A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car

 

[Geordie Spark]

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car

Eddie Cochran - Twenty Flight Rock - YouTube

 

[specs]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.

He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his baby face!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.

He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.

How can I possibly repay you?"

My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

 

[specs]

Two guys met in the middle of the desert. One was carrying a car door, the other an umbrella. The one with the car door said to the guy with the umbrella, "Why are you carrying that umbrella around, it isn't going to rain in the desert?" To which the guy with the umbrella replies, "Yeah”, but it keeps me out of the sun! By the way, why are you carrying around that car door, you don’t even have a car to go with it” The guy with the car door says, "yeah, well at least if I get too hot from the sun I can just roll down the window!"

 

[specs]

Where's specs gone. See he hasn't posted in over three weeks!

I bet your sorry you asked now.:smilewinkgrin:

 

[telectrix]

not a sorry as some of your jokes. :smilielol5:

 

[dan86]

For a couple years I 've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes

My fave so far

 

[specs]

Two bears were sitting at the side of the river near Ottawa ..
The smaller bear turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.
We're the same age; we were the same size as cubs.
I just don't get it.'
'Well,' said the big Bear, 'what have you been eating?'
'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Bear.
'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'
'Down near the parking lot by the Parliament Buildings.'
'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?'
'Well, I hide under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door.
Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the $hit out of them and eat 'em!'
'Ah!' says the big Bear, 'I think I see your problem.
You're not getting any real nourishment.
See, by the time you finish shaking the $hit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an a$$hole and a briefcase.

 

[specs]

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Im Jane she said

"I'm Christopher," he replied "but everyone calls me Dick for short"

"How do you get Dick from Christopher?" she asked

"You just ask nicely" he replied

 

[specs]

A general store hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

"I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely.

The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which, of course, happens to be located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view.

As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction. Right away, another guy asks for raisin bread and, then, each guy in turn is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.

After more than a few trips, the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.

"Is yours raisin too?" She yells testily.

"No," croaks the old man feebly, "But it's starting to twitch."

 

[specs]

*Warning about e-Bay* *
Be careful what you buy on eBay.

If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully.

A friend has just spent $ 195 plus sales tax on a penis enlarger.

ba$tard$ sent him a magnifying glass.

The only instruction said, "Do not use in sunlight."*

 

[Geordie Spark]

 

[specs]

The middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.

The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.

She texted:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:

I'm on the toilet. Please advise

 

[Geordie Spark]

 

[Silly Sausage]

The middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.

The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.

She texted:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:

............................................. or

I'm engaged in a bit of onanism, please advise.

 

[Silly Sausage]

Teacher asks the kids in class "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Billy says "I wanna be a billionaire, have a beautiful bitch on my arm, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel the world, a 200 ft yacht, an infinite visa card and I wanna screw her 3 times a day..."
The teacher in shock ignores the boy and turns to little Nancy and asks " What about you dear?"
"I wanna be Billy's bitch.

 

[Silly Sausage]

Paddy & Mick flew to Canada for an adventure.
They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.

They managed to shoot 6. Loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power
the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

Miraculously, surrounded by moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

Climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

 

[Silly Sausage]

Two Irish nuns sat at traffic lights in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside.

"Oi, get your clothes off, you penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross". So Sister Immaculata winds down her window and shouts,
"Peess off you little barstewards, before I come over there and rip your head off"!

Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks "Was that cross enough"?

 

[specs]

The banker saw his old friend Harry, an eighty-year-old rancher, in town one day. Harry had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying again.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Harry if the rumor was true. Harry assured him that it was.

The banker then asked Harry the age of his new bride to be.

Harry proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in this December."

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.

Wanting his old friend's later years to be happy ones, the banker tactfully suggested that Harry should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Harry thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Harry in town again.

"How's the new wife?" asked the banker.

Harry proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advise had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Harry said, "She's pregnant too!"

 

[specs]

WORDS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:


1. Innovative


2. Preliminary


3. Proliferation


4. Cinnamon





WORDS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:


1. Specificity


2. Anti-constitutionalistically


3. Passive-aggressive disorder


4. Transubstantiate





WORDS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:


1. No thanks, I'm married.


2. Nope, no more booze for me!


3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.


4. No thanks, I'm not hungry.


5. I'm not interested in fighting you.


6. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance. I have no coordination


and would hate to look like a real Fool!


7. Oh no, I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning