A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant. 'Murphy, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'.

'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: 'So,Murphy, how was your day?'

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.

'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.'

'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor.

'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir' says Murphy.

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' Asks the doctor

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting' including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!''

'Tunderin' lard Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor.

'I put drops in her eyes!

 

[steve50]

A blonde calls her boyfriend andsays,
"Please come overhere and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure outhow to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks,"What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says,"According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to goover and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him whereshe has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the piecesfor a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says- "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going tobe able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling atiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want youto relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..." He sighed.........


"Let'sput all the Frosties back in the box......."

 

[specs]

Henny Youngman One Liners

1. My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

2. Now take my wife.. Please someone, take her.

3. I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

4. The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret

5. My grandmother is over eighty and she still doesnt need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

6. I'm now making a Jewish ****o film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.

7. I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife every finds out, she'll kill me!

8. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

9. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

10. Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it

 

[specs]

Weightlifting Commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing."

Murray Walker: "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical."

Greg Norman: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

Alan Minter: "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing but none of them serious."

Ron Atkinson: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it -- you can see it all over their faces."

Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."

Metro Radio: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics: "There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."

 

[specs]

John goes to his doctor and asks for a double dose of ------. The doctor says, "I cant give you a double dose."

"Why not?"

"Because it's not safe," replies the doctor.

"But I need it really bad,"

"Why?" asks the doctor.

"Because," says John, "My girlfriend is coming on Friday; my ex-wife on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose."

On hearing this, the doctor reluctantly agrees but says, "OK, but you must see me on Monday so I can check whether youve suffered any side effects."

On Monday, John drags himself in. His arm is in a sling. The doctor asks, "What happened?"

"No one showed up."

 

[specs]

Patrick, a lawyer, arrives home late one evening after a very tiring day trying to get a stay of execution for his client, James Wright, who is due to be hanged for murder at midnight. Patrick had made a last-minute plea for clemency to the governor, but his plea had been rejected. So when Patrick arrives home, hes depressed and very, very tired.

But as soon as he walks into his house, his wife starts on him. "And what time of night do you call this Patrick? You should have been home hours ago - where have you been all this time?" Her naggng is incessant.

Patrick is too tired to participate in this regular ritual and ignores her tirade. Instead, he pours himself a glass of best whiskey and goes upstairs to have a good long soak in a hot bath. 20 minutes later, while still in the bath, the phone rings. His wife answers and is told that her husband's client has, at the very last moment, been granted his stay of execution after all and goes upstairs to give him the good news. She opens the bathroom door and is immediately greeted by Patricks naked backside as he is bends over drying his feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she says.

Patrick straightens up, turns around and screams , "For crying out loud, woman, don't you ever stop your bitching?"

 

[Paul.M]

My wife told me the other day that we need to do more together so I signed us both up to a Swingers Club. Well it says couples only on the application form.

 

[specs]

[h=3][/h] An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were carpenters and were boasting about The high degree of accuracy they used in their work. 'I work to The nearest hundredth of an inch,' said The Englishman. 'I work to The nearest thousandth of an inch,' said The Scotsman. That wouldn't do me at all,' said The Irishman, 'I have to get it dead right.'

 

[specs]

[h=3][/h] The Englishman and The Scotsman were boasting about The size of their estates. 'I can get into my car at seven o'clock in The morning,' said The Englishman, 'and drive and drive all around my estate and not get back until four o'clock in The afternoon.' 'I can get into my car at six o'clock in The morning,' said The Scotsman, 'and drive and drive all around my estate and not get back until seven o'clock in The evening.' 'I had an old car like that too myself once,' said The Irishman.

 

[specs]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were applying for a job as a lumberjack so The foreman gave each of them an axe and told then to cut down trees for a day. The Englishman cut down a hundred trees while The Scotsman cut down two hundred, but The Irishman cut down five hundred trees so he got The job.
That's terrific,' said The foreman. Tell me, where did you learn to cut down trees like that?'
'In The Sahara Desert,' said The Irishman.
'But there aren't any trees in The Sahara Desert,' said The foreman.
'Not now there aren't,' said The Irishman.

 

[specs]

[h=3][/h] The Englishman, The Irishman and The Scotsman were in charge of a hospital for The disabled and one day they were showing a millionaire around The place in The hope of getting a large donation from him. The Englishman took him into a ward where there was a man with no arms. That's terrible,' said The millionaire, 'look here's a cheque for £50,000.' The Scotsman took him into a ward where there was a man with no arms or legs. That's terrible,' said The millionaire, 'look here's a cheque for £100,000.' The Irishman took him into a ward where there was a bed with just a single tooth lying on The pillow. 'Oh my God,' gasped The millionaire, 'is that all that's left of The poor fellow?' 'Worse still,' said The Irishman, 'he's having that tooth out tomorrow.'

 

[steve50]

A Scottish soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy. Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, then unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds, to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.

The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

"How much to repair it?' the Scot asks the chemist.

"Six pence" answers the chemist.

"How much for a new one?"

"Ten pence" says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemist's shop and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

"The regiment has taken a vote," he says, “we'll have a new one!"

 

[specs]

Langon is hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and he's excited. He's especially thrilled because he gets to take two long solos.

After the sessions, which go great, Langon can't wait to see the finished product. He asks the producer where and when he can catch the film. A little embarrassed, the producer explains that the music is for a pawno flick that will be out in a month, and he tells Langon where he can go to see it.

A month later, Langon puts his collar up, puts on dark glasses, and he goes to the theater where the picture is playing. He walks in and sits way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seems to be disguised and hiding.

The movie starts, and it's the filthiest, most perverted pawno flick ever. Group sex, S&M, golden showers... and then, halfway through, a dog gets in on the action. Before anyone can blink an eye, the dog has done all the women in ever orifice, and most of the men.

Langon is incredibly embarrassed, and he turns to the old couple and whispers, "I'm only here for the music."

The woman turns to Langon and whispers back, "I understand, we're here to see our dog."

 

[specs]

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

"Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

 

[specs]

An old man

 

[specs]

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'

"Yeah?" she replies. "Well, when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband ... Stiff At Last.'

 

[Earthstore]

Paddy and Murphy go for an interview for lorry driving jobs, Murphy goes in first, interviewer say's all you paperwork is in order, I just have one more test, I will give you a word and I want you to incorporate it in a sentence, the word I want you to use is "great".
Murphy replies; I have a Donkey jacket I think it's really "great"
Interviewer say's well done you have the job.

On his way out Murphy tells Paddy it is easy, he gives you a word and you put it in a sentence, so I said " I have a donkey jacket and I think it's really great.

So Paddy goes in, yep, paperwork all in order, just one more test, I give you a word and you have to incorporate it into a sentence.
Paddy replies "I have a donkey jacket and I think it's really great"
Interviewer Say's I have not given you the word yet..... and the word I want you to use is fascinate....

Oh say's Paddy... then replies " I have a donkey jacket and I think it's really great, it has nine shiny buttons but I can only fascinate....

 

[steve50]

How do farmers find sheep in long grass? Delightful!

 

[MDJ]

How do farmers find sheep in long grass? Delightful!

ask Des, I suspect he paints them so he can see them hiding from him LOL

 

[specs]

Airline announcements, some real examples that have been heard or reported: -


On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."


Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"