A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[Silly Sausage]

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh..'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

'Yes' she says.
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'I suppose you've got an appointment with your proctologist later as well?!'

 

[ian.settle1]

'Yes' she says.
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'I suppose you've got an appointment with your proctologist later as well?!'

Yes she replied
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
How is your friend Mrs Palm and her five lovely daughters doing?

 

[specs]

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.
Nothing.

Just had my water bill of 175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just 2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.

ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!!

Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth

An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan ! He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats! Its doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!!

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, bugger the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.

 

[Silly Sausage]

Yes she replied
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
How is your friend Mrs Palm and her five lovely daughters doing?

'Not very well', they reply, 'We hurt ourselves tightening nuts earlier today'.
A few minutes later, he rolls out of bed and wanders down to the garden, trowel in hand.
'Good evening lawn, do you mind if I dig a small hole and line it with moss?'

 

[dan86]

Driving home from the pub earlier, we were pulled over by a Police Car.

"Everything alright officer?" I asked.

"Not really sir," he replied, "Your car was weaving across the road in a very uncontrolled manner."

"What do you expect?" I said, "I've had eight pints."

He laughed, "In that case, I fully understand why you let your wife drive home."

 

[Silly Sausage]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!”

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where's the money?”

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." the lawyer tells the Godfather, "he says he doesn't know what you are talking about".

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again and tell him if he doesn't answer I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back,

"OK! You win!

The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.”

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers?

 

[Earthstore]

I posted this some time back, but for those that have not seen it..

An announcement from the captain on a plane,

This is your captain, and it is only right that I tell you that we are going to crash,

A lady starts putting on here make up, what are you doing the passengers said "well they always look for the smart people first"

Another woman putting on her jewelry, says "you have got that wrong, they always look for the one's with all the gold"..

Then an African woman puts her feet up on the seat in front of her and pulls off her knickers,and says
"You have all got it wrong because the first thing they look for is
The Black Box..

 

[specs]

At a wine merchants, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.
The director of the warehouse wondered how to send him away.They gave him a glass to drink.
He tried it and said, "It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel
containers". Low grade but acceptable.
"That's correct", said the boss.
Another glass.... "It's a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured
at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.."
"Correct."
A third glass...''It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something.
She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it.....

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if you don't give me the job,
I'll name the father."

 

[specs]

not your normal irish joke Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day...

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'

Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'

Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'

Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Paddy said, 'I raffled him off.

I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of £898'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two pounds back.'

Paddy now works for the Allied Irish Bank

 

[specs]

Cherie Blair is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.
Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the
car comes to a stop.

Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur: 'You get
out and check - you were driving.

'The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.

‘You were driving; go and tell the farmer, ' says Cherie.

Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair
ruffled with a big grin on his face.

'My goodness, what happened to you?' asks Cherie.

The chauffeur replies: ' When I got there, the farmer opened his best
bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the
daughter made love to me. '

'What on earth did you say?' asks Cherie. ' I knocked on the door,
and when it was answered, I said to them: ' I'm Cherie Blair's
chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.

 

[specs]

Ahkmed the Arab came to the United States from the Middle East , and he was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said: 'Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.'

Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said, 'It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?'

The doctor said .... You were homesick

 

[specs]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

 

[specs]

A Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest, "I'm pregnant."

He asked, "How did this happen, my child?"

She said, "I think it must be the second coming."

The priest, shocked by this reply asked, "What makes you think it's the second coming?"

She replied, "Because I swallowed the first one."

 

[specs]

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on
Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to his first year medical students.
Realising this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to
lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what
Your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably out golfing with his mates!'
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom

 

[specs]

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father!'

Many years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'

She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'

The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful! And how is yer loving hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome - to blow out yer fookin' candle.

 

[specs]

A man brings his best buddy back home for dinner.

His wife screams at him, "My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas & I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the ---- did you bring him home for?"

"Cause he's thinking of getting married."

 

[specs]

While on holiday abroad, I saw a car parked up with a sticker saying ; 'I MISS LIVERPOOL', So I smashed the window, stole the radio and left a note saying 'I hope this helps!!...b

 

[specs]

Tom had proposed to young Maureen and was being interviewed by his prospective father-in-law. "Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?" the older man asked the suitor.

"Yes, sir," replied Tom, "I am."

"Well," said Maureen's father, "think carefully now. There are six of us."

 

[specs]

Aussie love story A man and woman were married for 40 years. When they first got married, his new wife told the man "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it". In all their 40 years of marriage he honoured her request and never looked.

However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of him and he cautiously lifted the lid and peeked inside the box. In the box he found 3 empty beer bottles and $187.25 in small bills. He closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that he knew what was in the box, curiosity was doubled as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner at their favourite restaurant. After dinner the man could no longer contain his curiosity and confessed, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked. However today the temptation was just too much. I gave in and looked in the box. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?"

The woman thought for a while and answered "I guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." The man was stunned and said,

"I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess during those years when I travelled away from home on business temptation would happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years."

They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later the man asked his wife, "What about all that money in the box?" To which she answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."

 

[specs]

The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.

She said "well, he was a big muscular and handsome marine".

"Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked.

She said " I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much".

"So I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn't have that much either".

"Finally I said, well, how much do you have"?

The marine said that he only had $25.

The new hooker said "well, for $25 all I can do is service you by hand"

He agreed and after getting the finances straight, she said "he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then the second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand..."

"Oh my god" they all exclaimed, "it must have been huge, then what did you do?"

"I loaned him $75!" she said