A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."

 

[specs]

Please note any repeats in my posts are intentional and not because I can't remember what I have already posted. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it

 

[ian.settle1]

Please note any repeats in my posts are intentional and not because I can't remember what I have already posted. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it

First sign of alze........ What was it I was going to say now

 

[specs]

Please note any repeats in my posts are intentional and not because I can't remember what I have already posted. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it

 

[specs]

Please note any repeats in my posts are intentional and not because I can't remember what I have already posted. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it

I was going to say that

 

[Geordie Spark]

Grannies & Granddads. Ever wondered what the difference between Grannies and Granddads is? A 5 year old granddaughter is usually taken to school, daily, by her grandfather. One day when he had a bad cold, Granny took the little girl to school. That night the little girl told her parents that the ride to school with granny was very different than with granddad !! "What made it different?" asked her parents: "Well Granny and I didn't see a single ----er, blind *******, ********, Asian ----- or ****** anywhere on the way to school today!'

 

[tidyboiler]

 

[specs]

A priest and a rabbi were having lunch and the priest asked, "Have you ever strayed from not eating pork?" The rabbi said, "Well, once, but there was absolutely nothing else to eat, so I had a ham sandwich."

Then the rabbi asked the priest, "Did you ever stray from your vow of celibacy?" The priest said, "Yes, just once."

And the rabbi said, "Sure beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

 

[specs]

An old man is driving along the road humming to himself. Suddenly he hears a police siren and a motorcycle cop pulls him over. He can't imagine what could be wrong.

"Sir, do you realize that you left your wife behind in the gas station?"

"I did? I am so relieved."

"You're relieved you drove off without your wife?"

The gent nods.

"But didn't you sense something was wrong?"

"Yes, I thought I'd gone deaf."

 

[dan86]

right, not sure if i've done it right, but i've just done a search for this thread to see how many posts specs has made. it's telling me 500. the man definitely deserves a badge for his efforts!

 

[specs]

A priest goes to a hairdressing salon, has a haircut, thanks the hairdresser and asks him how much he owes. The hairdresser replies, "Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth, I just couldn't charge you anything, it's on the house."

The priest is most grateful and says, "Thank you, my son" and leaves. When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by magic, he finds 12 gold coins on his doorstep.

Some days later, a Buddhist monk goes to the same hairdressing salon for a shave and a wax. When he goes to pay, the hairdresser says, "You dont have to give me any money, you're a spiritual leader, a man of the people, I just couldn't charge you anything, it's on the house."

The monk bows, shakes his hand and thanks him. When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by magic, he finds 12 rubies on his doorstep.

The following week a Rabbi goes into the hairdressing salon to have a haircut and a beard trim. When he goes to pay, the hairdresser says, "No, Rabbi, I couldnt ask you to pay anything, its on the house, you are a learned and wise man, go in peace."

The Rabbi blesses him and leaves. When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by magic, he finds 12 Rabbis on his doorstep

 

[telectrix]

ethel, a 75 year old widow considered that she had nothing left to live for, so decided to shoot herself with the dead husband's WWII revolver. not wanting to have any pain, she asked a neighbour what would be the least painful way. her neighbour told her to go for the heart. point the muzzle of the gun just under your left breast and pull the trigger.


2 hours later, ethel was rushed to A&E with a bullet wound to her left knee.

 

[dan86]

Tom Daley has admitted he's bisexual and in a relationship with a man.

I'm stunned.

I thought he was just gay.

 

[Badged01]

I thought he was just gay.

That was just a nasty rumour spread to discredit him .... he likes to bat for both sides!

 

[telectrix]

so he's definitely not as muff diver, then.

 

[steve50]

Donald & Daisy


Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.










So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"

"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"















You smiled ...... I saw you!!.......

 

[specs]

so he's definitely not as muff diver, then.

I've just noticed you have 30,444 post and been thanked 4,016 times , how the hell do you get away with spending that much time on the pc. My misses is in my ear and looking over my shoulder every 20 clicks of the keypad. My only hope in catching up is for me to throw her out, oh well, I guess I will just have to miss her at meal times.

 

[specs]

PS, did that count as a post for you, cos it didn't me But gave you a like anyway,cos your a mate

 

[telectrix]

haha. i'm on pc when 'er indoors is on the soaps or faceache. also in the day if no work on, or doing certs. etc.

 

[telectrix]

just had to post this in this thread.......


Monty Python - The Funniest Joke In The World - YouTube