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity- Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3.Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

6. Variation Law- If you change lines (supermarket or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8.Law of Close Encounters-The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with whom you don't want to be seen.

9.Law of the Result- When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10.Law of Biomechanics -The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11..Law of the Theater & Sporting Events - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12.The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers- If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces- The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance- If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking- A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy- As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it, or change it.

19.Doctors' Law- If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, and by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick

 

[specs]

The Real Laws

1. Law of Mechanical Repair -After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity- Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3.Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

6. Variation Law- If you change lines (supermarket or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8.Law of Close Encounters-The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with whom you don't want to be seen.

9.Law of the Result- When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10.Law of Biomechanics -The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11..Law of the Theater & Sporting Events - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12.The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers- If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces- The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance- If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking- A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy- As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it, or change it.

19.Doctors' Law- If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, and by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick

Please feel free to add your own under the appropriate heading of 'sods law' Thank you.