A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great....that's just great....

Some a$$hole's got my pen!

 

[specs]

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway.."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark -- and I didn't land."

 

[specs]

"Gladys!" Bill yelled from his bed. "I'm real crook. Give the vet a call, will ya."

"The vet?" Gladys asked. "You mean a doctor, don't you?"

"Nah," Bill said. "I want a vet. I work like a horse, I live like a pig and I have to sleep with a stupid cow."

 

[specs]

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now completely nude, she purred at him,
"What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me..."

 

[dan86]

a bit of reading, but a good one specs. I may steal that...

 

[specs]

A man's life is like a lush, green meadow.

It's a beautiful thing until some cow comes along and shlts all over it.

 

[specs]

a bit of reading, but a good one specs. I may steal that...

Help yourself mate, just add a like and its all yours.

 

[specs]

Help yourself mate, just add a like and its all yours.

nice one Dan

 

[specs]

My Chinese neighbour told me he'd just opened a "Crows shop".

I said, "Don't you mean a clothes shop?"

He said, "A Crows shop!"

I said, "OK, I might pop down for a Rook."

 

[specs]

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying barstard! You've been playing golf!"

 

[dan86]

I gave you a like to say I liked it, and a thanks for letting me nick it ;-)

 

[specs]

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor. It lands butter-side-up.






He looks at what he has done in astonishment, for he knows it’s a law of nature that buttered toast always falls butter-down.






He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch the priest.






He tells the priest that he thinks a miracle has happened round at his flat. He won’t say what it is but wants Father Flannagan to see it with his own eyes.






He brings Father Flannagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.







“Well,” says the priest, “it’s pretty obvious what we have here. Someone dropped some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was on top.”




“No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that.”




“Well,” Father Flannagan says, “it’s certainly a natural law of the universe that dropped toast never falls butter side up. But it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle. I’ll report the matter to the bishop, and have him send people round, to interview you, take photos, etc.”




An investigation of some rigour is conducted, not only by priests of the archdiocese, but by scientists sent from the Curia in Rome. The final ruling is a negative, however. it reads:






"It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Murphy’s room, quite outside the normal run of the phenomena. Yet we have to be very cautious before ruling any happening miraculous, ruling out all possible natural explanations. In this case we have declared no miracle. For it possibly resulted from Murphy's having buttered the toast on the wrong side."







​

 

[specs]

It's tough getting old.....Here are some things I can no longer do!


https://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=A6XUVjK9W4o

 

[specs]

Novice female military controller to US bomber leaving radar coverage, forgetting the correct terminology... "You are entering my dark area"
USB: "WHOOPEE!"


Tower Controller: "BA356, proceed to stand 69"
BA: "Yes, Sir, Nose in or Nose out?"

=============================================

Technical problem reported by pilot or crew. Remedial action or answer reported by engineer

=============================================

Something loose in cockpit. Something tightened in cockpit.

Left-inside main tire almost needs replacing. Almost replaced left-inside main tire.

Unfamiliar noise coming from No2 engine. Engine run for three hours. Noise now familiar.

Mouse in cockpit. Cat installed.

Target radar hums. Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Number three engine missing. Engine found on starboard

wing

Pilot's clock inoperative. Wound clock.

Aircraft handles funny. Aircraft told to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

Whining sound heard on engine shutdown. Pilot removed from aircraft.

Noise under instrument panel - sounds like a
midget pounding on something with a hammer Took hammer away from midget.

Suspected crack in windshield. Suspect you are right.

IFF inoperative. IFF always inoperative in 'off' mode.

Test flight okay except Auto-Land very rough. Auto-Land is not installed on this aircraft.

No2 ADF needle runs wild. Caught and tamed No2 ADF needle.

Dead bugs on windshield. Live bugs on back order.

Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. Evidence removed.

Three roaches in cabin. One roach killed, one wounded, one got away​

 

[specs]

'letters to the council' (allegedly)

"I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off."

"I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage."

"Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence."

"I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind that blew them off."

"The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?"

"I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall."

"Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant."

"I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."

"I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers."

"The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children innit until it is cleared."

"Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink."

"I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much."

"The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous."

"Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so will you please send someone around to do something about it."

"I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night."

"Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the wife."

"I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction."

 

[specs]

insurance claims. "I was driving along when I saw two kangaroos copulating in the middle of the road causing me to ejaculate through the sun roof." (from an Australian claim form -)

The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.


"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."

"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."

"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull."

"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."

"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end."

"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. "

"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."

"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before."

"When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."

 

[specs]

Me after a days graft[url]https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/ItXKGyO6cRA?rel=0[/URL]

 

[dan86]

I'm surprised that the BBC are allowed anywhere near children in need.

 

[specs]

As I stood swaying from side to side at the British Airways ticket desk last night, the guy looked at me and said, "Can I help?"

"Yes," I slurred, unzipping my superman costume and pulling my wallet out, "One ticket to Amsterdam please."

"You're unable to fly, sir." he replied, "You're far too drunk."

I said, "I know mate, that's why I'm getting a plane."

 

[specs]

Silently I slipped the condom over my erect dlck and unrolled it down the
entire length of my throbbing shaft, never once losing eye contact with the
young woman as she stared at me in wide eyed, jaw dropping disbelief ...

Then breaking the silence I spoke ...

"Yes, that seems to fit alright, I'll take the whole packet please ...