A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car

 

[Geordie Spark]

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car

Eddie Cochran - Twenty Flight Rock - YouTube

 

[specs]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.

He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his baby face!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.

He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.

How can I possibly repay you?"

My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

 

[specs]

Two guys met in the middle of the desert. One was carrying a car door, the other an umbrella. The one with the car door said to the guy with the umbrella, "Why are you carrying that umbrella around, it isn't going to rain in the desert?" To which the guy with the umbrella replies, "Yeah”, but it keeps me out of the sun! By the way, why are you carrying around that car door, you don’t even have a car to go with it” The guy with the car door says, "yeah, well at least if I get too hot from the sun I can just roll down the window!"

 

[specs]

Where's specs gone. See he hasn't posted in over three weeks!

I bet your sorry you asked now.:smilewinkgrin:

 

[telectrix]

not a sorry as some of your jokes. :smilielol5:

 

[dan86]

For a couple years I 've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes

My fave so far

 

[specs]

Two bears were sitting at the side of the river near Ottawa ..
The smaller bear turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.
We're the same age; we were the same size as cubs.
I just don't get it.'
'Well,' said the big Bear, 'what have you been eating?'
'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Bear.
'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'
'Down near the parking lot by the Parliament Buildings.'
'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?'
'Well, I hide under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door.
Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the $hit out of them and eat 'em!'
'Ah!' says the big Bear, 'I think I see your problem.
You're not getting any real nourishment.
See, by the time you finish shaking the $hit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an a$$hole and a briefcase.

 

[specs]

Im Jane she said

"I'm Christopher," he replied "but everyone calls me Dick for short"

"How do you get Dick from Christopher?" she asked

"You just ask nicely" he replied

 

[specs]

A general store hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

"I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely.

The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which, of course, happens to be located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view.

As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction. Right away, another guy asks for raisin bread and, then, each guy in turn is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.

After more than a few trips, the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.

"Is yours raisin too?" She yells testily.

"No," croaks the old man feebly, "But it's starting to twitch."

 

[specs]

*Warning about e-Bay* *
Be careful what you buy on eBay.

If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully.

A friend has just spent $ 195 plus sales tax on a penis enlarger.

ba$tard$ sent him a magnifying glass.

The only instruction said, "Do not use in sunlight."*

 

[Geordie Spark]

 

[specs]

The middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.

The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.

She texted:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:

I'm on the toilet. Please advise

 

[Geordie Spark]

 

[Silly Sausage]

The middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.

The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.

She texted:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:

............................................. or

I'm engaged in a bit of onanism, please advise.

 

[Silly Sausage]

Teacher asks the kids in class "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Billy says "I wanna be a billionaire, have a beautiful bitch on my arm, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel the world, a 200 ft yacht, an infinite visa card and I wanna screw her 3 times a day..."
The teacher in shock ignores the boy and turns to little Nancy and asks " What about you dear?"
"I wanna be Billy's bitch.

 

[Silly Sausage]

Paddy & Mick flew to Canada for an adventure.
They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.

They managed to shoot 6. Loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power
the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

Miraculously, surrounded by moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

Climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

 

[Silly Sausage]

Two Irish nuns sat at traffic lights in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside.

"Oi, get your clothes off, you penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross". So Sister Immaculata winds down her window and shouts,
"Peess off you little barstewards, before I come over there and rip your head off"!

Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks "Was that cross enough"?

 

[specs]

The banker saw his old friend Harry, an eighty-year-old rancher, in town one day. Harry had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying again.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Harry if the rumor was true. Harry assured him that it was.

The banker then asked Harry the age of his new bride to be.

Harry proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in this December."

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.

Wanting his old friend's later years to be happy ones, the banker tactfully suggested that Harry should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Harry thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Harry in town again.

"How's the new wife?" asked the banker.

Harry proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advise had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Harry said, "She's pregnant too!"

 

[specs]

WORDS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:


1. Innovative


2. Preliminary


3. Proliferation


4. Cinnamon





WORDS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:


1. Specificity


2. Anti-constitutionalistically


3. Passive-aggressive disorder


4. Transubstantiate





WORDS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:


1. No thanks, I'm married.


2. Nope, no more booze for me!


3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.


4. No thanks, I'm not hungry.


5. I'm not interested in fighting you.


6. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance. I have no coordination


and would hate to look like a real Fool!


7. Oh no, I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning

 

[specs]

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED
AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:

'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody
under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk
to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those
fears..'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to
see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot
of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all
that money that I went and bought myself a new car!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did
a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there
now!!!'


FORGET THE SHRINKS..

HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!

 

[specs]

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I’m actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question. The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29". "I am actually 47." Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it’s done. You are 47." Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds!"

 

[specs]

Worth the read....enjoy



This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why!

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes.

The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if
They are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant
answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal
questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with
(phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same
three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City
drop to its knees with laughter.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have.."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if
you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sarah."

DJ: "Is Sarah at work, Brian?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever Have said
that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this
morning?

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work Number and
call her up.

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?" (Touch tones.....
ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air Right now and
I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to
give any\answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules
of 'Mate Match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be
completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If
your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be Off to
the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright.. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm.. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his
manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away
from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sarah......where did you have it?

Sarah: "Up the arse....."

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was Going to have
a heart attack, he could not stop laughing. Apparently there was an
unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this
conversation, for minor traffic collisions.

 

[specs]

Two couples were playing poker one evening.


Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the
Table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear
Under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit
His head on the table and emerged red-faced



Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife
Followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?'
Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.


She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you
$500. 'After taking a minute or two to assess the financial
And moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.


Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons
And Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.


When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m.
Sharp - and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went
To the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. Jim quickly
Dressed and left.
As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m.. And upon arriving,
Asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'


With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by
For a few minutes this afternoon.'


Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked,
'And did he give you $500?'


Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes,
In fact he did give me $500.'


Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,
'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me.
He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home
And pay me back.'

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player

 

[specs]

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous.

A night of tall tales commences.

The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."

The second chimes in, "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis

 

[Earthstore]

Worth the read....enjoy



This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why!

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes.

The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if
They are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant
answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal
questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with
(phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same
three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City
drop to its knees with laughter.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have.."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if
you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sarah."

DJ: "Is Sarah at work, Brian?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever Have said
that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this
morning?

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work Number and
call her up.

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?" (Touch tones.....
ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air Right now and
I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to
give any\answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules
of 'Mate Match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be
completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If
your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be Off to
the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright.. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm.. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his
manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away
from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sarah......where did you have it?

Sarah: "Up the arse....."

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was Going to have
a heart attack, he could not stop laughing. Apparently there was an
unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this
conversation, for minor traffic collisions.

But did they win the holiday?

 

[Kate]

But did they win the holiday?

I was about to ask that!!

 

[Des 56]

Worth the read....enjoy



This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why!

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes.

The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if
They are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant
answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal
questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with
(phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same
three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City
drop to its knees with laughter.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have.."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if
you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sarah."

DJ: "Is Sarah at work, Brian?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever Have said
that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this
morning?

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work Number and
call her up.

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?" (Touch tones.....
ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air Right now and
I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to
give any\answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules
of 'Mate Match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be
completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If
your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be Off to
the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright.. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm.. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his
manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away
from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sarah......where did you have it?

Sarah: "Up the arse....."

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was Going to have
a heart attack, he could not stop laughing. Apparently there was an
unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this
conversation, for minor traffic collisions.

The Yanks can be just as stupid https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4XM5hbS7GlU

 

[specs]

a man was drinking with a pal, he had to much too drink and vomited on his jacket, the missus will go friggin spare now he says to his mate, do what I do says his mate, put a tenner in the jacket pocket and when the wife starts moaning blame me, and say hes put a tenner in my pocket to cover the dry cleaning, ok will do great idea. when he gets home his missus is fuming, look at the sick all over your jacket, u disgust me..holding up his hand he says jack did it, hes put a tenner in my pocket to cover the dry cleaming, checking his pocket she finds 20 pounds. theres 20 pounds here she says? thinking about it, he replies..thats right he $hit in my pants as well

 

[specs]

New Words 1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an arsehole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

11. Osteo****osis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes, and it's a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you

14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.