A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best
patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see accountants
on my operating table because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, 'No, I really think librarians
are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like
construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have
a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when
he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine..
Plus, the head and the --- are interchangeable

 

[specs]

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track..'

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'

 

[specs]

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result.. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace... Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..

 

[specs]

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car showroom.
Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 120mph enjoying the wind blowing
through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing!"
he thought as he flew down the M4, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even
more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue
lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!"
thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 140mph, then 150 then 160.
Suddenly, he thought,
"What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!"

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch
up with him. Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's
side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir,
my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the
weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never
heard before, I'll let you go."
The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman and replied,
"Years ago my wife ran off with a policeman.
I thought you were bringing her back."

" Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman.

 

[Plonker 3]

Has anyone told specs that posts in here dont go towards your post count? lol

 

[specs]

Has anyone told specs that posts in here dont go towards your post count? lol

Damn it :bigcry:, I just thought the 'post' counter was stuck. do I get a free neon screwdriver for effort????resents3:

 

[specs]

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife.... "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died.





He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,"Wait just a moment!" She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.





So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.
" You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it

 

[specs]

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy smoke thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

 

[specs]

Mrs. Jones, who was over-weight, was attending the weight-watchers meeting.

He complained to the woman sitting next to her, "You know my husband insists on me attending these meetings cos he would rather screw a slim woman."

The lady replied, "So what's wrong with that?"

Mrs. Jones said, "He loves to do it when I am attending these meetings."

 

[specs]

A scientist gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin also has a poor farmer in it. To pass the time the scientist decides to play a game with the guy.

"I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me 1 dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get 10 dollars. You ask me a question first." The farmer thinks for a while.

"I know. What has three legs, takes 10 hours to climb up a palm tree, and 10 seconds to get back down?" The scientist is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the scientist takes out 10 dollars and gives it to the farmer.

"I don't know. What has 3 legs, takes 10 hours to get up a palm tree and 10 seconds to get back down?" The farmer takes the 10 dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out 1 dollar and hands it to the scientist.

"I don't know."

 

[specs]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:


The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.


The bouncer is a blonde girl.


I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.


The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.


The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times

 

[dan86]

A Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest, "I'm pregnant."

He asked, "How did this happen, my child?"

She said, "I think it must be the second coming."

The priest, shocked by this reply asked, "What makes you think it's the second coming?"

She replied, "Because I swallowed the first one."

good girl!

 

[specs]

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.

She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.

He asks the lady,

'Do you have a vagina?'

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman,

'Do you have a vagina?'

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice,

'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.'

The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice,

'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the ******* is going with it.'

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question;

'Do you have vagina'?

'Yes, actually I have one,' she says. The man replies..

'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?

 

[specs]

There was this boy in high school that was what you would
consider a nerd. Anyway he had his own lab in the basement
of his home and one night he came up and said "Dad look
what I made." So he poured a flask of fluid into a pot of
soil and instantly grass started to grow.

Of course his dad was really impressed with this and asked
his son if he can make something to make his penis grow.

His son thought for a minute and said that if he did then
dad would have to buy him a convertable.

Dad agreed.

The next night the son came out of the basement and gave his
dad a vial. The next morning his father came to him and told
him that he had something to show him. They went to the front
yard and the boy saw a cherry red ferrari.

The son looked at his dad and said "I only asked for a convertable."

The dad replied "the convertable is in the garage. The Ferrari is
from your mother."

 

[specs]

have a little Satnav, it sits there in my car

A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.

I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life

It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.

It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive

"It's thirty miles an hour", it says "You're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake

And tells me that it's never, ever safe to over take

It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green

It seems to know instinctively just when to intervene.

It lists the vehicles just in front

And all those to the rear

And taking this in to account, it specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver has, so helpful a device.

For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.

It fills me up with counselling

Each journey's pretty fraught.

So why don't I exchange it

And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed,

It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages

And my tendency to scoff,

I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bug*er off.

 

[specs]

Employer: Do you believe in life after death?
Employee: No I don't. Never seen any proof.
Employer: Well, I have proof for you now... after you left for your uncles funeral yesterday, he turned up here looking for you

 

[specs]

A girl is sitting at the edge of a tall building, contemplating suicide on Christmas day. Santa Claus sees the girl and sits down beside her.

"What's wrong my child?" asks the man.

"I have no job, no friends and no one who loves me and today i'm reminded of this even more.. there's no point."

Santa Claus thinks for a moment and replies: "What if i were to grant you 3 wishes, would that change your mind?"

The girl's eyes light up and she asks for her first wish " I want a beautiful house, one which money can't buy". The old man pulls out a piece of paper with an address and tells the girl that her new home is waiting for her there.

"I want more money that i could ever spend so that i can enjoy my house and new life and never need to worry about a job ever again"

"Next time you check your bank account, it will be there. More than you could ever spend." replies Santa.

"And finally, i want the perfect husband to live my dream life with and never have to be alone ever again!"

"Done, he will be waiting for you at your new place"

The girl gets up and begins to walk away from the ledge, Santa claus looks at her and asks a final question. "You seem a lot happier now, how would you feel about returning the favor to and old lonely man?"

"Sure, anything!" replies the girl.

"How about a BJ?" he asks.

The girls keeps her promise and starts doing her thing.

Towards the end, the old man asks the girl -- "How old are you child?"

"24" she replies.

"And you still believe in Santa Claus?"

 

[specs]

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!'

 

[specs]

A Brit and an American are chatting in a bar one day.

The American says, "you know, there's a term we have for you Brits, and I always wondered where it came from."

"Oh yes," says the Brit, "Which term would that be?"

"Why do we call you 'Limies'?"

"Ah, well, back in the grand old days of the Sea Faring Empire, one of the major problems on board ship was scurvy which, as you know, is greatly helped by vitamin C. Now, citrus fruits are a good source of Vitamin C but oranges tend to rot quite quickly, and so the Royal Navy commissioned a study and it was found that, of all the citrus fruits, limes lasted the longest. Hence, they put them aboard every ship as a daily ration, to help our brave lads stave off scurvy. So, of course, all of the sailors who met up with US sailors in foreign ports always had, and probably smelled a little of, limes. Hence your name for us."

"Well, I'll be damned," said the American. "I never knew that. Huh. You learn something every day."

"You know," said the Brit, "we have a term for you Americans, and I wondered if you knew the origin of it?"

"Shoot!" replied the American.

"Why is it that we call you '******s'?"

 

[specs]

trust admin to obliterate the whole word, they could have left the W***** at the beginning