A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[Taylortwocities]

Hmm. Need to change the title of this thread.

Is the thread new?
Not any more, it isn’t!

Are the jokes new?
Definitely no!

But I’m not one to complain. Where’s that Merlot??

 

[Pete999]

Hmm. Need to change the title of this thread.

Is the thread new?
Not any more, it isn’t!

Are the jokes new?
Definitely no!

But I’m not one to complain. Where’s that Merlot??

NO not the Merlot!!

 

[Leesparkykent]

 

[123]

It seems that @Leesparkykent is on the happy pills tonight

 

[littlespark]

This is best I can come up with tonight...

Lord Nelson was known to be only 5 foot 8 inches tall...
His statue in London is 17 foot 4 inches

That’s Horatio of 3 to 1

 

[MFS Electrical]

View attachment 45413

An oldie but still a cracker

 

[Pete999]

View attachment 45418

She must have been hungry.

 

[littlespark]

I hear Rick Astley has a big collection of every Disney Pixar film on DVD.
He will loan them out on occasion, but only some of them.
You can get "Finding Dory".... He might give you "Monster's Inc"

But he's never gonna give you "Up"

 

[MDJ]

 

[telectrix]

I wandered lonely as a cloud
over hills and river banks
I trod upon a fat man's arse
and a woman's voice said "thanks"

 

[littlespark]

Scientists have tried to grow a human vocal chord in the laboratory.

The results speak for themselves

 

[Strima]

 

[norcal]

After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So, the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Kentucky) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.

The Kentuckian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me. ''Trust me,' said the doctor.

So, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count! "1" "2" "3" “4” "5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Parts of Georgia, Missouri, West Virginia, and all of Washington DC.

 

[Kamikaze]

I wonder if its too soon for this?

How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only two: One to promise a bright future and another one to screw it up.

 

[Kamikaze]

I wonder if its too soon for this?

How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only two: One to promise a bright future and another one to screw it up.

Well…March 29th came and went and we still don’t know whether the bulb will be replaced with a working bulb or a broken one. Some voters will feel betrayed if we fit a new bulb, so maybe we should replace it with a candle.
Anyways, back to the jokes. I met the bloke who invented the crossword today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

 

[littlespark]

Just came through on a Facebook post. Thought I’d share.

 

[littlespark]

Soon be the time of year for the London Marathon. Last year I managed 4 hours 13 minutes.


That’s when I got bored and turned the telly off.

 

[littlespark]

I thought this was a rubbish joke until I realised it had actually happened....

"Smash and grab at Tiffany's store in London..... Suspects were seen running just as fast as they can... Holding onto one anothers hands"

 

[ElectricSeamus]

I went to a wedding yesterday. A satellite dish was marrying a television aerial. The ceremony was terrible but the reception was amazing.

 

[telectrix]

what value of currency lies at the bottom of the ocean, wriggling?.......


six quid .......