D
dan86
just tried to plug my phone charger in with the light off.
got the wrong hole and Siri was like "STOP, I don't do that!"
got the wrong hole and Siri was like "STOP, I don't do that!"
S
specs
A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together on a date. When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one hand and says to her, "How about a blowjob?"
"What! Are you crazy!"
"Don't worry, it will be quick," he ensures his girlfriend.
"No! Someone might see us..."
"It's just a small blowjob," he insists, "and I know you like it."
"No! I said no!"
"Baby... don't be like that."
Suddenly, the girl's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown, with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks, "Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he'll come downstairs and blow the guy himself... but for God's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom."
"What! Are you crazy!"
"Don't worry, it will be quick," he ensures his girlfriend.
"No! Someone might see us..."
"It's just a small blowjob," he insists, "and I know you like it."
"No! I said no!"
"Baby... don't be like that."
Suddenly, the girl's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown, with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks, "Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he'll come downstairs and blow the guy himself... but for God's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom."
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specs
A elderly couple are sitting on their porch in their rocking chairs, watching the world go by when suddenly the old lady reaches over and smacks her husband upside the head so hard he falls out of his chair onto the porch.
He slowly stands back up, rubbing his back. "What the hell was that for?" he asks.
"For 47 years of terrible sex," comes the answer. The old man stares at his wife for a moment, then shakes his head and slowly climbing back into his chair to resume his rocking.
A few minutes later, the old man's arm suddenly shoots out, smacking the old lady so hard she tumbles out of the chair and all the way down the porch steps.
"And just what the hell what was THAT for?" she demands.
"For knowing the difference."
He slowly stands back up, rubbing his back. "What the hell was that for?" he asks.
"For 47 years of terrible sex," comes the answer. The old man stares at his wife for a moment, then shakes his head and slowly climbing back into his chair to resume his rocking.
A few minutes later, the old man's arm suddenly shoots out, smacking the old lady so hard she tumbles out of the chair and all the way down the porch steps.
"And just what the hell what was THAT for?" she demands.
"For knowing the difference."
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specs
This guy gets stopped by the police for speeding...
The cop asks him why he was going so fast.
The guy replies: "Well, officer, I just killed my wife and have the body in the trunk and the gun in the glove box. I'm on my way to get rid of them."
The officer is dumbfounded at this confession. He get the guy out of the car and handcuffs him. He then calls his Captain for backup.
The Captain arrives and asks the driver for permission to search the car.
Once permission is granted they open the glove box: no gun.
They then open the trunk: no body.
The Captain goes and talks to the driver and says: "The officer said you had a gun in the glove box and a body in the trunk, but we didn't find these things."
The driver replies: "I suppose that lying B******* told you I was speeding, too."
The cop asks him why he was going so fast.
The guy replies: "Well, officer, I just killed my wife and have the body in the trunk and the gun in the glove box. I'm on my way to get rid of them."
The officer is dumbfounded at this confession. He get the guy out of the car and handcuffs him. He then calls his Captain for backup.
The Captain arrives and asks the driver for permission to search the car.
Once permission is granted they open the glove box: no gun.
They then open the trunk: no body.
The Captain goes and talks to the driver and says: "The officer said you had a gun in the glove box and a body in the trunk, but we didn't find these things."
The driver replies: "I suppose that lying B******* told you I was speeding, too."
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specs
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:
"Marion .... Marion"
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep, and then, the next day it starts all over again!
"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"
"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in South Carolina
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:
"Marion .... Marion"
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep, and then, the next day it starts all over again!
"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"
"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in South Carolina
D
dan86
D
dan86
I just got a phone call from a representative from Google.
"We're campaigning to get people to sign an on-line petition supporting our company tax arrangements in light of the government's plans for an investigation."
"You can bugger off," I told him. "It's the law abiding tax payer like me who suffers because of morons like Google. You're getting no support from me!"
There was a pause before he added, "We know your browsing history."
"It's about time somebody stood up to the Government. I'm logging in as we speak."
"We're campaigning to get people to sign an on-line petition supporting our company tax arrangements in light of the government's plans for an investigation."
"You can bugger off," I told him. "It's the law abiding tax payer like me who suffers because of morons like Google. You're getting no support from me!"
There was a pause before he added, "We know your browsing history."
"It's about time somebody stood up to the Government. I'm logging in as we speak."
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specs
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
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specs
A bloke goes to the supermarket and notice a very attractive woman waving at him.
She says, 'Hello.'
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.
So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your girlfriend whipped my bum with wet celery?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher
She says, 'Hello.'
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.
So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your girlfriend whipped my bum with wet celery?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher
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specs
A guy successfully picks up a woman during a night out and brings her home for some casual sex. By the time they get to his apartment, they're both unbelievably horny. The front door has barely shut before they start making passionate love, stripping each others' clothes off on the way to the bedroom. They get to the bed, and not wanting to disappoint, he gives her his best. With each thrust, he notices her toes are curling. Proudly, he thinks, "I must really be getting her off!" They finish, and eventually go to sleep. In the morning, they decide to have another go in the shower. He's giving it to her even harder than he did the night before, but he can't seem to get the same toe-curling reaction.
They both climax, and afterwards, while they're getting dressed, he asks her, "Last night, when we made love, you seemed more into it than you did this morning. Did I do something wrong?"
"No," she said. "You were great! Why do you ask?"
"Well, I noticed that last night your toes were curling, and this morning they weren't."
"That's because I wasn't wearing my pantyhose this time."
They both climax, and afterwards, while they're getting dressed, he asks her, "Last night, when we made love, you seemed more into it than you did this morning. Did I do something wrong?"
"No," she said. "You were great! Why do you ask?"
"Well, I noticed that last night your toes were curling, and this morning they weren't."
"That's because I wasn't wearing my pantyhose this time."
S
Silly Sausage
BBC News - Man calls Solihull police to complain about prostitute's looks
How do you make a hormone ?
Don't pay her.
Back in the seventies when we were short of cash I sent my wife out on the streets.
She came back with £14.25.
I said, "Which tight sod gave you 25p?"
She said "All of them"
How do you make a hormone ?
Don't pay her.
Back in the seventies when we were short of cash I sent my wife out on the streets.
She came back with £14.25.
I said, "Which tight sod gave you 25p?"
She said "All of them"
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specs
Sorry mate, they come as they come, some people like and some don't, you can't please everyone.
S
Silly Sausage
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specs
not usually my type of joke, but I thought this was good because it was short and to the point, and made me laugh thinking about it. good one mate.
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specs
I know,Three guys, a Canadian, an Iraqi and an Israeli are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie. The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'FOOM' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.That's the worst joke ever!
The Iraqi was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Iraq, so that no infidels, Christians or Jews, can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Iraq.
Izzy Goldberg, the Israeli asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out." Izzy says, "Fill it up with water"
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