- Reaction score
- 3,768
none, ill get the gardener
-
Please checkout the new poll we will be pushing hard, and want some good stories to come out of this
result are public - you can change your vote over time, which might genuinely be the case from time to time.
Discuss A new jokes thread for your amusement. in the Electricians Chat - Off Topic Chat area at ElectriciansForums.net
none, ill get the gardener
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really ****ed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scales.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
really ****ed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scales.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
- Reaction score
- 2,323
In the glory days of the British Empire, a new CO was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said,"You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man. He's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned. The new CO was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man and only about four feet tall, with a weepy eye and drool coming from the corner of his mouth.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst , joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and boxed in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of..."
The colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind all that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file.
Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to f### off."
Smithers was summoned. The new CO was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man and only about four feet tall, with a weepy eye and drool coming from the corner of his mouth.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst , joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and boxed in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of..."
The colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind all that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file.
Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to f### off."
Last edited by a moderator:
- Reaction score
- 997
Oo and oO..
| Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope. The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in Court Monday Morning." On Monday, The Judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend." ? "Well, Your Honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people,? That's wonderful. How did you do it." ? "I used a diagram, Your Honour. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do." ? "Well, Your Honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "Wow," ! says the judge. "156 people, ! How did you manage to do that." ? "Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. |
| "I drew two circles like This, o 0 Then I pointed to the Small Circle and said, ''This is your ------- before going to Prison." |
- Reaction score
- 509
- Reaction score
- 509
OP
dan86
Chelsea agree £32 million Costa deal.
For that they got a skinny Latte and a packet of two shortbread fingers.
For that they got a skinny Latte and a packet of two shortbread fingers.
OP
dan86
People are saying that Jeremy Clarkson is 'untouchable' at the BBC.
Of course he is.
He's the wrong sex and about 40 years too old.
Of course he is.
He's the wrong sex and about 40 years too old.
OP
dan86
I see Sony has invented a new cassette tape that can hold 47 million songs.
The first demonstration is scheduled for 2019, when it finishes rewinding.
The first demonstration is scheduled for 2019, when it finishes rewinding.
- Reaction score
- 3,768
you cant say im not thick skinned enough and to grow a pair.
look at this beauty ive just pulled off me foot
look at this beauty ive just pulled off me foot
OP
dan86
that's bloody gross!
- Reaction score
- 3,768
lol its the pic that makes it yellow, thats a blister that didnt pop
OP
specs
:sailor:
This thread is getting worse, maybe its time for my return. I will ponder on it.
OP
specs
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"
OP
specs
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double wide).
So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his cousin...er wife, didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.
The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is gonna help me."
So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion.
The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . " at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand....
(Also works in Mississippi, Arkansas, Tennessee and parts of Kentucky).
So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his cousin...er wife, didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.
The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is gonna help me."
So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion.
The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . " at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand....
(Also works in Mississippi, Arkansas, Tennessee and parts of Kentucky).
OP
specs
The Englishman's, Irishman's and Scotsman's wives go shopping one day to a big department store. While they are there a fire breaks out. Everyone in the store is killed, including the three women. Their husbands are summoned to the local police station where a policewoman breaks the news to them: "I'm afraid sirs, that we believe your wives were killed in the fire at the department store. However the fire was so intense we cannot identify the bodies. Only their handbags survived the blaze. Can you identify your wives' handbags from these three found in the store?"
The three men all look at the handbags and each one is able to identify one of the handbags as belonging to his wife. With all handbags accounted for the policewoman leaves the men to deal with their grief in peace. The three men sit in silence for a while, then the Englishman opens his wife's handbag and rummages through the contents, finally pulling out a half-empty packet of cigarettes and says "All these years married and I never knew the old girl smoked."
The Scotsman looks into his wife's handbag and pulls out a half-empty bottle of scotch. "Jings, I knew her all that time an ah didnae ken ma missus drank."
The Irishman empties his wife's handbag onto the floor, looks through the contents and picks up a half empty packet of condoms. "'Saints preserve us! All dese years an oi never knew me wife was a man."
The three men all look at the handbags and each one is able to identify one of the handbags as belonging to his wife. With all handbags accounted for the policewoman leaves the men to deal with their grief in peace. The three men sit in silence for a while, then the Englishman opens his wife's handbag and rummages through the contents, finally pulling out a half-empty packet of cigarettes and says "All these years married and I never knew the old girl smoked."
The Scotsman looks into his wife's handbag and pulls out a half-empty bottle of scotch. "Jings, I knew her all that time an ah didnae ken ma missus drank."
The Irishman empties his wife's handbag onto the floor, looks through the contents and picks up a half empty packet of condoms. "'Saints preserve us! All dese years an oi never knew me wife was a man."
OP
specs
IN MY OPINION A SPACE IS SO IMPORTANT TO ONE'S WELFARE AND LOTS OF OTHER THINGS
The Importance of a space!
A secretary got an expensive pen as a gift from her boss.
She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email.
The bosses wife read the email and filed for divorce.
The email says:
"Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night. It has extra ordinary smooth flow, and a firm stroke. Initially its tip had to be licked to bring it to working order. I loved its perfect size and grip. Felt like I was in heaven when using it. I've always desired it and you fulfilled my wish. Thanks a lot"
Moral: A "space" is an essential part in English
The Importance of a space!
A secretary got an expensive pen as a gift from her boss.
She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email.
The bosses wife read the email and filed for divorce.
The email says:
"Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night. It has extra ordinary smooth flow, and a firm stroke. Initially its tip had to be licked to bring it to working order. I loved its perfect size and grip. Felt like I was in heaven when using it. I've always desired it and you fulfilled my wish. Thanks a lot"
Moral: A "space" is an essential part in English
OP
specs
Subject:
Fw: Fwd: Women can now feel safe
What a brilliant idea this is. At least women can feel safe now.
With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded car parks, especially during evening hours,
Cardiff City Council has established a "Women Only" car park at the new
St David’s Shopping Centre.
Even the attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons.
Below is the first picture available of this world-first women-only car park in Wales ..
Description: cid:B29167B7911B4511AC9960EA9DDC606C@AcerPC
Fw: Fwd: Women can now feel safe
What a brilliant idea this is. At least women can feel safe now.
With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded car parks, especially during evening hours,
Cardiff City Council has established a "Women Only" car park at the new
St David’s Shopping Centre.
Even the attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons.
Below is the first picture available of this world-first women-only car park in Wales ..
Description: cid:B29167B7911B4511AC9960EA9DDC606C@AcerPC
OP
specs
HUSBAND'S MESSAGE (via cellphone text/SMS):
Honey, a car hit me whilst crossing the road outside the office.
Paula brought me to the hospital.
The Doctors have been taking tests and X-rays.
The blow to my head has been very strong but, fortunately, it seems that
it did not cause any permanent brain damage.
But I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg and
they may have to amputate my right foot.
WIFE'S RESPONSE:
Who the fvk is Paula?
Honey, a car hit me whilst crossing the road outside the office.
Paula brought me to the hospital.
The Doctors have been taking tests and X-rays.
The blow to my head has been very strong but, fortunately, it seems that
it did not cause any permanent brain damage.
But I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg and
they may have to amputate my right foot.
WIFE'S RESPONSE:
Who the fvk is Paula?
OP
specs
A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to
meet the chief.
The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so
give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die.
What is first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."
The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers
something, then slaps the horse on the back. The horse takes off.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off
the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy.
The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only
think of one thing."
The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and
whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the back.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off
and goes in the teepee with the cowboy.
The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to
die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."
The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man.
What you want?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The indians bring him his horse.
The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells,
"Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"
meet the chief.
The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so
give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die.
What is first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."
The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers
something, then slaps the horse on the back. The horse takes off.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off
the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy.
The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only
think of one thing."
The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and
whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the back.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off
and goes in the teepee with the cowboy.
The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to
die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."
The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man.
What you want?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The indians bring him his horse.
The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells,
"Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"
OP
specs
The novel "Fifty Shades Of Grey" has seduced women - and baffled blokes. Now a spoof, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men. The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts...
Fifty Sheds Of Grey
We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall...but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.
She stood before me, trembling in my shed. "I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me."
So I took her to McDonalds.
She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.
Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.
"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."
"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be punished."
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!"
"Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"
I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt.
"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
"Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."
"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."
She nodded.
"Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.
"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.
"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently
massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD
Fifty Sheds Of Grey
We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall...but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.
She stood before me, trembling in my shed. "I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me."
So I took her to McDonalds.
She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.
Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.
"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."
"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be punished."
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!"
"Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"
I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt.
"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
"Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."
"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."
She nodded.
"Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.
"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.
"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently
massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD
OP
specs
Imagine you have Alzheimer and suffer from diarrhea ... you're running but just can't remember where to.
- Reaction score
- 5,807
I play golf and my wife has access to this thread......
Dont give her any ideas please.... Already in the dog house today for scratching her car...... Only thing I'm going to get tonight is the "cold shoulder".
OP
jaypp
In relation to recent threads about injuries, who are the 'coolest' people in an Hospital?
The 'ultra-sound' guys!
And when they're not at work, it's the 'hip' replacement people!
The 'ultra-sound' guys!
And when they're not at work, it's the 'hip' replacement people!
OP
specs
Be even worse when she reads this one.
1
He said to me . ... . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
I said to him .... . . You wear pants don't you?
2
He said to me ... . ......... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said to him .. That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart
3
He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him ... ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
4
He said to me. ....... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him ... . They don't have time.
5
He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. .. I don't know; it has never happened.
6
He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.
7
He said to me...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said to him. . .. A widow.
8
He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him .. ... .. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed....Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
- Reaction score
- 5,807
Hello Specs, this is Mrs. M and my reply:-
Paul M has been on top of me many of times in bed whilst I inspect the ceiling, I have never moaned yet????
Paul M for one week of the month has the strongest wrists in the land????
Paul M in bed is not that bad but my sisters says he is great????
Paul M, how the hell has he became a Mod? I'm great-full, he spends more time with you lot these days than he does with me thank God!
Mrs. M :rofl:
Paul M has been on top of me many of times in bed whilst I inspect the ceiling, I have never moaned yet????
Paul M for one week of the month has the strongest wrists in the land????
Paul M in bed is not that bad but my sisters says he is great????
Paul M, how the hell has he became a Mod? I'm great-full, he spends more time with you lot these days than he does with me thank God!
Mrs. M :rofl:
- Reaction score
- 997
Police work can be dangerous, but sometimes amusing.
Recently a female police officer arrested 22 year old Patrick Lawrence, who was caught fornicating with a
pumpkin in the middle of the night.
The next day at the Horsham Court ( Victoria , Australia ), Lawrence was charged with lewd and
lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication.
Lawrence explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session,
and decided to stop. “Well, you know how a pumpkin can be soft and squidgy inside....there was no-one else
around... at least I thought there wasn’t”
Lawrence went on to say he picked out a ripe pumpkin, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his urgent need.
“I suppose I was really into it, you know?” he added.
In the process of carrying out this lewd act, Lawrence failed to notice
Senior Constable Brenda Taylor approaching in a police car.
“It was a most unusual situation, that’s for sure” said Senior Constable Taylor. “I spoke to the defendant
and asked him why he was having sexual relations with a pumpkin.
His face froze. He was clearly surprised to see me there, then looked me in the eye and said....
“****, is it midnight already”
Recently a female police officer arrested 22 year old Patrick Lawrence, who was caught fornicating with a
pumpkin in the middle of the night.
The next day at the Horsham Court ( Victoria , Australia ), Lawrence was charged with lewd and
lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication.
Lawrence explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session,
and decided to stop. “Well, you know how a pumpkin can be soft and squidgy inside....there was no-one else
around... at least I thought there wasn’t”
Lawrence went on to say he picked out a ripe pumpkin, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his urgent need.
“I suppose I was really into it, you know?” he added.
In the process of carrying out this lewd act, Lawrence failed to notice
Senior Constable Brenda Taylor approaching in a police car.
“It was a most unusual situation, that’s for sure” said Senior Constable Taylor. “I spoke to the defendant
and asked him why he was having sexual relations with a pumpkin.
His face froze. He was clearly surprised to see me there, then looked me in the eye and said....
“****, is it midnight already”
OP
specs
Dennis Penberthy, an elderly Cornish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions, stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees enough and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Penberthy.
"Well," said Penberthy, "there's the farm hand. I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week, along with a bottle of gin every week, and, occasionally, gets to sleep with my wife."
"That's who I want to talk to," said the inspector, the half-wit."
"That'll be me then," said Penberthy
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Penberthy.
"Well," said Penberthy, "there's the farm hand. I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week, along with a bottle of gin every week, and, occasionally, gets to sleep with my wife."
"That's who I want to talk to," said the inspector, the half-wit."
"That'll be me then," said Penberthy
OP
specs
An RAF Group Captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff ....
Whilst waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Group Captain decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure"
· A Wing Commander chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.
· A Squadron Leader said it was 50-50%.
· A Flight Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the Group Captain turned to the young Corporal who was in charge of making the coffee. What the Group Captain wondered was his opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young Corporal responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The Group Captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked "And, why exactly would that be the case?"
The young Corporal replied, "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
The room fell silent.
May God Bless the lower ranks.
Whilst waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Group Captain decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure"
· A Wing Commander chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.
· A Squadron Leader said it was 50-50%.
· A Flight Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the Group Captain turned to the young Corporal who was in charge of making the coffee. What the Group Captain wondered was his opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young Corporal responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The Group Captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked "And, why exactly would that be the case?"
The young Corporal replied, "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
The room fell silent.
May God Bless the lower ranks.
OP
specs
![10[2].jpg](https://electricians.s3.eu-west-1.amazonaws.com/data/attachments/16/16704-5c06b9dc1953304d2afdc924ee897e34.jpg "10[2].jpg")
been waiting for this
OP
specs
and you live where ???
OP
specs
damn lights
OP
specs
A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.
After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...
"Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"
The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.
After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...
"Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"
OP
jaypp
There was a knock at the door last night, answered it and there was a 6 foot cockroach stood there. Before I had a chance to say anything and for no apparent reason, it punched me in the face. I just found out that 'there is a nasty bug going about at the mo'!
OP
dan86
I was having sex with a bird last night when she said, "Do you think I'm tight?"
"Yes." I panted, "You're the tightest I've ever had."
"You really think so?" She gushed.
"Yes." I replied, "None of the other women I've been with wore Primark knickers."
"Yes." I panted, "You're the tightest I've ever had."
"You really think so?" She gushed.
"Yes." I replied, "None of the other women I've been with wore Primark knickers."
OP
trev
Rob sent me that one too
OP
dan86
Who the bloody hell is Rob? !
OP
trev
Well, I have a real life mate called Rob who is borderline insane. Then there's Specs (also known as )
OP
specs
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that old!"
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist, when I noticed his diploma hanging on the wall. It bore his full name and I suddenly remembered a tall, handsome dark-haired boy with the same name. He had been in my high school class some 40-odd years before and I wondered if he could be the same guy I had a secret crush on way back then?
When I got into the treatment room I quickly discarded any such thought.This balding gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was much too old to have been my secret crush. Or was he? After he examined my teeth, I asked if he had attended Morgan Park High. "Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang!" he said, gleaming with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
"In 1959. Why do you ask?" He answered.
"Well, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.
Then that ugly, old, wrinkled son of a bitch asked, "What did you teach?"
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist, when I noticed his diploma hanging on the wall. It bore his full name and I suddenly remembered a tall, handsome dark-haired boy with the same name. He had been in my high school class some 40-odd years before and I wondered if he could be the same guy I had a secret crush on way back then?
When I got into the treatment room I quickly discarded any such thought.This balding gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was much too old to have been my secret crush. Or was he? After he examined my teeth, I asked if he had attended Morgan Park High. "Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang!" he said, gleaming with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
"In 1959. Why do you ask?" He answered.
"Well, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.
Then that ugly, old, wrinkled son of a bitch asked, "What did you teach?"
OP
specs
I just phoned the police.
"What's your emergency?" they asked.
I said, "Two women are fighting over me."
"OK, that's not so bad, what's the problem?" said the police officer.
"The angry, fat one is winning." I said.
"What's your emergency?" they asked.
I said, "Two women are fighting over me."
"OK, that's not so bad, what's the problem?" said the police officer.
"The angry, fat one is winning." I said.
OP
specs
'Borderline insane'.
Last edited by a moderator:
OP
specs
A husband went to police station for filing a report for his missing wife:
Husband :-I lost my wife, she went shopping and has not returned.
Inspector :-What is her height ?
Husband:- I'm not too sure.
Inspector :-Slim or heavy?
Husband:- Not slim exactly.
Inspector :-Colour of eyes ?
Husband :-Never noticed.
Inspector :-Colour of hair ?
Husband :-Changes according to season.
Inspector :-What was she wearing?
Husband :-Jeans/suit/ I don’t remember exactly.
Inspector :-Was she in a car?
Husband :-yes.
Inspector :-tell me the number, name and colour of the car ?
Husband :-Black Audi A8 with super charged 3.0 litre V6 engine
generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tip tronic
automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED
headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions
and has a very thin scratch on the front left door. My new custom fit
golf clubs, Powacaddy electric trolley are in the boot ….
(and then the husband started crying...)
Inspector:-Don't worry sir,.. . We'll find your car
Husband :-I lost my wife, she went shopping and has not returned.
Inspector :-What is her height ?
Husband:- I'm not too sure.
Inspector :-Slim or heavy?
Husband:- Not slim exactly.
Inspector :-Colour of eyes ?
Husband :-Never noticed.
Inspector :-Colour of hair ?
Husband :-Changes according to season.
Inspector :-What was she wearing?
Husband :-Jeans/suit/ I don’t remember exactly.
Inspector :-Was she in a car?
Husband :-yes.
Inspector :-tell me the number, name and colour of the car ?
Husband :-Black Audi A8 with super charged 3.0 litre V6 engine
generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tip tronic
automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED
headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions
and has a very thin scratch on the front left door. My new custom fit
golf clubs, Powacaddy electric trolley are in the boot ….
(and then the husband started crying...)
Inspector:-Don't worry sir,.. . We'll find your car
OP
specs
After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow."
The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow."
The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
OP
specs
On average, British couples have sex two to three times a week, whereas Japanese couples have sex only one to three times a month.
This is upsetting news as I had no idea I was Japanese.
This is upsetting news as I had no idea I was Japanese.
OP
specs
Shouldn't have driven home from the pub last night. Especially as I walked there
Reply to A new jokes thread for your amusement. in the Electricians Chat - Off Topic Chat area at ElectriciansForums.net
OFFICIAL SPONSORS
These Official Forum Sponsors May Provide Discounts to Regular Forum Members - If you would like to sponsor us then CLICK HERE and post a thread with who you are, and we'll send you some stats etc
YOUR Unread Posts
-
Best certification softwarehttp://www.tysoft.co.uk/easycert.htm I have used this software for years and find it excellent...- Latest: SparkySy
-
Dodgy trade pictures for your amusement! - 1 Million Views!Looks a bit flip floppy to me.... are they cooking sole(s) on a griddle?- Latest: ipf
-
UK Is there a device or a way which will alarm us if a water pump has stopped working?From the description I'm assuming this is something like a Sanivite where the water flows into a...
- Latest: Simon47
This website was designed, optimised and is hosted by untold.media Operating under the name Untold Media since 2001.