A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[MarkieSparkie]

Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when
he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion...
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist
to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife
could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this
tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied...
'My God, Bill what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No Bill, I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh... she got fired too.'

 

[MarkieSparkie]

A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,
'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said.
'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied,
'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.
'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!'

 

[MarkieSparkie]

An elderly couple on their wedding night…
They both get into bed.
Him "I've been waiting for this night for so long."
Her "I have something I need to tell you, I’m afraid I have acute angina."
Him "Your ---- aren’t bad either."

 

[MarkieSparkie]

[FONT=&amp]There was a bit of confusion at the local superstore this morning.
When an elderly man was ready to pay for his groceries,
the cashier said, "Strip down facing me."
He did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided,
he found out that she was referring to his credit card.
He has been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
The superstore has promised to make their instructions to pensioners a little clearer![/FONT]

 

[Hawk]

Why do women have 2 sets of lips?

So they can pish and moan at the same time!

 

[grantr37]

??????

 

[grantr37]

The MovieWavs Page - Bruce Almighty: flatulence.mp3


The MovieWavs Page - Bruce Almighty: gibberish.mp3

The MovieWavs Page - Bruce Almighty: dodachacha.mp3


The MovieWavs Page - Star Wars: knowbett.mp3

 

[greentechtown]

Engineer versus Lawyers.
There was once an engineer who found a magic lamp. When he rubbed it, a genie jumped out and said to him, "You have three wishes. But there is a catch - this wish system of mine was designed by a lawyer, so whatever you wish for every lawyer in the world will get double."

The engineer replied, "That's no problem, I can live with that." He then said, "For my first wish, I wish I had a Ferarri."

"OK", said the genie, and a Ferarri appeared in front of the engineer. "But remember, every lawyer in the world now has 2 Ferarris," the genie told the engineer.

The engineer remained unperturbed and said, "For my second wish, I wish for a million pounds." So a million pounds appeared in front of the engineer and the genie said, "Remember, every lawyer in the world now has 2 million pounds."

The engineer was non-committal and then said, "I’ve always wished I could donate a kidney!"

Funny.... Really funny.

 

[vjsmarwick]

Three cowboys 20 30 and 40 year old get captured by Indians and taken in front of the chief one at a time.
The chief tells the 40 year old he can have one last wish so he says he will have a woman for the night. The big chief refused and ordered him to be killed.
Next the 30 year old was taken in front of the chief and again he was told he could have a last wish. He to wanted a woman for the night and was refused and killed.
Finally it was the turn of the shy 20 year old and he too got a final request. Being shy he requested 2 bits of bread and butter.
The big chief was surprised and gave him his wish.
He quickly started to masterbate between them the big chief asked what he was doing and the cowboy replied " white man --- in piece "

 

[Engineer54]

The Cow, the Ant and the Old Fart


A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

The cow said, ....."I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"

The ant said, ......"I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"


























Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something.

 

[Engineer54]

WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED:
[TABLE="class: ecxMsoNormalTable, width: 100%"]
[TR]
[TD="width: 100%"]

Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack...
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes.


___________________________________




Men Are Just Happier People
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as
Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. Th ere's no use in two people remembering the same thing!


​

[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]

 

[vjsmarwick]

Three newly wed couples were sitting in a hotel having breakfast the first new husband says to his wife " pass the honey honey" the second one on hearing this thought he better be romantic too so asked his new wife " pas the sugar sugar " the third husband panics looks around the table quickly and says the only thing he could think of " pass the milk you old cow "

 

[Geordie Spark]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]ThePower of Prayer.[/FONT]




[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]Sothere was a Bishop, a Priest and a Rabbi sharing a compartment on atrain travelling north from London (yes .. I know .. don't ask !!)and they were deep in conversation about religion and before longthey began to discuss the power of prayer.[/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]TheBishop began with telling the others about the time he was on acruise ship that found itself sailing in the middle of a very severestorm: “Yes my friends, the wond was gale force, the waves weremountainous, the ship was pitching and rolling like a mad thing andpassengers were being flung about like rag dolls. Women werescreaming, children were crying and grown men were sliding about inpools of vomit.[/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]Clearly,something had to be done but what could be done? I had the idea ofoffering a prayer to the Lord for our safety and got down on my kneesand prayed like I've never prayed before. Suddenly, all around ourship and for a radius of about five miles the wind stooped and theseas became as calm as a millpond and it stayed that way all the wayto the end of our destination. Now THAT was the power of prayer.”[/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]ThePriest began with: “Ah yes, that is truly a remarkable thing andnot unlike something that happened to me. I was a passenger in anairliner flying from New York to London when we flew into a stormjust like the one you described. There was thunder & lightningand hailstones the size of golf balls hitting our aircraft which waspitching up and down like a roller-coaster. The passengers were in apanic & the cabin crew could do nothing to calm them, so I tookit upon myself to pray to God for our safe passage. No sooner had Ifinished my prayer, that the storm cleared and for a radius of aboutten miles around us the skies were calm and clear and we landedsafely at Heathrow airport right on time.”[/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]Nowit was the Rabbi's turn: “Well gentlemen, my story isn't asexciting or dramatic as yours, but nevertheless it is trulyremarkable; One Sabbath, I was just going into the Synagogue when Inoticed a shopping bag just outside the doorway. What is this? Iasked myself, soI carefully looked inside it. Imaging my surprisewhen I saw it was full of money !! There were bundles of £20, £10and even £50 notes in it, but what am I to do? This is the Sabbathday and it is against our religion to handle money on the Sabbath.[/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]Ithought long and hard about the dilemma I found myself in and decidedto ask for God's help,and started to pray to Him. Before I had evenfinished my prayer, suddenly, all around me it was …...[/FONT]


…[FONT=Arial, sans-serif].........................WEDNESDAY !!!![/FONT]

 

[Essexboy7]

like it

 

[Pauld16]

Three newly wed couples were sitting in a hotel having breakfast the first new husband says to his wife " pass the honey honey" the second one on hearing this thought he better be romantic too so asked his new wife " pas the sugar sugar " the third husband panics looks around the table quickly and says the only thing he could think of " pass the milk you old cow "

Quality.

 

[tonto33]

Some bloke walked up to the counter and said, "Burger and chips, please."

"Certainly, Sir," I replied. "Are you eating in or taking out?"

"**** off you ****," he snapped, before walking off with his food.

I love working in the prison canteen.

 

[telectrix]

an electrician, a mechanic, and a lawyer are shipwrecked in shark infested waters. the sharks are hungry. they ate 2, the electrician and the mechanic , but left the lawyer. why?...........................


professional etiquette.

 

[jharrington]

Lol....

 

[MarkieSparkie]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was
closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.


The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

****ed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly,"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably
don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and
opened fire.

There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder and then stick it in his ear

 

[Kamikaze]

pml...going to have to steal that one Markie. :yes: