- Reaction score
- 1,556
As telectrix said
The captain was jewish so he sent 4 black officers to a deep south white property
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As telectrix said
The captain was jewish so he sent 4 black officers to a deep south white property
- Reaction score
- 165
Ahhh, that'll teach me to read the joke thoroughly!!
OP
specs
I got talking to a chap in the pub last night, he said 'my mate fell off his motorbike today, he's got a broken arm, 3 cracked ribs, three broken fingers and he's lost an eye'.
I said, 'Bloody hell, I'm not surprised he fell off!
I said, 'Bloody hell, I'm not surprised he fell off!
- Reaction score
- 1,279
My kids are just packing their schoolbags.................
- Reaction score
- 67,272
OP
specs
A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath.
He said, 'I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.' She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, 'It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones.'
She replied, 'You mean it shows that, too?'
He said, 'I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.' She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, 'It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones.'
She replied, 'You mean it shows that, too?'
OP
specs
They look like chain wrenches, wouldn't be so bad but they are made in Portugal with ---- steel. for gods sake can this country not even produce a good old offensive weapon. Or did you mean they were shoplifting !!!
- Reaction score
- 1,279
Just hate it when that happens.
- Reaction score
- 7,231
haha so you have a strap-on. Geordie must love that.....
OP
Earthstore
Lad gets a job in the local shop in a small town, as they sell almost everything in this shop the owner tells him that we always have to do a related sale to survive, look he say's I will show you with the next customer.
Customer; Good morning could I have a bag of grass seed?
Shop owner: Certainly sir, of course you will be needing a lawn mower for when it grows.
Customer; Oh yes, never thought of that, I will buy one of those too.
So the shop owner say's to the lad "see, the related sale", he came in for a small item and I sold him a lawnmower too, you try with the next customer.
The lad said I think I understand, I will give it a go.
Next customer; Could I have a box of Tampax for the wife please?
Lad; Certainly Sir, of course you will be needing a lawnmower.
Customer; Why will I need a lawnmower?
Lad; Well you won't be doing anything else this weekend will you!!!!
Customer; Good morning could I have a bag of grass seed?
Shop owner: Certainly sir, of course you will be needing a lawn mower for when it grows.
Customer; Oh yes, never thought of that, I will buy one of those too.
So the shop owner say's to the lad "see, the related sale", he came in for a small item and I sold him a lawnmower too, you try with the next customer.
The lad said I think I understand, I will give it a go.
Next customer; Could I have a box of Tampax for the wife please?
Lad; Certainly Sir, of course you will be needing a lawnmower.
Customer; Why will I need a lawnmower?
Lad; Well you won't be doing anything else this weekend will you!!!!
OP
specs
A blonde lady goes into an auto parts store and asks for a seven-ten cap.
All the clerks look at each other, and one says, "What's a seven-ten cap?"
She says, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost and some how and I need a new one."
"What kind of a car is it on?" the clerk asked.
"It's a Toyota."
"Okay lady, how big is it?"
She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter.
The clerk asks, "What does it do?"
"I don't know, but its always been there."
By now, the manager has come over. He hands the lady a note pad and asks her if she could draw a picture of it. The customer carefully draws a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter. In the center she writes "710."
The guys behind the counter, who are looking at the drawing upside down, can barely control their laughter as the boss walks to a shelf, grabs an OIL cap and puts in on the counter.
"That's it!" the lady says. "How much?"
"It's on the house," the manager replied. "Please come back often. You have no idea how entertaining it was waiting on you."
All the clerks look at each other, and one says, "What's a seven-ten cap?"
She says, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost and some how and I need a new one."
"What kind of a car is it on?" the clerk asked.
"It's a Toyota."
"Okay lady, how big is it?"
She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter.
The clerk asks, "What does it do?"
"I don't know, but its always been there."
By now, the manager has come over. He hands the lady a note pad and asks her if she could draw a picture of it. The customer carefully draws a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter. In the center she writes "710."
The guys behind the counter, who are looking at the drawing upside down, can barely control their laughter as the boss walks to a shelf, grabs an OIL cap and puts in on the counter.
"That's it!" the lady says. "How much?"
"It's on the house," the manager replied. "Please come back often. You have no idea how entertaining it was waiting on you."
OP
specs
In pharmacology, all drugs tend to have a generic name. For example, Tylenol is called acetamophen, Aleve is naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin and Advil is called ibuprofen.
A Canadian drug agency had been looking for some time for a generic name for ------ and after many months, they settled on the generic name mycoxafloppin.
NOTE: They had also given thought to these other generic names - mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix and ibepokin
A Canadian drug agency had been looking for some time for a generic name for ------ and after many months, they settled on the generic name mycoxafloppin.
NOTE: They had also given thought to these other generic names - mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix and ibepokin
OP
specs
Becky and Abe are Londoners on their first driving holiday in the USA. Everything is going well until driving through a remote part of Arizona, their car breaks down. Luckily, an Indian on horseback sees their predicament, rides up and offers to take one of them to a nearby town to get help.
Abe says, "Darling, I think it best that you go with him to this town while I stay here to protect our car and its contents. When you get there, find someone who can fix the car. Be careful and see you soon."
So Becky climbs up behind the Indian and off they ride.
They had been going for only a few minutes when the Indian suddenly lets out an ear piercing, "Y-e-e-e-e-e-H-a-a-a," and he repeats this scream every 5 minutes or so until they arrive in town. He rides over to the local garage, helps her down, and then rides off with one final screeching, "Y-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-H-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a."
"Wow," says the garage owner, "how did you get that Indian so excited?"
"I didnt do anything, honest," replies Becky, "All I did was sit behind him on his horse, my arms around his waist, holding the saddle horn to keep from falling. Thats all."
"Lady," laughing, the garage owner says, "Indians don't use saddles."
Abe says, "Darling, I think it best that you go with him to this town while I stay here to protect our car and its contents. When you get there, find someone who can fix the car. Be careful and see you soon."
So Becky climbs up behind the Indian and off they ride.
They had been going for only a few minutes when the Indian suddenly lets out an ear piercing, "Y-e-e-e-e-e-H-a-a-a," and he repeats this scream every 5 minutes or so until they arrive in town. He rides over to the local garage, helps her down, and then rides off with one final screeching, "Y-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-H-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a."
"Wow," says the garage owner, "how did you get that Indian so excited?"
"I didnt do anything, honest," replies Becky, "All I did was sit behind him on his horse, my arms around his waist, holding the saddle horn to keep from falling. Thats all."
"Lady," laughing, the garage owner says, "Indians don't use saddles."
OP
specs
News Flash from the English coastal area:
The Royal Navy intercepted three boatloads of people off the coast of Kent today. This placed the Navy in an awkward position, as the boats were not heading to, but away from Kent towards France. Another surprise finding was that they were loaded with British people who were all seniors of pension age. Their claim was that they were trying to get to Calais so as to be able to return to the UK as illegal immigrants and therefore be entitled to far more benefits than they were receiving as legitimate UK pensioners. The Navy, it is believed, gave them food, water and fuel and assisted them on their journey. We are booking the next boat out, Let me know if you want to come.
The Royal Navy intercepted three boatloads of people off the coast of Kent today. This placed the Navy in an awkward position, as the boats were not heading to, but away from Kent towards France. Another surprise finding was that they were loaded with British people who were all seniors of pension age. Their claim was that they were trying to get to Calais so as to be able to return to the UK as illegal immigrants and therefore be entitled to far more benefits than they were receiving as legitimate UK pensioners. The Navy, it is believed, gave them food, water and fuel and assisted them on their journey. We are booking the next boat out, Let me know if you want to come.
- Reaction score
- 2,323
I must be proper thick Specs but I don’t get it?
OP
specs
60 year old Becky goes into her local sex shop. As soon as she enters, everyone there notices how unstable she is on her feet. She wobbles the few feet across the shop to the counter, grabs it for support, and asks the assistant behind the counter, "Dddoo youuu selll ddiilldoss?"
The assistant, trying not to laugh, replies, "Yes, we have many different types of dildo in stock."
"Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee,ttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk?" asks Becky.
"Yes we do."
"Ddddoo yyoouu kknnooww hhowww tttooo tturrrnnn ittt offffff?"
The assistant, trying not to laugh, replies, "Yes, we have many different types of dildo in stock."
"Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee,ttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk?" asks Becky.
"Yes we do."
"Ddddoo yyoouu kknnooww hhowww tttooo tturrrnnn ittt offffff?"
OP
Silly Sausage
OP
specs
the blonde lady read OIL upside down ie 710 ( as near as dammit). but your right its a crap joke posted in a moment of drunkenness ( I laughed at the time).
OP
specs
Just before her 70th birthday, Kay decides to see Dr. Besser for a check up and two days later she is telling Dr. Besser why shes come. "I havent had a check-up for over 25years and I think it wise to have one now,"
"I agree," he says. "Get undressed, put on this gown and go sit down on the bed over there. Then Ill look you over."
As soon as shes done what he asked, Dr. Besser goes over, puts his hand under the gown, lifts her right breast and tells her, "Say 99."
"99,"
"Nothing wrong there," says Dr. Besser. He then lifts her left breast and again says to her, "Say 99."
"99,"
"This ones fine too," says Dr. Besser. "Now Ill like to check out your other vitals. Lie down on the bed and put your feet in the stirrups."
Kay does what the doctor asked. Dr. Besser puts on a rubber glove, rubs on some KY jelly and starts to check out her private parts for any problem signs. He once again says to her, "Say 99."
Kay replies, "One, two three, four .......
"I agree," he says. "Get undressed, put on this gown and go sit down on the bed over there. Then Ill look you over."
As soon as shes done what he asked, Dr. Besser goes over, puts his hand under the gown, lifts her right breast and tells her, "Say 99."
"99,"
"Nothing wrong there," says Dr. Besser. He then lifts her left breast and again says to her, "Say 99."
"99,"
"This ones fine too," says Dr. Besser. "Now Ill like to check out your other vitals. Lie down on the bed and put your feet in the stirrups."
Kay does what the doctor asked. Dr. Besser puts on a rubber glove, rubs on some KY jelly and starts to check out her private parts for any problem signs. He once again says to her, "Say 99."
Kay replies, "One, two three, four .......
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