A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my
studies of the Bible that:-Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair,
Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

(You're going to love the Dad's reply!)

"Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

 

[hillbillie]

My missus thumped me when I showed her this...and then sent me back to the kitchen to finish the dinner

 

[dan86]

I got to the till in Ann Summers with a giant strap-on earlier and said to the girl behind the counter, "How do you fancy coming back to my place for the strangest sex of your life?"

"Are you trying it on?" she asked.

"No," I replied. "You're wearing it."

 

[specs]

A London lawyer runs a stop sign in Dublin and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda...

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer, from London , and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense!!

Irish Garda says,' License and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

Irish Garda replies, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign.'

London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Irish Garda says, 'You still didn't come to a complete stop. License And registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Irish Garda says, 'The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!'

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between 'slow down' and 'stop', I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Irish Garda says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish Garda takes out his baton and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer with it and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

 

[steve50]

FIFTY SHADES OF ...............


You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you
laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you applied your
hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near
crazy while you drained me.

Finally, I drifted off to sleep.

Today when I awoke, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only
the sheets bore witness to last night's events.
My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it
all the more difficult to forget you.

Tonight, I will remain awake, waiting for you........



F...ing mosquito!

- - - Updated - - -

 

[specs]

As we stripped off jumping into the bed I said to my boyfriend, "Can you give me a minute?"

"Why? Want to freshen up?" He asked.

"No," I replied. "Its just that last time you only gave me 30 seconds."

 

[specs]

A guy and a girl have been dating for a while and she tells him that she's ready to go the next step of their relationship; it's time to have sex. She invites him over for dinner at her parents house and then afterwards to go back to her place to do the deed.

After much consideration he decides that he should buy condoms just to be safe for their night of love making. So he goes to the pharmacy and takes a look. He becomes indecisive about which package of condoms to buy, should he buy the large fifty pack or go with the four pack? He decides to ask the pharmacist and explains the situation to him. After speaking with him for a while he decides to get the large fifty pack.

Later that night, he goes to his girlfriend's parents house for dinner, bringing her mother flowers. They all sit around the table, and he, to the surprise of his girlfriend, offers to say grace. They all bow their heads and five minutes go by, ten minutes go by and he's still praying.

The girlfriend leans over to him and says: "Wow I didn't know you were so religious."

He leans back over and responds "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist."

 

[specs]

An elderly woman sitting on her porch, petting her beloved cat. A genie walks up her sidewalk. "Ma'am, you have lived a happy and simple life, I wish to grant you three wishes."

The woman smiles, "Oh, I have to think, well, I would like to be 18 again."

The genie nods his head and she transforms into her 18 years old self. "I would like lots of money!" she wishes.

He nods again and piles of gold and coins pile all beside her.

The woman stops, "My cat here has been loyal and sweet, could you turn him into a young, handsome man?"

The genie nods his head a third time and disappears. Turning around she sees a young man, fit, gorgeous and perfect.

"Why hello" she says coyly.

He looks at her, "Don't you remember, you had me neutered."

 

[specs]

So this pilot was talking to his co-pilot and he says, "Man i could really use a blowjob and a coffee."

Little did he know, he hand his hand on the intercom, blasting his statement out to the whole plane.

The flight attendants all exchanged looks before one of them started running up to the front of the plane to tell the pilot to let go off the button.

On her way there a passenger shouts, "Don't forget the coffee!"

 

[specs]

A woman in her forties is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, 'Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?'

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, 'I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18-year-old.'

The husband replies, 'What did he say about your 52-year old arse?'

'Your name never came up,' she replied.

 

[specs]

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for £500. They did their thing,
and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his
secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office,he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for £250 and enclose the following typed note:

'Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a cheque for £250 for rent of your
apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon,
because when I rented the place, I was under the
impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.'
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
returned the cheque for £250 with the following note:

'Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a
beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you
know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of
regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture
to fill it, please do not blame the management.
So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced
to contact your present landlady...

 

[ian.settle1]

As we stripped off jumping into the bed I said to my boyfriend, "Can you give me a minute?"

"Why? Want to freshen up?" He asked.

"No," I replied. "Its just that last time you only gave me 30 seconds."

Don't want to know about your sexual orientation:censored::53:

 

[specs]

halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing..
They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him
in the course.'

So .... his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... but you just won't believe this.
They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'

'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year,
his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.

So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news.

Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room,
kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked,

'So, is your daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''

The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that ******* before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer

 

[specs]

Don't want to know about your sexual orientation:censored::53:

Its a 'jokes' thread, Not my life story.:angel_smile:

 

[specs]

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the elderly gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently," she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered "Is that one word or two?"

 

[specs]

A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note -- romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he bought a pair of white gloves; the younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents first, he sealed his package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:

Darling,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

I wish I were there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my Love, Hollingsworth

P.S The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing

 

[specs]

The beautiful secretary of a bank president was asked to squire around the king of a wealthy African kingdom, one of the bank's most important clients.

After a day shopping & sightseeing, the king was utterly besotted with the lady, and asked for her hand in marriage. The proposal took the secretary by surprise and she was thinking of how to turn him down politely without jeopardising the bank's business relationship.

So she told the king that she would only marry him if he fulfilled three conditions. The king readily agreed. The secretary named her first condition. She would only marry him if he could give her a 75-carat diamond ring with matching 200 carat tiara.

The king thought for a while and said finally, "No problem! I have, I have".

One down, the lady thought up something more complex. "My second condition is that you must build me a 200 room mansion in the best district of New York City and for my holiday home, a chateau in the middle of the best wine country in France."

The king whipped out his cellular phone and after a lengthy conversation with his broker in New York, he said triumphantly, "OK, I build, I build".

Realising that she was down to her last defence, the lady thought hard. Finally, she smiled to herself thinking that her third condition was the best yet.

Surely the king could not possibly fulfil this one. "Well," she said, "You know, I love sex, so the man I marry MUST have a 14-inch long penis."

The king was silent and thoughtful for a long time, burying his face in his hands. Finally, he shook his head, and in a rather sad, resigned voice said, "OK, OK, I cut, I cut".

 

[steve50]

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be 'the one',


but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit,


a French maids outfit and a police woman's uniform, he's finally decided
that if she can't hold down a job, she's probably not for him.

 

[steve50]

: FW: BRITISH HUMOUR:

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[TD="width: 100%"]The train was quite crowded and a U.S. Marine walked the entire
length looking for a seat,
But the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular,
'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was
under that dog.

'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired ......'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, ----ed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour!
'This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up,'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
'You hold the fork in the wrong hand.
'You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.
'And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.'


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[steve50]

It's OK to make jokes about Catholics, Southerners (especially Red Necks), the Pope, Jews, the Irish, the Italians, the Polish, etc, etc, but its insensitive to make jokes about Muslims.

The sooner we are all on the same level playing field the better.

Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims:

1. If you refine heroin for a living,
but you have a moral objection to liquor,
You may be a Muslim.

2. If you own a £3,000 machine gun and £5,000 rocket launcher,
but you can't afford shoes,
You may be a Muslim.

3. If you have more wives than teeth,
You may be a Muslim.

4. If you wipe your bum with your bare hand
but consider bacon to be unclean,
You may be a Muslim.

5. If you think vests come in two styles:
Bullet-proof and suicide.
You may be a Muslim

6. If you can't think of anyone
you haven't declared jihad against,
You may be a Muslim.

7. If you consider television dangerous
but routinely carry explosives in your clothing,
You may be a Muslim.

8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones
have uses other than setting off roadside bombs,
You may be a Muslim.

9. If you have nothing against women
and think every man should own at least four,
You may be a Muslim.

10. If you find this offensive or racist and don't forward it,
You may be a Muslim.







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