A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

A rancher dies and leaves everything to his wife

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly..

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

 

[Silly Sausage]

https://twitter.com/50ShedsofGrey

 

[moospark]

Dear Specs, Do you appreciate how much of a row is going to kick off between the gay and cross dressing communities on this forum?

 

[ian.settle1]

Dear Specs, Do you appreciate how much of a row is going to kick off between the gay and cross dressing communities on this forum?

And which of the fence are you?

 

[moospark]

And which of the fence are you?

Whey, I'll help anyone on a bank holiday!

 

[moospark]

Always the fairer sex for me, but I did work T.V./shows in Amsterdam/London for a while, met some lovley people,,,,,who were strange.

 

[Spoon]

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face

as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward,

then backwards again...... Back and forth...
Back and forth..... In and out.......

She could feel the sweat on her forehead,

between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back.

She was getting near to the end.

Her heart was pounding..... Her face was flushed.....

Then she moaned, softly at first, and then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,



"Okay, Okay!!! I can’t park the car!!! You do it, you smug b**tard!!!"

 

[tidyboiler]

Sounds about right!

 

[Silly Sausage]

I wanted to attend a couple's support group for people who can't satisfy their partners but I couldn't get my wife to come.

 

[trev]

There's a meeting of the premature ejaculation society next Tuesday, all are welcome. There's no dress code, just come in your pants.

 

[Silly Sausage]

First rule of Thesaurus Club is you don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club.

 

[tidyboiler]

Well.......................it's true!

 

[telectrix]

nah, women are bad at parking because all they can use a mirror for is their make-up.

 

[tidyboiler]

Nurse................ the screens!

 

[Kamikaze]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

 

[Silly Sausage]

I was just about to have ---- sex with this girl I've been with for the last 2 days anyway she's been umming and arring about it...So I said ...
"Right if you don't like it and you want me to stop... We can Just use the safe word"
So she said
" ok, what's the safe word?"
So I told her ...














"Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll-llantysiliogogogoch "

 

[tidyboiler]

Perfect!!!

 

[Geordie Spark]

View attachment 20546

Perfect!!!

Yes pet.

 

[ian.settle1]

View attachment 20546

Perfect!!!

Poor Geordie

 

[tidyboiler]

Yes pet.

Don't worry darling...................... soon be your birthday!!! :rofl:

 

[Geordie Spark]

Don't worry darling...................... soon be your birthday!!! :rofl:

Champion !

 

[telectrix]

ye'll need to have yer annual bath , geordie.

 

[Geordie Spark]

ye'll need to have yer annual bath , geordie.

Aye ...... whether I need one or not.

 

[Earthstore]

Bloke walks into a garage and say's "whatever car key you stick up my arse I will be able to tell you what car it is from", so the mechanic tells him to bend over and sticks a key up there, the bloke say's "er, um Ford Focus" and he is correct, so they try another, er, um.... Volkswagon Golf, and again he is correct.

So the mechanic thinks I will catch him out here and sticks a spark plug up there and the bloke says, Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Ohhhhhhh............ Champion.

 

[dan86]

I don't mean to brag, but my credit card balance has been called outstanding

 

[dan86]

Where's specs gone. See he hasn't posted in over three weeks!

 

[dan86]

I went home with a girl who's an amateur magician.

When she took off her bra, her ---- disappeared.

 

[Geordie Spark]

Where's specs gone. See he hasn't posted in over three weeks!

He got a better offer from the other channel so he's broadcasting over there just now for two pints and all the pork scratchings he can eat per night.

 

[onions1066]

What do gay horses eat ??






haaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyy

 

[Toonlad]

What do gay horses eat ??






haaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyy

He got a better offer from the other channel so he's broadcasting over there just now for two pints and all the pork scratchings he can eat per night.

Ok Onions that was terrible!! Stop that its silly.

Geordie I think we need to match his offer and up it by a canny bag of Tudor. Get him back or we will get more sub standard jokes.

 

[Geordie Spark]

Ok Onions that was terrible!! Stop that its silly.

Geordie I think we need to match his offer and up it by a canny bag of Tudor. Get him back or we will get more sub standard jokes.

Oh aye .. at leat that.

Mebbe an extra bottle o' Dog an'al??

 

[Earthstore]

Bloke walks into a bar with a Monkey, bloke orders a pint and a half of larger, gives the monkey the half then punches him on the nose, the monkey drops on the floor and gives him a B-job, the barman says hey that's great can I have a go, bloke says you will have to buy him a half, so he does then punches him on the nose, the monkey runs around behind the bar and gives him a B-job too.

There was this poof sat over in the corner and the bloke say's would you like a go too, the poof say's oh yes........ but for Christ's sake don't hit me so hard...

 

[Dipzy]

I took my Dad to a shopping Mall the other day to buy a new pair of shoes (he's 66).

We decided to grab a bite to eat at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him....

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red, orange & blue. Dad kept staring at her.

The girl kept looking & everytime would catch Dad staring at her.

Finally when she had had enough, she sarcastically asked Dad:

"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so I would not choke on his response, I knew it would be good!

In classic style he replied without batting an eyelid....

"Got stoned once and f****d a parrot, just wondering if you were my daughter?"

 

[specs]

Where's specs gone. See he hasn't posted in over three weeks!

miss me:wink_smile:

 

[specs]

I hate it when women turn the light off before having sex.
It makes it awfully difficult for me to see them through the window.

 

[dan86]

miss me:wink_smile:

You know it

 

[telectrix]

miss me:wink_smile:

i thought you'd retired, like most of your jokes. :75:

 

[specs]

The Black Bra (as told by a married woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes....

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend : The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.. I love you..' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress : Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes.. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story : When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,

'What's for dinner, Batman?

 

[specs]

i thought you'd retired, like most of your jokes. :75:

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday


Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch.


Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.


Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.


Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.


Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.


Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.


Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses
to retire?
Answer: NUTS!


Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or
garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will
want to store stuff there.


Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.


Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.


Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a
retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.


Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses
the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.


And, my very favorite....
QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

 

[specs]

i thought you'd retired, like most of your jokes. :75:

For a couple years I 've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes