A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[Earthstore]

A bloke goes for a job as a lion tamer, he asks the instructor what he has to do if the lion is coming towards him in the cage, the instructor says; you pick up the whip and crack it and the lion retreats, what happens if there isn't a whip the bloke asks, well then you pick up the chair and jab it at the lion and then it retreats says the instuctor, the bloke asks what if there isn't a chair? The instructor says; well then you bend down and pick up the ---- that is on the floor and throw it at the lion, the bloke asks; what happens if there isn't any ----, the instructor replies........................ Don't worry there will be...

 

[specs]

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. _*"You Just Can't Fix Stupid"*_

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

6. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

7. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.

8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

 

[telectrix]

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. _*"You Just Can't Fix Stupid"*_

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

6. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

7. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.

8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

not so much a joke as a statement of facts.:21:

 

[dan86]

I've just heard you need a visa to enter Jordan now.

Crikey, she's getting a bit fussy.

 

[Kamikaze]

Katie Price has been rogered more times than a policeman’s walkie talkie.

 

[dan86]

I was chatting to this bird in the pub last night when she told me she was into property development, so i quickly said" well I've got a semi if you'd like to help me develop it into a high rise".

 

[Earthstore]

Two blokes chatting in the pub, one says I really have had enough of my wife if I thought I could get away with it I would kill the cow, the other blokes says I have an old mate called Arti that has just been released from prison, he has been in there for years, proper crazy he is too, I will ask him to pop around and see you.
So, Arti meets the chap to arrange it all, he said she always goes shopping on Saturdays and always wears a long red coat, being out of touch Arti said he would do it for a £1..

Arti waits in the supermarket on the very next Saturday, in she comes wearing her red coat, Arti goes straight up to her and strangles her in the isle then goes to make his getaway but sees another lady in the same red coat, not sure now if he has killed the right woman thinks he better do this one as well just to be certain...

Just as he had finished the police arrive and arrest him, the headline in the paper the next day was.........

Arti chokes 2 for £1 in Tescos.

 

[Earthstore]

Some years back I was with a big bird and I said "do you mind if I turn the light off" she asked why are you shy? I replied, not at all but the bulb is burning my back...

Then she asked if I had taken precautions, too right I replied, I have tied my foot to the sink...

How do you get a fat bird into bed?
Piece of cake.....

 

[camerabloke]

Two blokes chatting in the pub, one says I really have had enough of my wife if I thought I could get away with it I would kill the cow, the other blokes says I have an old mate called Arti that has just been released from prison, he has been in there for years, proper crazy he is too, I will ask him to pop around and see you.
So, Arti meets the chap to arrange it all, he said she always goes shopping on Saturdays and always wears a long red coat, being out of touch Arti said he would do it for a £1..

Arti waits in the supermarket on the very next Saturday, in she comes wearing her red coat, Arti goes straight up to her and strangles her in the isle then goes to make his getaway but sees another lady in the same red coat, not sure now if he has killed the right woman thinks he better do this one as well just to be certain...

Just as he had finished the police arrive and arrest him, the headline in the paper the next day was.........

Arti chokes 2 for £1 in Tescos.

boom tish

 

[Earthstore]

Went to a fancy dress party new years eve dressed as a cooker, my mate turnd up also dressed as a cooker, I said I thought you were coming as a parrot? He replied I said I was coming as a cooker too......

 

[Earthstore]

A couple were going to try and smuggle a pet snake and a skunk into the country, unsure how to do Iit the bloke says "I have an idea, I will wear the snake as a belt and you can put the skunk down your knickers"
She asks but what about the smell?
Bloke replies, well if the Skunk dies it dies........

 

[nickblake]

how to you get two whales in a mini ............ one in the front and one in the back ......... how do you get a girraff in a mini ......... take one of the whales out

 

[dan86]

It's my muslim mates birthday today, so we've all chipped in and bought him a new bomber jacket.

 

[dan86]

Apparently a bird may have been responsible for causing the Norfolk helicopter crash.

They probably shouldn't have let her fly it.

 

[dan86]

The other day I was walking past a field when I noticed 100 chickens fighting a donkey

It was a close contest but no --- can take that many cocks

 

[tidyboiler]

The other day I was walking past a field when I noticed 100 chickens fighting a donkey

It was a close contest but no --- can take that many cocks

Oh where's Geordie when I need his comment!!!! :whatchutalkingabout
:38:

 

[tidyboiler]

Now I can sleep in peace.

 

[dan86]

"My dad is harder than your dad."

"Yeah? Who's told you that?"

"Your mum."

 

[dan86]

"How can I be racist when my father is Indian?" my mate asked.

"The same way you're a vegetarian and your mums a cow."

 

[moospark]

Apparently a bird may have been responsible for causing the Norfolk helicopter crash.

They probably shouldn't have let her fly it.

Bird shat on my windscreen the other day, last time I take her out.