A new jokes thread for your amusement.

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Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.

Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'

Operator: 'What is your location sir?'

Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street .'

Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'

Silence.... and after a minute.

Operator: 'Are you there sir?'

More silence and another minute later.

Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'

This goes on for another few minutes until....

Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'

Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn’t spell eucalyptus, so I just dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street.'

 

[specs]

After a busy day he settled down in his train from Waterloo for a nap as far as his destination at Winchester , when the chap sitting near him hauled out his mobile and started up:-

"Hi darling it's Peter, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the 6.30 not the 4.30 but I had a long meeting - no, not with that floozie from the typing pool, with the boss no darling you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc.

This was still going on at Wimbledon , when the young woman opposite, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice,

"Hey, Peter, turn that bloody phone off and come back to bed!!"

 

[specs]

A man checks into a hotel in Blackpool while on a business trip and was a bit lonely.


He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone boxes. He popped into a phone box near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.


She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs... Well, you get the picture!
He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.

When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call. 'Hello', the woman says. Gosh, she sounded sexy so he continues...

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?

She says, 'That sounds fantastic love, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.'

 

[specs]

If you read only one review this year this is it !!!! but read it before you send it or they will withdraw it

Amazon.co.uk: Andrew's review of Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml

 

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Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Athens airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days."

 

[specs]

David Cameron was visiting a Glasgow primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion about words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr Cameron if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So the prime minister asked the class if they could think of an example of a tragedy.

A little boy stood up and said, 'If my best friend is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'

'Incorrect,' said Cameron, 'That would merely be an accident.'

A little girl stood up and said 'If a school bus carrying thirty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.' 'I'm afraid not', said Cameron, 'That's what we would call a great loss'.

The room went silent. No other kid volunteered. Cameron searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, little Johnny raised his hand from the back of the class and said, 'If a plane carrying you and Mr Clegg and Mr Milliband was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Cameron, 'And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'

'Well,' said little Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a f**king Accident either.' Not sure if I already posted this one, apologies if I have

 

[specs]

If you read only one review this year this is it !!!! but read it before you send it or they will withdraw it

Amazon.co.uk: Andrew's review of Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml

Make sure you read some of the other reviews

 

[specs]

Superman was bored after all the crime fighting and wanted to go out and party

He called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club and pick up some girls

Batman said Robin was ill and he had to look after him

Disappointed Superman called Spider man to see if he fancied a beer

Spider man told him he had a date with Cat woman

Last resort, Superman flew over Wonder woman's apartment to see if she was free

As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder woman naked on the bed with her legs open. Superman thought to himself, "I'm faster than a bullet...I could be in there, have sex and be out again before she knew what was happening"

So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flew off happily

Meanwhile on the bed, Wonder woman said: "Did you hear something?"

"No" said the Invisible Man, but my --- hurts like hell!"

 

[specs]

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime
story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach
up to touch his wrinkled cheek.

She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you a little while ago."

Feeling their respective faces again, she observed,
"God's getting better at it, isn't he?"

 

[specs]

A man goes to the clinic with a genital problem.

Doctor. "Go behind the curtain and get undressed"

The man undresses and the doctor looks at his genital area.

Doctor. "You've got G A S H"

Man. "What does that mean?"

Doctor. "Gonorrhea, Aids, Syphilis and Herpes"

Man. "Is there anything you can do for me?

Doctor. "Yes, I'll have to hospitalise you, and feed you on sole and pancakes"

Man. "Why?"

Doctor. "It's the only thing that will fit under the door!"

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Towards the end of a round of golf, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden ? POOF!

In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life...better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life...As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!"

Then POOF! ...she was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where are you?"

Fred yells back "i'm over here in the ----- willows".
Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, FRED!" FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!

 

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An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Some old men can still think fast....!"

 

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There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines.

One day he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance
to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one
line. You walk on to the stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold
the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose
deeply and then say the line, 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long, before the play, he's practising
his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came.

The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage and, with great
passion, delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter, and the
director was steaming: "You bloody fool!," he cried, "You've ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened? Did I forget my line?"

"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

 

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A toothpaste factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty toothpaste boxes without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem. The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, and third-parties selected. Six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone in the project was pleased.

They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory.

With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well spent. He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with projections, however, the next three weeks were zero! The estimated rate should have been at least a dozen boxes a day. He had the engineers check the equipment, they verified the report as accurate.

Puzzled, the CEO travelled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed, and observed.

JUST AHEAD of the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about.

"Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang.."

 

[dan86]

I just got a text message from my girlfriend that reads, 'We need to talk.'

Awesome. I'll bet she's decided to accept my proposal of a threesome with her sister.

 

[tidyboiler]

A little girl asked her grandad to make frog noises. He was surprised and said "ribbit" a few times. He asked her why she wanted to hear them and she said..... "Nanny said, when grandad croaks she will take us to Disneyland!"

 

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A mother hears a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom, so she opens the door and finds her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What the hell are you doing?" the mom asks.

"I'm 35 and I still live at home with my parents. This is the closest I'll ever get to having a husband," replies the daughter.

Later that same week the father hears the humming noise and finds his daughter with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm 35 and I still live at home with my parents. This is the closest I'll ever get to having a husband," replies the daughter.

A few days later the mother hears the humming noise coming from the den, so she bursts into the room (quite annoyed) and is surprised to see her husband sitting on the couch, watching TV with the vibrator buzzing away next to him.

"What in God's name are you doing?" she asks.

"Watching the game with my son-in-law!"

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A man goes to his doctor and says, ''Doctor, Doctor, please help me! I've got a problem.'' The doctor examines the man and finds the man has a red ring around his penis. The doctor gives him an ointment to rub on the problem area.

''It's all cleared up!'' the man reports when he returns. ''But what was that medication you gave me?''

''Lipstick remover.''

 

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Doctor Dave slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go..."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:

"Dave, you're a vet..."

 

[dan86]

I bumped into my ex in town earlier, I said:

"How's your new bloke?"

"He's twice the man you are" she sneered, "what about your new woman?"

I said, "thankfully she's half the woman you are, you fat cow."

 

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Peter met Sharon in a nightclub. They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Peter to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close

After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Peter's manhood. Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more already?"

Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine."

 

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A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He says,"What are you doing?" She answers, "I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free!"

Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies... "I'm going to Vegas too. I want to see you live on $800 a year!"