A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[Dipzy]

It was my first time ever

And I'll
Never forget

I'd do it
Again

Without a
Single regret.

The sky was
Dark

The moon
Was high

We were all
Alone

Just she
And I.

Her hair
Was soft

Her eyes
Were blue

I knew just
What

She wanted
To do.

Her skin so
Soft

Her legs so
Fine

I ran my
Fingers

Down her
Spine.

I didn't
Know how

But I tried
My best

I started
By placing

My hands on
Her breast.

I remember
My fear

My fast
Beating heart

But slowly
She spread

Her legs
Apart.

And when I
Did it
I felt no shame

All at
Once

The white
Stuff came.

At last
it's finished

It's all
Over now

My first
Time ever

At milking
A cow...

 

[Dipzy]

Marriage Humor .

[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

-------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

---------------------------------------------------


Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet... Why?'

Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'

Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'

Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'

--------------------------------------------------------

Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'We ll that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

------------------------------------------------------------

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

-------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

---

​

Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the
Head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on
it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name
of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the
head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

 

[Dipzy]

[FONT=&quot]CHINESE SICK LEAVE :

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!'[/FONT]





[FONT=&quot]Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]hurt, I no come work.'[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The boss John says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]wife and tell her to give me S[/FONT][FONT=&quot]*[/FONT][FONT=&quot]x. That makes everything[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]better and I go to work. You try that.'
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]say and I feel Great. I be at work soon.........You got[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]nice house'[/FONT]

 

[Dipzy]

A HR Manager, his Assistant, an old woman and her young daughter are traveling in a train and during the course of time get themselves introduced to each other and become temporary friends.

The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark.

Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!

The train comes out of the tunnel.

The women and the Assistant are sitting there looking perplexed.

The Manager is bending over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap.

All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.

The Old woman is thinking:

“These Managers are all crazy after girls. He must have kissed my daughter in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him.”

The Young girl is thinking:

“The Manager must have tried to kiss me but kissed my mother instead and got slapped.”

The Manager is thinking:

“Damn it. My Assistant must have kissed the young girl. She might have thought it was me and slapped me.”

Now guess what the Assistant is thinking.

Now hold your breath and read what the Assistant is thinking………..

“If this train goes through another tunnel I will make another kissing sound and slap my Manager again. The Rascal keeps harassing me in the Office....

 

[MDJ]

This African bloke walked into my pub holding a bucket. He said, 'Can you fill this up with water?' I said 'Blimey, how many miles have you walked for this?' He said, 'None, you cheeky ****, I'm the new window cleaner'

 

[RmBo_0]

Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don't try to surprise
Oscar Pistorius.

 

[telectrix]

but was he pist, legless, or guilty.

 

[RmBo_0]

I think he just got cold feet about the relationship.

 

[telectrix]

well, he's going to need to steel himself for some heavy police questioning.

 

[RmBo_0]

And just when he had the world at his knees.

 

[MarkieSparkie]

I don't think he has a leg to stand on!

 

[dan86]

The newspapers have been publishing pictures of Kate Middletons tiny bump.

So that's all three of them photographed now then.

 

[sparkwood]

roses are red violets are glorious never sneak up on Oscar Pistorious !!!

 

[sparkwood]

did you know its illegal to have ---- sex in iceland........not sure if its the same in farmfoods lol

 

[sparkwood]

my mate went to the doctors on wednesday because he shouts COME ON MAN UTD everytime he masturbates...........the doctor told him most w**kers do !!!!

 

[dan86]

I see what Pistorius is doing. He is going to jail for 25 year and when he gets released...Bang! President of South Africa. That's how it works over there, right?

 

[tomplumbuk]

my mate went to the doctors on wednesday because he shouts COME ON MAN UTD everytime he masturbates...........the doctor told him most w**kers do !!!!

Too true - LOL!

 

[hubsy]

Is this sad or funny.


woman goes into a shop on Valentines day.
assistant asks her what she got for valentines day
NOTHING she said, my partner cheated on me last night.
then she burst into tears.

Its true...

 

[dan86]

FOR SALE

Full set of mechanics tools and overalls.

£500 ono.

Contact Sally Webster.

4 Coronation Street.

 

[Rappid]

What's black bushy and found down school girls knickers?
Kevin Webster's moustache