A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter )

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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt

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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..

- Mark Twain

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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible

- George Burns

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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.

- Alex Levine

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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield

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Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan

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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .

- Joe Namath

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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope

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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..

- W. C. Fields

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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Parliament.

- Will Rogers

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Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..

- Phyllis Diller

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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal

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And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good, spit it out.

May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and may nothing but happiness come through your door​

​

 

[specs]

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror,

she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. 'Oh my God - Hurry!

Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'
'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got

a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'




So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the

window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly

discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon,

so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in

as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had

been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. Do you always

run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved along side. 'Do you always run carrying your

clothes with you under your arm?'
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get

dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you

always wear a condom when you run?'

'Nope..............just when it's raining.'

 

[specs]

Little Johnny again Teacher asks the kids in class:
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny: "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive
clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a
million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris , a jet
to travel through Europe , an Infinite Visa Card and screw her three
times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior
of the child decides not to give importance to what he said and then
continues the lesson.

"And you, Mary?"

" I wanna be Johnny's bitch!"

 

[specs]

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms."
She blurts, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colors", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course", says the man proudly.
"Why don't you wear Silver dear," the wife responds, "would be nice if you came second for a change!"

 

[specs]

DATING IN THE 60s. Remember those days ?

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1963, and James had a date with Annabella. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.



'Oh, come on in!' Annabella's mother said as she welcomed James.
'Have a seat in the sitting room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Tea?' 'Tea, please,' James said. Mum brought the tea.
'So, what are you and Annabella planning to do tonight?' she asked.
'Oh, probably go to the flicks and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the coffee bar, perhaps have a walk on the beach afterwards.'
'Annabella likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him.
'Really?' James gasped, surprised to say the least.
'Oh yes,' mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!' 'Is that so?' asked James, incredulously.' Oh yes,' she said.
'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!' 'Phew! Well, thanks for the tip!' James said as he began thinking about alternative plans for the evening.
A moment later, Annabella came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted James.'Have fun, kids!' mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Annabella burst into the house
and slammed the front door behind her.




'The Twist, Mum!' she yelled angrily to her mother in the kitchen.



​

'The bloody dance is called the ......Twist!
​

 

[specs]

One day the teacher asked the children in class to give examples of what was not good to put in one's mouth. Little Johnny says "It is not good to put a lit light bulb in one's mouth."

The teacher says "That is correct, but why?" Little Johnny answers "I don't know, but my Mom always tells my dad "turn off the light before you put it in my mouth!"

 

[specs]

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike.
"Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300," he asked.
"Easy, Dad," little Johnny replied. "I earned it hiking."
"Come on Johnny," the father said. "Tell me the truth."
"That is the truth!" Johnny replied.
"Every night you were gone, Mom's boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"

 

[specs]

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "Beautiful" in the same sentences twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought My mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.

Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just freakin beautiful!'

 

[specs]

Teacher: "Children, tomorrow I would like you to give me an example of a development that is currently being built near your home and what are the advantages of this new development. At the end of the class, the teacher asks that all the little girls remain behind for 5 minutes.

Teacher: "Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from your parents concerning Little Johnny's crude remarks. It is very likely that tomorrow he is going to say something dirty and that is why I am asking you all, to avoid any further problems - that if he says anything that appears rude, I would like you all to get up and leave the classroom."

Everybody agreed to this plan. Next day... Teacher: "Is everybody ready with their assignment? Go ahead Anita."

Anita: "Near my home, a supermarket is being built. Now my mommy doesn't have to walk so far to get bread and milk." Teacher: "Very good Anita! Yes - Suzie!"

Suzie: "Near my home, they are building a furniture factory. My daddy is a carpenter and this permits him to work near home."

Teacher: "Excellent, thank-you Suzie! At this point, little Johnny's hand shoots up and the Teacher asks: "Oh heavens, Johnny tell me what new development is being built near your home."

Little Johnny: "Near my home, they are building a brothel."

All the young ladies get up and proceed to leave. Little Johnny says, "Hey, relax girls... it hasn't opened yet!"

 

[specs]

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. Now class, Im going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit Im talking about. Ok, first its round, plumb and red. Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered An apple. No Deborah, its a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the second. Its soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish.

Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. Is it a peach? No, Billy, Im afraid its a potato. But I like your thinking. Heres another: its long, yellow, and fairly hard.

By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically the teacher skips him again and calls on Sally.. A banana, she says.. No, the teacher replies, its a squash, but I like your thinking.

Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. Hey, Ive got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Ok, Ive got it: its round, hard, and it got a head on it. Johnny! she cries. Thats disgusting! Nope, answers Johnny, its a quarter, but I like your thinking

 

[specs]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only The soldier replied, £5."

The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need."

Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped:






"They won't let me in without a f***ing tie!"

 

[bertt]

Hi,

nice song .. other and videoclip.
http://www.clipfish.de/musikvideos/video/3182597/lady-gaga-bad-romance/
or
http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=oAffdw9-wmg&feature=endscreen

 

[ian.settle1]

A blonde decides to dye her hair to brown

She goes out for a drive in the country and see's a farmer.

She says if I can get the exact number of sheep you have, can I have one?

The farmer replied OK.

She says 150

Farmer says thats right so you can have one.

As she is putting the her sheep in the boot of her car, the farmer says

If I can guess the correct colour of you hair.



















Can I have my dog back?

 

[telectrix]

2 rottweilers are in the vet's. one is a very happy dog, stump wagging, but the other one is miserable. so the happy dog says to the miserable dog, " why the long face?" " i'm being put down" he replies. "why, you look perfectly OK to me?".

" well" says the miserable dog. " you know it rained heavy last night. we came home: i was cold and wet, trying to dry out and warm up by the fire, and the kids came in and started mauling me, so i snapped at them: so therefore, i'm being put down. why are you here?". Ah" says the happy dog: " just like you, my mistress took me out in the rain, and i got soaked, but i love it. we got back in the house and my mistress's skirt was soaking wet where i had rubbed up to her and splashed her. so she took off her skirt and started to wash it in the kitchen sink. well, she's bent over the sink, sussies an stockings and i could not resist. i jumped up and gave her one". " is she having you put down for that?"



"No, mate, she's brought me to have my claws clipped".

 

[specs]

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her breasts.

Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'"

She did this faithfully for several months! To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup -----!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely ----- if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked, "Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?"

"Yes I am.. How did you know?"

He winked and replied, "Hickory dickory dock...."

 

[specs]

Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice every day.

Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes.

He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.

Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'
Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Luigi, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?'

Luigi answers,'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?'

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, 'Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?'

Rosa answers, 'Yes, Luigi, I do, but how do you know that?'
He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes... How do you like them?'

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luigi asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face turns red...

He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart. Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight. Please, please, tella me this true!'
Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Luigi, I wear no panties tonight...'

Luigi gasps, 'Thanka God. I thought I had a crack in my $300 Armani leather shoes!

 

[dan86]

you must have the never ending joke book specs!
that, or wayyy too much free time

 

[specs]

Its both:lol:

 

[specs]

A wedding occurred just outside Dublin in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the **** out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, 'Silence in court!'

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says,'Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.'

The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.

The judge says, 'OK.'

'Well,' said Paddy, 'after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.'

Shocked, the judge instantly responded, 'God, that must have hurt!'

'Hurt?' Paddy replies. 'He broke three of my fingers!

 

[specs]

Dear Connie,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride has cost me a lot of things.

I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.

She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. ---- like you wouldn't believe and an --- that just wouldn't quit.

Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives.

It's all so superficial.

What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'm never really thought of that before.

I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'm ----ed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss.

Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.

Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.

And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole ---- thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you. It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know. Otherwise, can you let me know where the f***ing remote is.

Love, Ford