T
trev
Ah right.
- Thread starter MarkieSparkie
- Start date
-
- Tags
- electricians' talk new thread
D
dan86
Went for an interview on a building site today.
The foreman said, "Can you make tea?"
I said, "Yes I can make tea."
He said, "Can you drive a forklift?"
I said, "How big's the bloody teapot?"
The foreman said, "Can you make tea?"
I said, "Yes I can make tea."
He said, "Can you drive a forklift?"
I said, "How big's the bloody teapot?"
H
hubsy
A man is at his lawyer's funeral and and is surprised by the turnout for this one man. He turns to the people around him. "Why are you all at this man's funeral?" A man turns towards him and says, "We're all clients." "And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching." "No, we came to make sure he was dead."
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. “All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards.”
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. “All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards.”
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
S
specs
One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."
The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
Probably a good thing," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."
The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
Probably a good thing," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."
S
specs
Annie, just 7 years old, had just had her first family planning lesson at school
She goes home and immediately her mother asks, "How did it go, sweetie?"
"I died of shame," Annie answers.
"Why?"
Annie replied, "Karen, from down the road, said that the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. Peter in my class said you can buy babies at the hospital."
Her mother laughs, "Well, that's no reason to be ashamed."
"No, but I can never tell them that we're so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!"
She goes home and immediately her mother asks, "How did it go, sweetie?"
"I died of shame," Annie answers.
"Why?"
Annie replied, "Karen, from down the road, said that the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. Peter in my class said you can buy babies at the hospital."
Her mother laughs, "Well, that's no reason to be ashamed."
"No, but I can never tell them that we're so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!"
S
specs
A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?"
The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
"Well," the farmer said, "Today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied.
"So what happened then?" the man asked.
The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."
"And then?" the man asked.
"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
The man laughed and said, "Again?"
The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So, what did you do then?" the man asked.
"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head.
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.
"So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.. Some things you just can't explain."
The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
"Well," the farmer said, "Today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied.
"So what happened then?" the man asked.
The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."
"And then?" the man asked.
"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
The man laughed and said, "Again?"
The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So, what did you do then?" the man asked.
"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head.
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.
"So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.. Some things you just can't explain."
E
Earthstore
I do like that one...
If her lips are like fire and she trembles in your arms...
Tell her to get lost, she probably has malaria!
Tell her to get lost, she probably has malaria!
D
dan86
"They were an American rock band formed in Las Vegas in 2001. Led by frontman Brandon Flowers, they achieved mainstream success through hit albums such as Hot Fuss and singles like Mr Brightside, Somebody Told Me and Human".
"I see", I said to the witness, jotting it down in my notepad and surveying the murder scene. "But that's not what I meant when I asked who the killers were".
"I see", I said to the witness, jotting it down in my notepad and surveying the murder scene. "But that's not what I meant when I asked who the killers were".
one if found a while ago
S
Silly Sausage
Cameron and clegg are on a plane,Cameron looked at Clegg chuckled and said"You know i could throw a £1,000 note out the window right now and make someone happy".Clegg shrugged his shoulders and replied"i could throw ten £100 notes out of the window and make ten people happy".Hearing their exchange the pilot said to the co-pilot "Such big shots! i could throw both of them out the window and make 40 million people ecstatic!"
- - - Updated - - -
Gina goes into hospital for a cosmetic surgery to give her a designer vagina. She's nervous, naturally, but looking forward to the operation. Prior to the operation she discusses her needs with her surgeon; she would like for her labia to be smaller because for some reason they 'hang low' enough so that they can hang either side of her gusset and this upsets her.
Upon waking up from the operation and coming to fully she sees three bunches of flowers with cards on the bedside.
The first card reads "I can't wait to get your home, your devoted and horny husband x"
The second " I am very pleased with the work I have done and I wish you all success with your new vagina" from her surgeon.
The Third "thanks for my new ears, from Billy in the burns unit"
- - - Updated - - -
Gina goes into hospital for a cosmetic surgery to give her a designer vagina. She's nervous, naturally, but looking forward to the operation. Prior to the operation she discusses her needs with her surgeon; she would like for her labia to be smaller because for some reason they 'hang low' enough so that they can hang either side of her gusset and this upsets her.
Upon waking up from the operation and coming to fully she sees three bunches of flowers with cards on the bedside.
The first card reads "I can't wait to get your home, your devoted and horny husband x"
The second " I am very pleased with the work I have done and I wish you all success with your new vagina" from her surgeon.
The Third "thanks for my new ears, from Billy in the burns unit"
D
dan86
Some chunky bird came up to me in the club last night and asked if I thought she was fat.
"Fat?" I said. "Love, you're like a rope."
"Really?" She replied, smiling. "You think I'm slim?"
"Oh christ no." I told her.
"But it's probably a lot easier to pull you than push you."
"Fat?" I said. "Love, you're like a rope."
"Really?" She replied, smiling. "You think I'm slim?"
"Oh christ no." I told her.
"But it's probably a lot easier to pull you than push you."
D
dan86
An E-mail confirming you've unsubscribed from an E-mail list is a lot like a stalker showing up to promise they'll leave you alone.
S
Silly Sausage
A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f*cking bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any f*cking bread, ask me again and I'll nail your f*cking beak to the bar you irritating b*stard of a f*cking bird!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f*cking bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any f*cking bread, ask me again and I'll nail your f*cking beak to the bar you irritating b*stard of a f*cking bird!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?
S
specs
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...."
The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You ----! How many is a brazilian?"
The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You ----! How many is a brazilian?"
S
specs
A man called home to his wife and said, " Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends
We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up"
" Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. "
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to Do?"
You'll love the answer...
The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box ..."
We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up"
" Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. "
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to Do?"
You'll love the answer...
The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box ..."
D
dan86
saw this today and made me lol! not quite sure why tbh.
also noticed that there was no space between 'know' and 'how'... :/
H
hubsy
Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking...
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied
survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark
and they swam to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip
of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Now we eat everybody."
And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why
didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim
around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you
scare the **** out of them first!"
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied
survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark
and they swam to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip
of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Now we eat everybody."
And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why
didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim
around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you
scare the **** out of them first!"
S
Silly Sausage
S
specs
A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Friday's, I fish
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Friday's, I fish
S
specs
A woman storms into a pet shop demanding her money back from the owner.
"You sold me this frog and told me it would be able to satisfy all my sexual desires!"
The clerk tries to calm her down and asks, "Did you do what I told you to do?"
"Yes, dammit! I got naked, lay back on my bed, and put him between my legs just like you said, and he did nothing!" she shouts.
The owner, looking confused, replies, "It's a perfectly trained frog. I can't understand what's wrong."
He takes the woman and the frog to a back room in the shop, where he places the frog on a small table next to a bed and asks the woman to please lie down and remove her panties.
Turning to the frog, he says, "Now watch carefully, because this is the last time I'm showing you!"
"You sold me this frog and told me it would be able to satisfy all my sexual desires!"
The clerk tries to calm her down and asks, "Did you do what I told you to do?"
"Yes, dammit! I got naked, lay back on my bed, and put him between my legs just like you said, and he did nothing!" she shouts.
The owner, looking confused, replies, "It's a perfectly trained frog. I can't understand what's wrong."
He takes the woman and the frog to a back room in the shop, where he places the frog on a small table next to a bed and asks the woman to please lie down and remove her panties.
Turning to the frog, he says, "Now watch carefully, because this is the last time I'm showing you!"
D
dan86
At the last supper, Jesus takes the bread, blesses it, and says,
"Take this, all of you, and eat it, for this is my body."
He then proceeds to bless the wine and says,
"Take this, all of you, and drink it, for this is my blood."
Finally, he picks up the milk, but Peter looks at him and says,
"You can **** off."
"Take this, all of you, and eat it, for this is my body."
He then proceeds to bless the wine and says,
"Take this, all of you, and drink it, for this is my blood."
Finally, he picks up the milk, but Peter looks at him and says,
"You can **** off."
D
dan86
Today marks the 50th anniversary of the great train robbery.
To celebrate I went into London Kings Cross and paid £4.50 for a cup of tea.
To celebrate I went into London Kings Cross and paid £4.50 for a cup of tea.
D
dan86
The two British girls arrested in Peru for smuggling cocaine are claiming they were told it was marmalade.
Police are looking for a short brown bear with a blue coat for questioning.
Police are looking for a short brown bear with a blue coat for questioning.
H
hubsy
A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the damn ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man," says his partner. "You'll never hit her from here."
S
specs
You have to hope that this study is flawed, but the evidence seems irrefutable.
Yesterday scientists for Health Canada suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a long hard look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a one hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating, couldn't perform sexually, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
Yesterday scientists for Health Canada suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a long hard look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a one hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating, couldn't perform sexually, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
K
Kate
Wrong post
S
specs
Two women were playing golf one Saturday.
The first teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed straight for a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
She said "Please allow me to help I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes" he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside.
She began to massage him.
She then asked him "How does that feel?"
To which he replied "It feels great but my thumb still hurts like hell
The first teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed straight for a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
She said "Please allow me to help I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes" he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside.
She began to massage him.
She then asked him "How does that feel?"
To which he replied "It feels great but my thumb still hurts like hell
S
specs
An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his manhood was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.
He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.
"You see that, woman?" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we ought to do with it?"
With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, might be a good time to wash it."
He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.
"You see that, woman?" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we ought to do with it?"
With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, might be a good time to wash it."
D
dan86
"You're the cutest, most gorgeous woman I've ever seen..."
"You just want to have sex with me."
"...and you're pretty clever too."
"You just want to have sex with me."
"...and you're pretty clever too."
D
dan86
I've just seen a ---- version of the Simpsons, in which Marge pleasures herself with a bottle of beer.
It's the first time I've ever seen the duff up a woman.
It's the first time I've ever seen the duff up a woman.
S
specs
man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to GOD.
"GOD", he said, "How long is a million years?"
"In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."
"GOD," The man asked, "How much is a million dollars?"
"To Me, it's a dime."
"GOD," The man then asked, "Can I have a dime?"
"Sure. In a minute."
"GOD", he said, "How long is a million years?"
"In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."
"GOD," The man asked, "How much is a million dollars?"
"To Me, it's a dime."
"GOD," The man then asked, "Can I have a dime?"
"Sure. In a minute."
B
bertt
some... compulsory tests when was originally designed the world ..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6t7jMuNVvyE
bertt.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6t7jMuNVvyE
bertt.
Last edited by a moderator:
D
dan86
I was gonna write that one!
Got it as a text last night.
OFFICIAL SPONSORS
These Official Forum Sponsors May Provide Discounts to Regular Forum Members - If you would like to sponsor us then CLICK HERE and post a thread with who you are, and we'll send you some stats etc
Advert
Thread Information
Thread Tags
- Tags
- electricians' talk new thread
Advert
Thread statistics
Advert
TrueNAS JBOD Storage Server
-
-
Understanding TrueNAS JBOD Servers: A Comprehensive Guide- Started by Dan
- Replies: 8
-
