A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

A guy meets a hooker in a bar

She says to him, "this is your lucky night. I've got a special going, for $300 i'll do absolutely anything you can think of but the catch is you have to be able to say it in 3 words or less."

The guy replies, "thats a great deal" then slowly lays out 3 $100 dollar bills and says


"Paint... My... House."

 

[tidyboiler]

A precious little girl, with two missing teeth, walks into Pet Smart and asks the owner, "Excuthe me mithter, do you have any widdle wabbits?"
As his heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, crosses her arms,
Leans forward and says;

"It dothn't weally matter, I don't think my python givth a thit."

 

[Darkwood]

An urgent warning has been given to all ginger women to avoid getting the Brazilian done as it looks like a fish finger!

 

[specs]

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else…

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I’ll give you a $100 if you let me screw you,But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, "I’ll be fast. I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I’ll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend… So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won’t even be able to get his pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.

She responded, "The ******* used coins!"

 

[specs]

Fred knocks on his pal Harrys door. Harry comes out bad tempered, muttering "That woman, that bloody woman, im gonna kill her, i'm gonna get a gun and kill her. Fred says don't do that you'll get life imprisonment, i 'll tell you what to do. Shag her to death, morning noon and night. It only takes two weeks and the police can never prove a thing. Harry says that's what i'll do.

A week later, Fred thinks i'd better go up and see how he's getting on. Harry comes to the door all bent and haggard a shawl over his shoulders, his wife's in the kitchen singing and whistleing like a canary. Fred says, " is everything ok, all going to plan?"
Harry says "yeah I think so, Huh, listen to her, happy as Larry, only got a week to live and dosen't even know it."

 

[specs]

I was walking across a field when I came upon a well so I dropped a small pebble down it and listened for the splash....as you do.
Nothing. so i dropped a large stone down and listened......nothing. Next a very large rock..not a splash. Finally I saw a large railway sleeper laying so I dragged that across and sent it down and heard "Turrrumph turrrumph turrrumph getting louder. I looked round and saw a billy goat thundering straight for me, head and horns down, legs going like pistons. Just in time I swerved aside and the goat went shooting down the well. Phew I thought. Just then the farmer came along and said " Ere, arrv yew seen a goat arounds ere? " "No" says I
"That's strange says the farmer, he cant have gone far, I left him tied to a railway sleeper

 

[specs]

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Baltimore, they have weekly husbands' Marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Tony, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary,
to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same
woman all these years.

Tony replied to the assembled husbands, 'Well, I'v tried to treat her nice, spend money on her,
but best of all is, I took her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, Tony, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!
Please tell us, are you planning something special for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Tony proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."

 

[specs]

A woman went to the doctor and complained that she was suffering from I knee pains.

"Do you indulge in any activity that puts a lot of pressure on your knees?" asked the doctor.

"Every night, my husband and I have sex on the floor doggy style."

"I see," said the doctor. "You know, there are plenty of other sexual positions?"

"Not if you want to watch TV there ain't

 

[specs]

A lady is running out of luck at the roulette table in a casino. She is left with only $500 and is absolutely desperate. She cries out, "This is the heights of bad luck! What in heaven's name should I do now?"

A gentleman standing next to her, tries to console her and says, "Why don't you just play your age?"

He goes away but in a short while, he hears some commotion and walks back to the roulette table. He is surprised to see the lady lying unconscious on the floor, while a crowd had gathered around her.

He asks the operator, "What happened to her? Is she ok?"

The operator replies, "I have no idea sir, she put all her money on 28. When 37 showed up, she just fainted!"

 

[tidyboiler]

I love the Italian one Specs....... it wouldn't be too much of a hardship being left in Italy with all those swarthy bad-boy italians......:rofl:

 

[cstewart37]

A lady goes to her priest one day and confesses, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

What do they say?" the priest inquires curiously.

The woman blushes as she explains that the two female birds repeat the same phrase over and over: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

That's obscene!" the priest exclaims. After a few moments of deliberation, however, he offers a solution. "You know," he says, "I have two male parrots, very devout birds, whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your female parrots to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship and speak in a more appropriate manner."

"Thank you," the woman responds, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brings her two female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushers her in, she sees his two male parrots inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walks over and places her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female birds cry out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

There is a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

 

[specs]

A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary.

That night the wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy negligee she had worn on their wedding night.

She looked at her husband and said, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up at her and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She said, "That's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?" she asked.

He responded, "As I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big ----- and screw your brains out.' "

She giggled and said, "Yes honey, that's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, and I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"

Again he looked up at her, and he replied, "Mission accomplished."

 

[specs]

A man wearing a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter.

"But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money".

"Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door.

"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"

"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.

"Don't argue, just drink it" he says.

She prys off the cap and gulps it down.

"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands.

The girl drinks another one.

Suddenly the guy pulls off the mask and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.......

"Not that damn difficult, is it?" he says

 

[specs]

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."--Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

 

[Geordie Spark]

I love the Italian one Specs....... it wouldn't be too much of a hardship being left in Italy with all those swarthy bad-boy italians......:rofl:

I'm watching you Wor Lass !! :nono:

 

[specs]

Hi Uncle Tom,
I am a lady aged 26, I left my husband with the maid and my baby at home, I drove for just
about 2 km from home & my car engine started to overheat so I had to turn back to get another
car, when I got home I found my husband in bed with our maid, I don't know what to do now please help me.

UNCLE TOM'S REPLY:

Over heating of the engine after such short distance can be caused by problems associated with the radiator, you need to check the oil and water level in your engine before you start your journey, you must also make sure your car is
serviced regularly to avoid problems in future hope this helps

 

[specs]

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp

 

[Silly Sausage]

As my wife and three of her friends squeezed into the car after Weight Watchers, I muttered under my breath, "you bunch of fat cows."

"What was that?" snapped my wife.

"You herd." I replied!

 

[Silly Sausage]

Seen on the back of a toilet door:

Things I hate -

1 Graffiti
2 Lists
3 Irony

 

[Silly Sausage]

Gday mate! Fosters helpine. How can we help mate?

Im in Australia holidaying with my girlfriend, and she's been stung on the minge by a hornet, now her fanny has fully closed up?

"Bummer mate"

That's what i thought thanks guys Urulu