OP
Guest111
lesbians eat what!
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A new jokes thread for your amusement.
Discuss A new jokes thread for your amusement. in the Electricians Chat - Off Topic Chat area at ElectriciansForums.net
OP
R G
A woman goes to the doctor and is having trouble taking the pill , Doctor asks whats the problem , woman sys it keeps falling out ..
OP
specs
I just cant get excited about a sporting event where a government have spent millions funding it yet people live in squalor and deprivation. Where drugs are rife and life expectation is very low.
But enough of the commonwealth games in Glasgow, the World Cup started today.
But enough of the commonwealth games in Glasgow, the World Cup started today.
OP
specs
Took the girlfriend round to meet the family today. Turns out my wife hates her.
OP
specs
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a word or two of thanks, she got in the car.
After resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. "What's in the bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. Got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for a moment, and then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, "Good trade."
After resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. "What's in the bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. Got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for a moment, and then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, "Good trade."
OP
specs
I became confused when I heard the word 'service' used with these agencies:
Banking 'Service'
Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Pay TV 'Service'
State & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
Bureaucratic 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.
Then I visited my uncle, he's a farmer, and he hired a bull to 'Service' his cows.
Suddenly WOW! It all became clear. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us!
Banking 'Service'
Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Pay TV 'Service'
State & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
Bureaucratic 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.
Then I visited my uncle, he's a farmer, and he hired a bull to 'Service' his cows.
Suddenly WOW! It all became clear. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us!
- Reaction score
- 2,323
European Union Directive No. 456179
In order to bring about further integration with the single European currency, the Euro, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase “Spending a Penny” is not to be used after 31 December 2014.
From this date onwards, the correct term will be “Euronating”.
In order to bring about further integration with the single European currency, the Euro, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase “Spending a Penny” is not to be used after 31 December 2014.
From this date onwards, the correct term will be “Euronating”.
OP
Slowhand
How many cockroaches does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows because they all run off when you turn the light on......
Nobody knows because they all run off when you turn the light on......
- Reaction score
- 997
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed
it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been
there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back
some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or
make you get out of the pond naked. '
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
Some old men can still think fast.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed
it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been
there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back
some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or
make you get out of the pond naked. '
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
Some old men can still think fast.
OP
Besoeker
A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia , the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food every day and I get a free trip to Australia .”
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience then got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia , the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food every day and I get a free trip to Australia .”
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience then got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."
OP
specs
The
Italian Virginity Test
Mario is planning to marry and asks his
family doctor how he could tell if
his Bride-to-be is still a Virgin.
His doctor says ... "Mario, all the Italian men I know
use three things for what we call
a
Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit ~~~
a small can of Red paint,
a small can of Blue paint, and a Shovel."
Mario asks ... "And what do I do with these things, doc?"
The doctor replies ... "Before you climb
into bed on your wedding night,
you paint one of your balls Red and the other ball Blue.
If she says ... 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen !',
...........you hit her with the Shovel.
Italian Virginity Test
Mario is planning to marry and asks his
family doctor how he could tell if
his Bride-to-be is still a Virgin.
His doctor says ... "Mario, all the Italian men I know
use three things for what we call
a
Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit ~~~
a small can of Red paint,
a small can of Blue paint, and a Shovel."
Mario asks ... "And what do I do with these things, doc?"
The doctor replies ... "Before you climb
into bed on your wedding night,
you paint one of your balls Red and the other ball Blue.
If she says ... 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen !',
...........you hit her with the Shovel.
OP
Badged01
Breaking News :- The England Team visited an Orphanage in Brazil today " Its Heartbreaking to see their sad little faces, filled with desperation and no hope" said Jose aged 6
OP
dazza1981
Whats 9 inches long and flaps around in front of a c@@t .......... Roy Hodgsons tie !!!!!
- Reaction score
- 67,285
Blondes Mailbox A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!" My stupid computer keeps saying, "You’ve got mail!"
- Reaction score
- 67,285
A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open. A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, "Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman's right breast is hanging out." As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out. When he gets face to face with her he says, "Ma'am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why, officer?" "Well, your breast is hanging out." She looks down and says "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus!"
source: Dumb Blonde Jokes - Stupid Blonde Jokes
source: Dumb Blonde Jokes - Stupid Blonde Jokes
OP
dan86
Hundreds of Pikeys were left disappointed last night at Glastonbury.
Metallica wasn't the kind of heavy metal they'd hoped it would be...
Metallica wasn't the kind of heavy metal they'd hoped it would be...
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