A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Matthew, a 5-yr old boy to hold a flashlight high over his mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Matthew did as he was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and in a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.

Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Matthew for his help and asked the wide-eyed 5-yr old what he thought about what he had just witnessed.

Matthew quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.........spank his --- again!"

 

[specs]

These are actual advertisements from the Lonely Heart column of ' Ireland 's Own', a monthly magazine which prides itself on being very quirky! Well its readers are certainly quirky and/or possessed of a good sense of humour!

§ Grossly overweight County Louth turf-cutter, 42 years old, Gemini, seeks nimble sex-pot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel.

§ Following a sad recent loss, teetotal Tipperary man, 53, seeks replacement mammy. Must like biscuits and answer to the name Minnie. Thurles area.

§ Galway man, 50 , in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered.

§ Bitter, disillusioned Kerry man lately rejected by longtime fiancée seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.

§ Ginger-haired Galwegian troublemaker , gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.

§ Artistic Clare woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach, poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes, seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey. Strong stomach essential.

§ Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions. References required. No timewasters.

§ Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old ******* living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon seeks attractive 21-year-old blonde lady with chest.

§ Devil-worshiper, Offaly area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering cats in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.

§ Attractive brunette, Macroom area, winner of Miss Wrangler competition, who's not afraid to cry, for long nights spent comfort drinking and listening to old Abba records. Please, Please!

§ Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 pm and 11.30 pm

 

[specs]

A woman and her boyfriend have just left a wild party and are speeding down a country lane in a sports car.
The woman wants some fun and strips off her dress so she can flash at passers-by. Unfortunately, the man gets distracted and crashes the car.
The naked woman is thrown clear but her boyfriend is trapped in the wreckage.
The only cover the woman can find is one of her boyfriend's shoes, so she holds it over her crotch and runs to a nearby garage.
She sees a mechanic and shouts, 'Help! Help! My boyfriend's stuck!'
The mechanic looks at the shoe and says, 'You need a doctor, lady, he's too far in.

 

[dan86]

It's proving very difficult to find a shop selling "Left Guard" for my other armpit...

 

[dan86]

"WHAT JOB DESCRIPTIONS REALLY MEAN....

1. "Competitive Salary": We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.

2. "Join our fast-paced company": We have no time to train you.

3. "Casual work atmosphere": We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

4. "Some overtime required": Some every night and some every weekend.

5. "Duties will vary": Anyone in the office can boss you around.

6. "Must have an eye for detail": We have no quality assurance.

7. "Career-minded": Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

8. "Apply in person": If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told that the position has been filled.

9. "Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience": You'll need it to replace the three people who just quit.

10. "Problem-solving skills a must": You're walking into perpetual chaos.

11. "Requires team leadership skills": You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

12. "Good communication skills": Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

 

[dan86]

If I make you breakfast in bed a simple 'thank you' would be nice...

None of this 'how did I get into your house' business..

 

[specs]

(you can easily sibstitute Irish, Jewish, Moslem, etc mother herte.. they all fit)

An Italian in Brooklyn comes out of the closet to his mother. He was really worried she would get angry with him, because she is quite an old school, off the boat type of Italian.

So, immediately after he told his mother that he is gay - she started asking questions.

"You are with-a man, yes?" asked the Italian mother.

"Yes, and I love him," answered the son.

"And-a, you kiss this man, yes?" the Italian mother continued.

"Yes mama," replied the son.

"And-a, you have sex with this man, yes?" further inquired the Italian mother.

",... yes,..." the son was starting to get nervous.

"By putting-a his thing in you butt, yes?" the Italian mother was getting quite angry.

",... well,... yes mama,..." the son's nervousness increased.

"And-a, then, after he putting-a his thing in you butt, he putting-a his thing in you mouth, yes??"

"Mama,... yes,..." the son has turned bright red. And just then, the Italian mother smacks her son right across the face as hard as she could.

"Well-a, dontchu dare-a EVER complain-a about my cooking-a, again!!" and storms off.

 

[specs]

A couple on their honeymoon were lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When finished, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" says the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and get some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"What are you doing?" she says.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time. When they finish he's beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"

 

[specs]

A man came home from work one day and told his wife how good his fireman job was because they used a bell system. He explained when bell 1 rang they slid down the firemans pole, bell 2 they grab their jackets and bell 3 they were on the truck ready to go.

He then told her he wanted to use the same system at home...so when bell 1 rang she was to go straight to the room, when bell 2 rang she was to strip naked and when bell 3 rang she was to be lying on the bed with her legs in the air ready to go. When he came home the next day he rang the first bell and his wife went straight to the bedroom and then he rang the second so his wife stripped naked and then he rang the last bell and she was instantly lying on the bed with her legs in the air.

After a few minutes his wife screams out bell 4, bell 4. A confused husband asks whats bell 4?

The wife replies, "you need more hose, more hose, youre nowhere near the fire!

 

[specs]

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk. She said, "You use to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you use to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going ?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"came the reply

 

[specs]

A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi at a Papatoetoe Cab Rank.

The Indian driver opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the Cab.

"What's wrong with you Luv, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from..."

"Well, if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?"

"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking and thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with?!"

 

[specs]

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME & MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said...

Rang the doorbell didn't I?

 

[specs]

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,
''Where are your testicles?''
The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam '

 

[specs]

A woman's husband dies. He has only $20,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left.

The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he still had $20,000 left a few days before he died. How could you be broke?"

The widow says, "Well, the funeral home cost me $6,000. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the temple, so that was another $2,000. The rest went for the memorial stone.

The friend says, "$12,000 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?"

Extending her left hand, the widow says, "Three carats."

 

[specs]

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day.

The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."

The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said,

"My hands are freezing cold."

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did, and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

He said, "My nose is cold."

The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up."

He did, and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Mama, Have you ever heard of
a penis?"

Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"

The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!"

 

[specs]

Love means never having to say, "Does that twenty include the spanking?"

To truly love another, you must first love yourself. And it wouldn't kill you to wash your hands in between either.

They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient. But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.

We cannot see the future. We cannot change the past. We can only live in the now with an eye towards gaining enough power in the future to wreck revenge on everyone who ever screwed us in the past.

If Life hands you lemons today, smile and give thanks. Then when Life isn't looking, give him a quick knee to the groin. That'll learn him.

Dreaming frees the soul, energizes the spirit and allows you to do things that would get your --- thrown in jail if you really tried them.

 

[specs]

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house.

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served, and when little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Johnny, wait until we pray," his mother reminded him.

"I don't have to," the little boy replied.

"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we always pray before eating at our house."

"That's at our house," Johnny explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!"

 

[specs]

A Kiwi woman who had been unemployed for several months finally got a job with Public Works. This was a little old town, so her job was to paint lines down the center of a rural road using a paint brush. The Supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set minimum of 2 miles per day of lines. The Kiwi agrees and starts right away. The Supervisor checked at the end of day one and found that the Kiwi had completed 4 miles, double the required average.

The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the Kiwi only accomplished 2 miles.

The Supervisor thought, "Well, she's at the average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet."

The third day, the Kiwi only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this gets worse."

The boss called the Kiwi in and said, "The first day you did 4 miles, the second day 2 miles and yesterday only 1 mile.

Why? Is there an injury? A problem? Equipment failure?

What's keeping you from meeting the minimum 2 miles per day?"

The Kiwi replied, "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the paint bucket!

 

[specs]

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their
new wives duties to perform.

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his
new wife to do the dishes and all the cleaning in the house. He said it
took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house
and all the dishes were washed and put away.

James had married a woman from Australia and he bragged that he had
given his new wife orders to do all the cleaning, the dishes and the
cooking. He told them the first day he didn't see any results, but the
next day it was better and by the third day his house was clean, the
dishes done and there was a huge meal on the table.

The third man said the he had married a girl from Liverpool. He boasted
that the duties he had ordered her to do were to keep the house cleaned,
the dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table
every day. He said the first day he didn't see
anything, the second day he still didn't see anything, but by the third day
most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little bit
out of his left eye. Enough to make himself a bite to eat, load the
dishwasher and call a gardener.

 

[specs]

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said 'Son we'd give you one but the mortgage on this house is $580,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked 'Son where are you going?'

Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $580,000 mortgage and no f***ing bike!