Although Becky's husband Abe died almost five years ago, shes finding it very difficult to come to terms with her loss and acts as if shes still in mourning. Her daughter is constantly urging her to get back into the living world, but up to now is having no luck.

But then one day, she is surprised to hear her mother say, "OK, Ill go out, but I dont know anyone to go out with."

Naomi quickly says, "Dont worry, mum. I know someone youll really like. His name is Cyril."

Cyril and Becky became a couple almost instantly and after dating for nearly two months, Cyril asks her whether she would like to spend the weekend with him at the Grand Hotel, Eastbourne.

"Of course, Cyril."

On their first night at the hotel, they both undress and soon Becky is naked except for a pair of black lacy panties while Cyril is in his birthday suit. Cyril looks at her and asks, "Why the black panties?"

"Mine lips you can kiss, mine neck you can nuzzle, mine breasts you can fondle and mine body you can explore. But down you-know-where, Im still in mourning."

Realizing this night is not going to be his night for action, Cyril frowns. but hes patient and cunning. The next night Becky stands there, again, in her black panties while Cyril wears nothing....except a black condom.

"What's with the black condom?"

"I want to offer my deepest condolences,"
 
beach.jpgGeordie & Me.
 
I got my camera out when I spotted my 19-year-old next door neighbour washing the family car dressed only in a bikini.

He'll never live this down.
 
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The granddad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy."

Another outburst and she hears the granddad calmly say : "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Granddad says again in a controlled voice : "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."

Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says : "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his granddad."

"Thanks," says the grandpa. "But I am William. The little b*st*rd's name is Kevin."
 
The wife said to me last night. “If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll
take it up the bvm.

Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.
 
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.

In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Football, Golf, Football, Sailing and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed, Desperate.

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the I Thought You Loved Me app and run the Tears function. You may like to try the Guilt function also.

If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery and Flowers, but remember - overuse of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.

In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

Good Luck, Tech Support
 
TAXI drivers in Southampton have installed signs reassuring passengers they speak nasty, ill-informed horseshlt.

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Charlie Reeves is taking a 10-week course in Advanced Gypsy

The move follows more than seven complaints to the local authority of cab journeys that did not include a single mention of the inherent dishonesty of a particular ethnic group or a hypothetical starting XI for an all-white England football team.
Cab driver Charlie Reeves said: "I've passed my forced repatriation and I'm now fluent in the four pillars of racism. It's a bit technical but in laymen's terms it's Job Stealing, Funny Food, My Bloody Taxes and Natural Rhythm."
He added: "In London it's called Doing the Lack of Knowledge whereas down here it's known as 'Reading the Papers'."
Drivers are now required to give a full tariff of services provided, with a detailed account of how they once got a trial for West Ham the same year as Trevor Brooking, charged at clock-and-a-half.
How much they love their grandson even though he has a 'touch of the tar brush' will cost twice the normal rate, though passengers can expect a 10% discount if the driver ever indicates he had never thought about it that way before.
Southampton councillor, Roy Hobbs, said: "For many people arriving in Southampton, the taxi driver is the first experience of speaking to a genuine British moron.
"Taxi drivers are as much a part of the fabric of British life as vandalised Jewish cemeteries and phone-in sports radio and we do not want that being watered down by some reasonably well educated second generation immigrant who just wants to drive people to their destination without making them want to puke."
 
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Britain stops pretending to care

21-12-12
AS the Christmas holiday looms, Britons have abandoned all pretence of being interested in their jobs.

pint2501.jpg
Your desire for a pint is a cliche because it’s true

Millions of desk workers have stopped trying to act ‘passionate’ and ‘motivated’, instead being quite open about their desire to fvck off after lunchtime.
Telesales operative Nikki Hollis said: “My manager just said, ‘let’s look busy for a couple of hours then hoof it’ and we all cheered.
“It’s more magical than actual Christmas – as if for one special day we’re treated like humans instead of hive ants.
“This refreshing honesty almost makes me like being here.
“Although of course I still hope the office burns to the ground over Christmas.”
Those with specialist professions are being equally upfront about their desire to get into a pub.
Surgeon Julian Cook said: “I’ve got a quick transplant to bash out, then it’s home time. We’ll race through it and get him zipped back up in an hour.
“I’ve brought a staple gun, it’s quicker than actual stitches.”
Motivational speaker Tom Logan said: “As someone whose entire career is based on faked enthusiasm it’s not often I say anything other than upbeat drivel.
“But today’s ‘personal goal’ is to wanc it out and fvck off early.”
 
Scientists discover most middle class tattoo

25-01-13
THE most middle class tattoo is the word ‘moustache’ in a speech bubble, coming out of a swallow’s mouth, on the wearer’s finger.


Face tattoos remain completely ****ing mental

The design has been confirmed as the ultimate mix of modern and heritage trends, indicating that the inked person is playful, enjoys hand-made tapenade and has spent at least £50 in Stow-on-the-Wold.
Dr Nathan Muir explained: “Previously, the tattoo was a useful indicator of impending hospitalisation.
“You were dealing with someone who would knock you unconscious with a bar stool and then use it to anally penetrate you before emptying your pockets and having a go on the fruity.
“Meanwhile, meeting a girl with a tattoo was like getting a free pass to Disneyland. If it was full of skanks.
“But now you pick up a woman with a load of wild tribal designs, just to discover the only thing she’s going to blow is a frangipani tea light.”
Francesca Johnson, a Pilates blogger, said “When I first got my swallow, it was a statement of individuality. Then everyone got one, so I added the moustache detail and it became ironic.
“My Granny always hated it, but now she’s thinking about getting her own as someone told her there’s a pop up tattoo parlour at the Conran Shop.”
She added: “I have complained to Westminster City Council.”
 
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Abe is 75 years old and has just married Becky, a 35 year old. They are very much in love, but no matter what Abe does sexually, Becky cant achieve an orgasm. Since a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask their minister for advice.

When the minister hears their story, he says, "Heres what you can do. Hire a handsome young man and during your lovemaking, get him to wave a white towel over you both. That will help Becky let her imagination run wild and should bring on an orgasm."

Abe and Becky follow his suggestion. They hire a handsome young man and next time they are making love, he waves a white towel over them as instructed. But it doesn't help - Becky is still left unsatisfied.
So back to the minister they go.

He looks at Abe and says, "OK. Let's try it another way round. Get your young man to make love to Becky and you wave the white towel."

Once again, Abe and Becky follow the minister's advice. That night, as soon as the young man gets into bed with Becky, Abe waves the white towel. The young man works with great enthusiasm and soon Becky has an enormous, earth shattering orgasm.

Abe smiles, looks at the young man and says smugly, "See - thats how to wave a towel."
 
[h=2]Fat Girls Having Best Day Ever[/h]04-09-09
FAT girls are having the best day ever after a scientist said all the skinny girls were going to die first.


largegirl2.jpg
'Cheryl Cole can kiss my thighs'

Across Britain big women cracked opened fresh tubs of ice cream as new research found that people with giant thighs are somehow healthier than people without giant thighs.
Emma Bradford, 18-stone of girlmeat from Doncaster, said: "You may have skinny little legs Nikki Hollis, but in 20 years time you'll be dead and I'll be the one bouncing up and down on your boyfriend until he bursts.
"I'll be thinking of you as my giant thighs almost smother his grinning face. Then I'll put on my massive pants and make him a big, sexy breakfast of sausages and pies."
Emma warned that acquiring a healthy set of thighs takes a lot of hard work and would not happen overnight, but advised would-be thigh perfectionists to start with a box-set of One Tree Hill and an enormous amount of Pringles.
The thigh boost comes just 24 hours after a magazine published a naked photograph of an attractive woman with at least two chins and a belly.

Dr Margaret Gerving, director of the Simply Be Foundation, said: "We have been saying for years that big girls offer much better value for money.
"They live longer, they have stronger personalities, they clean their plate and they can take several days to explore."
She added: "Now then, who's up for a chocolate sandwich?"
 
[h=2]America spied on Yorkshire ‘for about five minutes[/h]
headsetguy.jpg

AMERICA’S National Security Agency tapped the phone calls of Yorkshire for five minutes before throwing its headphones across the room in horror.
Seasoned professional at the NSA, many of whom have spied on the French, were left traumatised by their brief insight into what Yorkshire people say to each other in private.
A source said: “It was like overhearing a conversation between demons from the fifth circle of hell.
“No matter where the conversation started out, it very quickly found its way to the subject of faeces.
“They were talking about it as if it was money.”
Another source added: “From what I could determine, most of them are cannibals.”
 
[h=2]Splashback avoidable by urinating in the sink, say male scientists[/h]


sink425.jpg
MALE researchers into the problem of ‘splashback’ have advised urinating in the sink.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “The toilet bowl is simply too far away from the standing male’s urethra, so mishaps are inevitable.
“On a scientific level it is far more sensible for men to go in the sink. Urine is sterile so it’s not a hygiene issue, it’s totally fine.
“In terms of convenience it’s good too because you don’t need to cross the room to wash your hands afterwards.
“As an added bonus, lots of rooms that don’t have toilets have sinks, for example kitchens and hotel bedrooms. If the sink is at the bottom of the bed you can even urinate without getting up.
“That’s hypothetical of course, I’ve never done that. Well, maybe a couple of times.”
 
Wanted A tall well-built woman with good

reputation, who can cook frogs

legs, who appreciates a good fuc-

schia garden, classic music and tal-

king without getting too serious.

Interested?
Then please only read lines 1, 3 and 5;
still interested?
Call me at...... 8250-0327
 
MALES are deeply confused by a new sort of pawnography that is both for women and made of words.


Intimidating

E L James’s novel 50 Shades of Grey, which has smashed paperback sales records, is simultaneously more extreme than men’s own sexual fantasies and requires the user to hold it with both hands.
Network engineer Tom Booker said: “I heard the wife going on to her sister about 50 Shades, but thought it couldn’t possibly be pawnography because there weren’t any pictures.
“However I’ve just found her logged onto an internet chatroom as spank_me_kindly, asking for a master who will take her to the Red Room of Pain, so something’s clearly up.”
The book, which chronicles the romance between businessman Christian Grey and college graduate Anastasia Steele, has further confused men by having a respectable cover.
Plumber Roy Hobbs said: “It doesn’t have the word ‘Slutz’ on it in neon lettering or any females covered in soap suds. That’s a level of subtlety I find intimidating.”
However copywriter Julian Cook said: “I’m a sophisticated man. I’ve known books can be sexy ever since I frotted myself raw to chapter five of James Herbert’s The Rats aged 13.
“But apparently my life partner, who was furious when I bought her crotchless panties for Valentine’s Day, now thinks it’s really hot to read about virgins signing contracts to be sex slaves.
“I’ve suggested we do some of that submissive-dominant stuff but she’s told me to fvck off. I’ll never understand women.”
Francesca Johnson, Mr Cook’s girlfriend, explained: “Sexual subjugation is hugely arousing when practised with a devastatingly handsome multi-millionaire who buys you iPads and Audis, less so with someone who picks his toenails during CSI: Miami.”
 
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.. One
night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her
a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also
provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it
discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti'
on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey,
she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed
and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.



On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.


Send extra sauce.
 
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant. 'Murphy, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'.

'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: 'So,Murphy, how was your day?'

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.

'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.'

'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor.

'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir' says Murphy.

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' Asks the doctor

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting' including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!''

'Tunderin' lard Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor.

'I put drops in her eyes!
 
A blonde calls her boyfriend andsays,
"Please come overhere and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure outhow to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks,"What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says,"According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to goover and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him whereshe has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the piecesfor a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says- "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going tobe able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling atiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want youto relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..." He sighed.........


"Let'sput all the Frosties back in the box......."
 
Henny Youngman One Liners

1. My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

2. Now take my wife.. Please someone, take her.

3. I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

4. The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret

5. My grandmother is over eighty and she still doesnt need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

6. I'm now making a Jewish ****o film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.

7. I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife every finds out, she'll kill me!

8. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

9. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

10. Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it
 
Weightlifting Commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing."

Murray Walker: "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical."

Greg Norman: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

Alan Minter: "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing but none of them serious."

Ron Atkinson: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it -- you can see it all over their faces."

Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."

Metro Radio: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics: "There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."
 
John goes to his doctor and asks for a double dose of ------. The doctor says, "I cant give you a double dose."

"Why not?"

"Because it's not safe," replies the doctor.

"But I need it really bad,"

"Why?" asks the doctor.

"Because," says John, "My girlfriend is coming on Friday; my ex-wife on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose."

On hearing this, the doctor reluctantly agrees but says, "OK, but you must see me on Monday so I can check whether youve suffered any side effects."

On Monday, John drags himself in. His arm is in a sling. The doctor asks, "What happened?"

"No one showed up."
 
Patrick, a lawyer, arrives home late one evening after a very tiring day trying to get a stay of execution for his client, James Wright, who is due to be hanged for murder at midnight. Patrick had made a last-minute plea for clemency to the governor, but his plea had been rejected. So when Patrick arrives home, hes depressed and very, very tired.

But as soon as he walks into his house, his wife starts on him. "And what time of night do you call this Patrick? You should have been home hours ago - where have you been all this time?" Her naggng is incessant.

Patrick is too tired to participate in this regular ritual and ignores her tirade. Instead, he pours himself a glass of best whiskey and goes upstairs to have a good long soak in a hot bath. 20 minutes later, while still in the bath, the phone rings. His wife answers and is told that her husband's client has, at the very last moment, been granted his stay of execution after all and goes upstairs to give him the good news. She opens the bathroom door and is immediately greeted by Patricks naked backside as he is bends over drying his feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she says.

Patrick straightens up, turns around and screams , "For crying out loud, woman, don't you ever stop your bitching?"
 
My wife told me the other day that we need to do more together so I signed us both up to a Swingers Club. Well it says couples only on the application form.
 

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[h=3][/h]
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were carpenters and were boasting about The high degree of accuracy they used in their work.
'I work to The nearest hundredth of an inch,' said The Englishman.
'I work to The nearest thousandth of an inch,' said The Scotsman.
That wouldn't do me at all,' said The Irishman, 'I have to get it dead right.'
[/TD]
 

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[TD="width: 542, bgcolor: #ffffff, align: left"]
[h=3][/h]
The Englishman and The Scotsman were boasting about The size of their estates.
'I can get into my car at seven o'clock in The morning,' said The Englishman, 'and drive and drive all around my estate and not get back until four o'clock in The afternoon.'
'I can get into my car at six o'clock in The morning,' said The Scotsman, 'and drive and drive all around my estate and not get back until seven o'clock in The evening.'
'I had an old car like that too myself once,' said The Irishman.
[/TD]
 
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were applying for a job as a lumberjack so The foreman gave each of them an axe and told then to cut down trees for a day. The Englishman cut down a hundred trees while The Scotsman cut down two hundred, but The Irishman cut down five hundred trees so he got The job.
That's terrific,' said The foreman. Tell me, where did you learn to cut down trees like that?'
'In The Sahara Desert,' said The Irishman.
'But there aren't any trees in The Sahara Desert,' said The foreman.
'Not now there aren't,' said The Irishman.
 

[TD="bgcolor: #ffffff, align: left"][/TD]
[TD="width: 542, bgcolor: #ffffff, align: left"]
[h=3][/h]
The Englishman, The Irishman and The Scotsman were in charge of a hospital for The disabled and one day they were showing a millionaire around The place in The hope of getting a large donation from him.
The Englishman took him into a ward where there was a man with no arms. That's terrible,' said The millionaire, 'look here's a cheque for £50,000.'
The Scotsman took him into a ward where there was a man with no arms or legs. That's terrible,' said The millionaire, 'look here's a cheque for £100,000.'
The Irishman took him into a ward where there was a bed with just a single tooth lying on The pillow.
'Oh my God,' gasped The millionaire, 'is that all that's left of The poor fellow?'
'Worse still,' said The Irishman, 'he's having that tooth out tomorrow.'
[/TD]
 
A Scottish soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy. Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, then unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds, to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.

The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

"How much to repair it?' the Scot asks the chemist.

"Six pence" answers the chemist.

"How much for a new one?"

"Ten pence" says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemist's shop and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

"The regiment has taken a vote," he says, “we'll have a new one!"
 
Langon is hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and he's excited. He's especially thrilled because he gets to take two long solos.

After the sessions, which go great, Langon can't wait to see the finished product. He asks the producer where and when he can catch the film. A little embarrassed, the producer explains that the music is for a pawno flick that will be out in a month, and he tells Langon where he can go to see it.

A month later, Langon puts his collar up, puts on dark glasses, and he goes to the theater where the picture is playing. He walks in and sits way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seems to be disguised and hiding.

The movie starts, and it's the filthiest, most perverted pawno flick ever. Group sex, S&M, golden showers... and then, halfway through, a dog gets in on the action. Before anyone can blink an eye, the dog has done all the women in ever orifice, and most of the men.

Langon is incredibly embarrassed, and he turns to the old couple and whispers, "I'm only here for the music."

The woman turns to Langon and whispers back, "I understand, we're here to see our dog."
 
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

"Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
 
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'

"Yeah?" she replies. "Well, when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband ... Stiff At Last.'
 
Paddy and Murphy go for an interview for lorry driving jobs, Murphy goes in first, interviewer say's all you paperwork is in order, I just have one more test, I will give you a word and I want you to incorporate it in a sentence, the word I want you to use is "great".
Murphy replies; I have a Donkey jacket I think it's really "great"
Interviewer say's well done you have the job.

On his way out Murphy tells Paddy it is easy, he gives you a word and you put it in a sentence, so I said " I have a donkey jacket and I think it's really great.

So Paddy goes in, yep, paperwork all in order, just one more test, I give you a word and you have to incorporate it into a sentence.
Paddy replies "I have a donkey jacket and I think it's really great"
Interviewer Say's I have not given you the word yet..... and the word I want you to use is fascinate....

Oh say's Paddy... then replies " I have a donkey jacket and I think it's really great, it has nine shiny buttons but I can only fascinate....
 
Airline announcements, some real examples that have been heard or reported: -


On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."


Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
 

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Title
A new jokes thread for your amusement.
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N/A
Forum
Electrician Talk Forum
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Replies
3K

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Created
MarkieSparkie,
Last reply from
Mike Johnson,
Replies
2,593
Views
440,039

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