A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

A teacher was talking about science to her 3rd grade students.'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she said. A little girl raised her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered,' she volunteered.The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.'Well,' she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty. The Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start, and before we knew it he jumped over the fence into our yard.'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back real High and went 'Fffff! Fffff! Fffff!... And before he could say 'F***!' the Rottweiler ate him.

 

[specs]

A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents.

He has a bad case of gas and really needs to releive some pressure.

Luckly, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it.

He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there."

The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down.

This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he craps on you."

 

[steve50]

lady says to her doctor:

"My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?"

The doctor replies:
...
"Give him an opportunity to speak when he's awake!"

 

[specs]

FEMALE VERSION OF THE LORDS PRAYER: .......................
My Vibrator

Which Brings Me Heaven

Rabbit Be Thy Name

You Make Me ---

You Bring Such Fun

On Earth

Or Is It Heaven?

Give Me This Day My Daily Thrill

And Forgive Me My Screams As I Forgive Those Who Sold Me Dud Batteries!

Lead Me Straight Into Temptation

Deliver Me From Frustration!

For Thine Is The Vibration

The Power And Rotation!

For Ever And Ever

NO MEN

 

[specs]

Late Night Phone Call To The Vet

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbor`s male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,

"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"Just worked on me," he replied

 

[specs]

An elderly British gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At the immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to find his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, Monsieur?" the immigration officer asked sarcastically.

"Yes I have" replied the elderly gentleman.

"Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready".

The British gentleman says "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it".

"Impossible. British always have to show their passports on arrival in France".

The elderly gentleman gives the officer a long hard look then says "Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day in June 1944, and I couldn't find a single ****ing Frenchman to show it to".

 

[specs]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their
Tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look
Towards sky, what you see? '
'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking,
It tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter
Past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?'
"You dumber than buffalo ****. It means someone stole the tent."

 

[specs]

Quick jokes:
Q. what do you call one mexican on the moon ?
A. a problem
Q. what do you call all the mexicans on the moon?
A. A problem solved

Long jokes:
A blonde a red head and a brunette all died and are on the stairway to heaven

God tells them that there one hundred steps to heaven and each step they will be told a joke.

And if they make no facial expression on all one hundred steps then they may enter.

the brunette goes first she makes it 3 steps

the red head is better and makes it 50 steps

the blonde is the best at it and is on the ninty ninth step when she bursts out laughing.

god asks her why she could make it one more step and she replies
i just got the first one

 

[Richard Burns]

What game can you play with a wombat?


















WOM!

 

[specs]

A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette . They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.. Hallelujah!

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body-cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, ... circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

 

[dan86]

My parents were upset when I brought home my black girlfriend.
They've got really old-fashioned beliefs.
They think I should stay faithful to my wife.

 

[dan86]

Just walked in on my gran talking to an envelope.
Her attempt at sending a voice mail.

 

[specs]

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get that?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, (she is after all over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a camel

 

[shagbite]

i'm guessing camel.

 

[specs]

i'm guessing camel.

, thanks for letting me know, now corrected, cheers

 

[specs]

A man was prescribed ------ by his doctor who told him to take it one hour before sex.

The man collected his prescription and went home to wait for his wife to get in from work. An hour before she was due home, he took the ------ pill. But just as he was expecting her, she phoned to say that she wouldn't be in for another two and a half hours. In a panic, he phoned the doctor.

"What should I do?" he asked. "I've taken the pill, but the effects will have worn off by the time my wife gets home."

"I see," said the doctor. "It is a pity to waste it. Do yoiu have a maid?"

"Yes."

"Well, could you not occupy yourself with her instead?"

"But I don't need ------ with the maid."

 

[specs]

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates where St.Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph."
Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"
St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"
"Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."
"Never," said Ralph.
"Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no big deal."
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, "Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're ****ting in the bed!

 

[tidyboiler]

Well....................... says it all really!

 

[telectrix]

View attachment 19681


Well....................... says it all really!

that looks like a typical day in a geordie office.

 

[specs]

So there was this professional assassin who charged $1000 a bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $1000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, we'll I've got $2000 here. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now."

"Let's go," the assassin says.

So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.

"They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and also...I want you to blow his dick off."

The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.

"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks.

"Hold on a couple of minutes. I think I can save you $1000."