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Ever since it started snowing, all my wife has done is stare through the window. If it gets any worse I'm gonna have to let her in.
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The wife said to me last night ''If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it up the arse." Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.
 
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pirate

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I dated twins once...
My mate asked me "isn't it difficult telling them apart?"

I replied "No..not really...
Sally's got massive breasts and long blond hair...



and Derek's got a moustache!"
 

littlespark

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Did you know an apple pie in Barbados costs the same as 3 steak and kidney pies from St Lucia. ?
One steak and kidney is the same as 2 pork pies from Trinidad & Tobago.

That, ladies and gents, is the Pie-rates of the Caribbean.
 

littlespark

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If you thought my last joke was bad... (see above..... not one "like"?)

Did you know that the ships of the Danish, Norwegian, Finnish, Swedish and Icelandic armed forces have bar codes painted on the sides?

That's so when they sail into port, they can scandanavian.




Oh look.... tumbleweed!
 

littlespark

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What’s the difference between snowmen and snow women?
 

littlespark

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Is nobody reading these jokes?
Another one from me.


“Where can you see yourself this time next year?”

“I don’t know, i don’t have 2020 vision”
 

littlespark

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Did you know. Before they were famous, the Proclaimers were gardeners?

Craig and Charlie Reid had a great little business going until one faithful day when their grass cutter packed in.

They traveled all over Scotland looking for a new one, but alas....

Lochaber no mower
Sutherland no mower
Lewis no mower
Skye no mower......

Bathgate no mower
Linwood no mower
Methil no mower
Irvine no mower.....
 

littlespark

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Oh, the grand old duke of york
He had ten thousand men...
He even had some women too
But he can’t remember them...
 

littlespark

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BREAKING NEWS
Police in Bradford last night pulled over a local lad and were amazed to find the car was taxed, MOTed and insured.
It wasn't stolen, and there was no stolen goods or drugs found in the vehicle.
The driver was sober, had a full licence and no points.

A West Yorkshire police spokesman said they had no option but to fine him £80 for wasting police time.
 

littlespark

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A man goes to a funeral wake and approaches the widow of the newly deceased.

“May I say a word” he asks
“Of course” says the woman.

The man clears his throat and says “Bargain!”

“Thank you so much” says the widow....
”That means a great deal”
 

pirate

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#2526 = snowballs...
I guess folks forget about this thread, and the off-topic one, and only dip in at stupid times like, erm...03:17!
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So, littlespark, as a fellow Scot:

Police announced yesterday that they had discovered a massive drugs stash behind the library in Larkhall...

Local residents were stunned...they didn't know they had a library!

(somehow, i think I may have repeated this one:angry:)

A Scotsman an Englishman and an Irishman went into a pub...
The barman said "FFS, is this some kind of joke?"
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Apparently. some workers at an Amazon warehouse have coronavirus...

You too can get it on Prime tomorrow if you order within the next 3 hours 17 minutes...
 
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littlespark

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Can’t sleep, @pirate ?

Biggest joke this week is the panic buying of anti bac gel and toilet roll....
the spread of idiocy is outrunning the spread of Corona 10/1
Since when was sh*tting yourself a symptom?
experts telling you on tv how to wash your hands. Been doing it wrong 40 odd years.

And the biggest joke of last week. The Uk have entered the Eurovision Song Contest again.
 

littlespark

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A guy goes to the doctors....
“Doctor doctor, I keep on singing old songs from the likes of Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra”
“Oh dear” said the doctor “I’m afraid you have the crooner virus!”

sorry.

On a more serious note, John Travolta has been admitted to hospital suffering from flu like symptoms.
His doctor assures us it’s only Saturday Night Fever
 

littlespark

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North Yorkshire police are baffled after all the road signs were stolen.
They have nothing to go on and they’re still looking for Leeds
 
A drunk fell out of the second story window. He landed on the sidewalk with a thud.

A man came running up to him and asked, "What happened?"

The drunk commented, "I don't know. I just got here."

MISSING NOVA SCOTIAN WIFE



The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy, Nova Scotia , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. "We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said,

"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."

The second Mountie said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay." "Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 6 twenty-five pound snow crabs and 12 good-size lobsters clinging to her."

Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news???"

The Mountie answered, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

Got an e-mail headed "Knock knock"














When I opened it the writer said he was a Jehovah's Witness working from home...


a guy pulled up in the parking lot of Home Depot and told his wife, "Theres something wrong under the car. I'm going to look"
It was a hot day and he was wearing shorts. When his wife came out of the store he was still under the car and his balls were hanging out of his shorts. She reached down and tucked his balls back into his shorts so he wouldnt be embarrassed. There was a loud thunk under the car and her husband walked up behind her and said, "I got a real mechanic to look at it."
 
The farmer tells his daughter:
"A guy is coming to inseminate one of the cows in about an hour, but I have to go to the bank and pay some bills. I need you to show him which cow."

daughter: "but we have like a million cows, I don't know which one..."

farmer: "No problem, I hammered a big nail on the corral gate so you'll know which cow is the right one.:

daughter: "Oh, okay!"

An hour later the guy shows up.
the guy: "I'm here to inseminate your cow."

daughter: "follow me, I'll show you which one."

They walk thru the barn, and the daughter spies the nail.

daughter: "This is the one right here!"

guy: "so, how do you this is the right cow?"

daughter: "--this nail right here."

guy: "so what's the nail for?"

daughter" "I guess it's to hang your pants on, can I watch?"

*****************************************************************


Little Johnny missed school one day. Next day teacher asked where he was, and he replied "I had to take the cow to the bull." Teacher asked "Couldn't your daddy have done that?" To which Johnny replies, "Maybe , but not as good as the bull did."
 
Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living.
"I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder.
"Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.
"Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man.
Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist."
"A what?" asked the builder.
"Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens."
"Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?"
"A pond" the builder replied.
"Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house."
"I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly.
"Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..."
The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children."
"Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life."
"Five nights a week!" the builder boasted.
The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often."
"Never!" the builder exclaimed.
"Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!"
The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents. On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?"
"Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist."
"A what?" the puzzled second builder asked.
"Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
"No" replied his mate.
"Well, you're a wa nker then!"
 

littlespark

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Arms
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Not sure if this belongs here or on another thread.... but spot the mistake....

AFE86343-DB61-441F-9486-4E99B10AC99F.jpeg
 

123

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Aint going to argue over 250ml, brains gone by then.
I'd say so, as 4 750ml bottles would be 3L
 

littlespark

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This is very local joke from where I’m from.

B0BADB1B-3947-4AE4-B2BE-A5F1AB4221D4.jpeg
 
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