A new jokes thread for your amusement.

M

MarkieSparkie

Engineers and the Supersonic Jet.
Back in the 70's, a jet manufacturer was trying to build a jet that would go Mach 4 (4 times the speed of sound for non-aeronautical types). Finally after many years of design, the jet was finished. A test pilot took it out for its maiden flight. Everyone gathered around ... and the plane went to Mach 1 ... Mach 2 ... Mach 3 ... Mach 3.5 ... and the wings ripped off, the plane hit the ground and killed the test pilot.

The engineers went back to the design and spent months re-vamping it. They came out with the new and improved second version, but when they tested it, it had the same disastrous results: the plane's wings ripped off and the pilot was killed in the crash.

The engineers went through 7 iterations, until finally they were about to give up. They decided to contact Bob, a retired engineer with the reputation of being able to fix all problems.

Bob comes in, asks to see all the design figures, charts, and drawings, and takes them home to study them. He calls the next day and says he has discovered a solution to the problem: drill holes vertically through the wings at the exact spot where they attach to the body.

At first everyone argues - the wings are ripping off now, why drill holes to them? but Bob insists that it will work. So eventually, they give in and do it. The jet is tested later that day and not only does it reach Mach4, but it goes to Mach5.3 before the test is declared over and successful.

All the engineers rush to Bob and congratulate him for his uncanny ability to discover the solution. "How did you know?" asks one of the engineers.

"Well, I'll tell you. I was on the toilet, and it occurred to me - toilet paper never tears along the perforations."
 
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Electrician Forum | post electrician forum threads here
Engineer versus Lawyers.
There was once an engineer who found a magic lamp. When he rubbed it, a genie jumped out and said to him, "You have three wishes. But there is a catch - this wish system of mine was designed by a lawyer, so whatever you wish for every lawyer in the world will get double."

The engineer replied, "That's no problem, I can live with that." He then said, "For my first wish, I wish I had a Ferarri."

"OK", said the genie, and a Ferarri appeared in front of the engineer. "But remember, every lawyer in the world now has 2 Ferarris," the genie told the engineer.

The engineer remained unperturbed and said, "For my second wish, I wish for a million pounds." So a million pounds appeared in front of the engineer and the genie said, "Remember, every lawyer in the world now has 2 million pounds."

The engineer was non-committal and then said, "I’ve always wished I could donate a kidney!"
 
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Who designed the Human Body?
Three engineering students were sitting around talking between classes, when one brought up the question of who designed the human body.

One of the students insisted that the human body must have been designed by an electrical engineer because of the perfection of the nerves and synapses.

Another disagreed, and exclaimed that it had to have been a mechanical engineer who designed the human body. The system of levers and joints is ingenious.

"No," the third student said "You’re both wrong. The human body was designed by an architect. Who else but an architect would have put a toxic waste pipe through a recreation area?"
 
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The things the sales and marketing department say... and the real engineering explanation!.

Major Technological Breakthrough
Back to the drawing board.

Developed after years of intensive research
It was discovered by accident.

The designs are well within allowable limits
We just made it, stretching a point or two.

Test results were extremely gratifying
It works, and are we surprised!

Customer satisfaction is believed assured
We are so far behind schedule that the customer was happy to get anything at all.

Close project coordination
We should have asked someone else; or, let's spread the responsibility for this.

Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen difficulties
We are working on something else.

The design will be finalized in the next reporting period
We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something.

A number of different approaches are being tried
We don't know where we're going, but we're moving.

Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem
We just hired three new guys; we'll let them kick it around for a while.

Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive
The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

The entire concept will have to be abandoned
The only guy who understood the thing quit.

Modifications are under way to correct certain minor difficulties
We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.

Essentially complete.
Half done.

We predict...
We hope to God!

Drawing release is lagging.
Not a single drawing exists.

Risk is high, but acceptable.
100 to 1 odds, or with 10 times the budget and 10 times the manpower, we may
have a 50/50 chance.

Serious, but not insurmountable problems.
It will take a miracle. God should be the program manager.

Not well defined.
Nobody has thought about it.

Requires further analysis and management attention.
Totally out of control.

The project is designed for high availability.
Malfunctions will be blamed on the operator’s mistakes.

This project has low maintenance requirements.
We wouldn't let the technicians change a light bulb, much less fool around with our baby.

The software is being developed without excessive process overhead.
The documentation will be written in clear and lucid Chinese.

The delivery is scheduled for the last quarter of next year.
This leaves us plenty of time to decide who to blame for it being late.
 
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What the difference between a car tyre and 365 condoms?
[FONT=&amp]One’s a Goodyear and the others a bloody good year![/FONT]
 
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A young kid gets lost in ASDA. A member of staff comforts her and guides here to Customer Services to make an announcement calling for the child’s mother, who is shopping in the store, to collect her child. The Greeter asks over PA system “What’s Mummy like dear?” As quick as a flash the girl replies, all matter of fact, “Big dicks and Vodka!” All the shoppers in the store are stopped in their tracks, and the Mother is left blushing with embarrassment.
 
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Microsoft should cross the Windows 8 operating system with the wife and create their first computer that never goes down!
 
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I can’t understand why my woollens shrink. The garment label says “Hand Wash”. I’ve tried washing my hands before putting the woollens in the washing machine but it seems to make no difference what so ever!
 
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I saw a sign on the motorway today; it said “Tiredness Kills!”...
If I had known that earlier, I would not have stayed up all last weekend watching DVDs… I could have died!
 
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[FONT=&quot]Have you heard about the new Welsh boxing sensation… Sugar Di-abetes![/FONT]
 
[FONT=&quot]I’m sure you have heard the phrase “The grass is always greener on the other side.” …
Well don’t be fooled it still needs bloody mowing![/FONT]
 
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"Well, I'll tell you. I was on the toilet, and it occurred to me - toilet paper never tears along the perforations."

hahaha...well done!
 
Polo the mint with the hole.


Polo the mint with the non fattening centre


Llantrisant a hole with The Mint!


and remember

A forward inclination of the occiput has similar efficacy to the temporary occlusion of a single optic to a visually impaired equine.
 
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Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten.
It's called a wedding cake
 
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I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection... but she did.

- - - Updated - - -

1px.gif
 
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[TD="class: Label, colspan: 3"]There was a small boy who was put to bed by his parents. The boy had a nightmare, and got out of bed to go to his parents room.

When he got there, he saw mummy bouncing up and down on daddy. When his dad noticed him in the doorway, the kid ran away.

The mother got off and got dressed quickly, and went to the boy's room. He was in his bed, and he asked, "Mummy, what were you doing to daddy?"

The mother replied, "Well, your father has noticed his belly getting bigger, and I was just trying to flatten his tummy for him by bouncing on it."

"Oh, that's what you were doing. But you're wasting your time mummy." The boy said.

"Oh, and why is that?" The mum asked.

"Because everyday when you leave for work, the lady next door comes over, gets on her knees and blows it right back up again."

[/TD]
 
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Okay, all of you who believe in psychokinesis... raise my hand.
 
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Geordie Spark said:
Did ye hear the one aboot the sparkies who thowt they wez chattin'-up a bord on a forum, but it torned oot it wez a gay gadgee??


Oh ..... hang on ... :oops::vanish:
Click to expand...



I hear he makes all his own blouses...........:ciappa:
:heart::bow::ihih::gorgeous::001_icon16::lips::wub:
 
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A recession is when your neighbour can’t get a job
A depression is when you can’t get a job
A recovery is when David Cameron loses his job
 
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Pyro plastic explosives 2 weeks before bonfire night? Just waiting for the final bang :).


Back to topic... erm.... ok:-

Whats 2" long and sits next to a hospital bed?

Jimmy Savilles cigar but.
 
I stole this joke but I find it funny......


More cases of child abuse have been discovered at the BBC.

Apparently Morph has been accused of being a Playdophile...
 
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that was my joke from last week. might have to start my own joke thread. LOL.
 
The Tax Man
At the end of the tax year, the Inland Revenue office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the agent was checking the books he turned to the Accountant of the Hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?" "Good question," noted the Accountant. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?" "Ah, yes," replied the Hospital Accountant, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster." "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Accountant. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?" "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Accountant. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Inland Revenue Office, and about once a year they send us a complete -----!"
 
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love it. pure class.
 
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel reception and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Madam, if your heart is as
soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
 
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One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
 

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A new jokes thread for your amusement.
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