A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table: £239.99. Hot Breakfast 4.20. Two Aspirins: £0.38.
Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

 

[specs]

My missus bought a paperback
In Asda*, Saturday. *(UK arm of Walmart)
I had a look inside the bag -
'Twas "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it, see,
And went off up to bed.
An hour later, she appeared
The sight filled me with dread.

In one hand she held a rope,
The other, held a whip.
She brandished them around a bit
And then began to strip.

Well, forty years, or so, ago
I might have had a peek.
But Doris hasn't weathered well -
She's sixty-eight next week.

Watching Doris bump and grind
Couldn't be much grimmer.
And things progressed from bad to worse -
She toppled off her Zimmer.

She struggled back up to her feet
A good half hour later,
Put her teeth back in and said
That I must dominate her.

Now if you knew our Doris, see,
You'd know just why I cringed.
I'd been two months in traction, 'cos
My hips and knees unhinged.

She stood there nude. All naked, like,
Bent forward quite a bit
I went to hold her sensual like, and
Stood on her left ---.

Doris screamed, her teeth shot out,
My word. What HAD I done ?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out
"Step on the OTHER one"

Well reader, I can tell no more
'bout what occurred that day.
Suffice to say, my dark brown hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.

Black and blue, battered too,
With wanton, wild perversion,
We decided that a night of sin
Was scarce worth such exertion.

Thank Heavens she has binned the book
And peace reigns, like before.
She's head to toe in flannellette
And back to back, we snore.

Anon

 

[specs]

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing,"! he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

 

[Earthstore]

specs. I had tears streaming down my face reading the chilli story.
You have brightened up the end to a long hard day. Thanks.

 

[MarkieSparkie]

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewellery my dear, a pearl necklace usually.”

 

[MarkieSparkie]

I Don't Think So

Kate was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner.
Her husband Paul was in the living room drinking a beer and watching the game.
"Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broke and if you don't fix it the food will go bad." Kate said.
Paul yells back, "Who do I look like, an appliance repair man? I don't think so."
A little while later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the hall light, its out."
"Who do I look like, an electrician? I don't think so." Paul says.
A few minutes later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the porch step before someone gets hurt on it."
Paul quickly replies, "Who do I look like, a builder? I don't think so."
Frustrated, he gets up and leaves. He decides to go to a bar down the road.
After the game was over, he began to feel slightly guilty for the way he treated his wife so he went on home.
He comes up the porch and realizes that the step is fixed.
He walked into the house and noticed that the hall light was fixed.
He walked into the kitchen to get a cold beer and noticed that the fridge was fixed.
Paul sees his wife and says, "Babe, how did you fix all this."
She looked at him and said, "Well after you left I began to cry on the porch.
A fine young man walked past and noticed I was crying and he asked me what he could do to help. He fixed everything. I asked him what I could do for payment. He said I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him."
Paul says, "Well, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
Kate looks at him and replies, "Who do I look like, Delia Smith? I don't think so!"

 

[MarkieSparkie]

25 Year Anniversary

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*** your brains out, and suck your ---- dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

 

[MarkieSparkie]

Escort Service
Two old men go to an escort service. The madam asks them what they want. They say women. She asks, "How old are you?" They say their both 90.
So she tells one of the girls to take them upstairs and put each of them in a room with a blow up doll. So they go upstairs and do their thing.
When they come back downstairs the first old man asks the other "How was it?" The other one says "I think she was dead, she just laid there, how was yours?" "I think mine was a witch." "A witch?" "Yeah, I bit her on the ---, she farted and flew out the window.

 

[specs]

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of
the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached
by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the
Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down
this street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the
new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to
church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get
to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, bull****...
You don't even know the way to the Post Office!"

 

[specs]

Talking to a guy in an Irish pub. Says to me, "D'ya see that bridge over there? I built that bridge with these two hands... But do they call me Chauncy the bridgemaker? No.... Do ya see that house across the road? Built that house with me own two hands. Do they call me Chauncy the carpenter? ...No Do you see that beautiful cobblestone road out there? Laid every stone by meself, almost broke me back, I did... Do they call me Chauncy the cobbler? No.... But I tell ya... You f*** one sheep...."

 

[specs]

For a couple of months now, I've been getting to know a very friendly young lady who insists on calling me every evening for a chat.

Earlier today, I plucked up the courage to ask her if I could masturbate to the sound of her sexy voice.

I think that's the last I've heard of Anglian Windows

 

[specs]

A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London.
He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because, as decreed by his religious teaching,
he must not listen to music because, in the time of the prophet, there was no music,
especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.

The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?"

The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet, there were no taxis,
so **** off and wait for a camel!"

 

[specs]

Paddy weighs 20st so his doctor puts him on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day and repeat this for two weeks. You should lose 5lbs". When Paddy returns, he shocks the doctor by having lost 4st. "That's amazing" the doctor says... Paddy nodded, "I'll tell ya be Jazus, I taut I was gonna drop dead by da 3rd day". "What, from hunger?" asks the doctor. "No, from all da f******' skippin" says Paddy

 

[specs]

I texted my ex- wife a picture of my flaccid penis.

I wanted to let her know I was thinking about her

 

[specs]

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy birthday!", and possibly have a present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy birthday". I thought... well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids ate breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said, "Good morning boss, happy birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me". I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"


We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.


On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment".

After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back". "OK", I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and coworkers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...




On the couch...





Naked...





(this isn't about me.....)

 

[specs]

Father O'Connor keeps chickens in a coup behind the church. One Sunday he goes to feed them and finds the cock's gone missing. He knows there's been cock fighting in the village so at mass he questions the congregation. "Has anybody got a cock"? All the men stand up. "No, No. I meant, has anybody seen a cock"? All the women stand up. "No, No. That's not what I meant either. Has anybody seen my cock"? 16 alter boys, two priests and a goat stood up...

 

[specs]

The zookeeper says to Paddy "The Gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with her... would you consider shagging her for £500"? Paddy replies "I will, on three conditions. Firstly, I don't have to kiss her. Secondly, my family will never get to know, and Thirdly, give me a couple of weeks to get the cash together".

 

[specs]

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear,! in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day! you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you

 

[noobienoclue]

Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls? A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice

 

[noobienoclue]

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh..'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'