A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[shanky887614]

none, ill get the gardener

 

[tomfj]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really ****ed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scales.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

 

[Kamikaze]

In the glory days of the British Empire, a new CO was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said,"You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man. He's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned. The new CO was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man and only about four feet tall, with a weepy eye and drool coming from the corner of his mouth.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst , joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and boxed in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of..."

The colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind all that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file.
Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to f### off."

 

[steve50]

Oo and oO..

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope. The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in Court Monday Morning." On Monday, The Judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend." ? "Well, Your Honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people,? That's wonderful. How did you do it." ? "I used a diagram, Your Honour. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do." ? "Well, Your Honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "Wow," ! says the judge. "156 people, ! How did you manage to do that." ? "Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says.

"I drew two circles like This, o 0 Then I pointed to the Small Circle and said, ''This is your ------- before going to Prison."

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[camerabloke]

 

[camerabloke]

 

[Pete999]

That's rude you ought to be ashamed of yourself putting something like this on the forum:behead::jester::rockon::rockon:

 

[dan86]

Chelsea agree £32 million Costa deal.

For that they got a skinny Latte and a packet of two shortbread fingers.

 

[dan86]

People are saying that Jeremy Clarkson is 'untouchable' at the BBC.

Of course he is.

He's the wrong sex and about 40 years too old.

 

[dan86]

I see Sony has invented a new cassette tape that can hold 47 million songs.

The first demonstration is scheduled for 2019, when it finishes rewinding.

 

[shanky887614]

you cant say im not thick skinned enough and to grow a pair.

look at this beauty ive just pulled off me foot

 

[dan86]

that's bloody gross!

 

[shanky887614]

that's bloody gross!

lol its the pic that makes it yellow, thats a blister that didnt pop

 

[specs]

:sailor:

lol its the pic that makes it yellow, thats a blister that didnt pop

This thread is getting worse, maybe its time for my return. I will ponder on it.

 

[Kamikaze]

Specs we need you mate. Hit us with some beauties!

 

[specs]

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"

 

[specs]

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double wide).

So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his cousin...er wife, didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.

The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is gonna help me."

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion.

The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . " at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand....

(Also works in Mississippi, Arkansas, Tennessee and parts of Kentucky).

 

[specs]

The Englishman's, Irishman's and Scotsman's wives go shopping one day to a big department store. While they are there a fire breaks out. Everyone in the store is killed, including the three women. Their husbands are summoned to the local police station where a policewoman breaks the news to them: "I'm afraid sirs, that we believe your wives were killed in the fire at the department store. However the fire was so intense we cannot identify the bodies. Only their handbags survived the blaze. Can you identify your wives' handbags from these three found in the store?"
The three men all look at the handbags and each one is able to identify one of the handbags as belonging to his wife. With all handbags accounted for the policewoman leaves the men to deal with their grief in peace. The three men sit in silence for a while, then the Englishman opens his wife's handbag and rummages through the contents, finally pulling out a half-empty packet of cigarettes and says "All these years married and I never knew the old girl smoked."
The Scotsman looks into his wife's handbag and pulls out a half-empty bottle of scotch. "Jings, I knew her all that time an ah didnae ken ma missus drank."
The Irishman empties his wife's handbag onto the floor, looks through the contents and picks up a half empty packet of condoms. "'Saints preserve us! All dese years an oi never knew me wife was a man."

 

[specs]

IN MY OPINION A SPACE IS SO IMPORTANT TO ONE'S WELFARE AND LOTS OF OTHER THINGS


The Importance of a space!





A secretary got an expensive pen as a gift from her boss.
She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email.
The bosses wife read the email and filed for divorce.

The email says:

"Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night. It has extra ordinary smooth flow, and a firm stroke. Initially its tip had to be licked to bring it to working order. I loved its perfect size and grip. Felt like I was in heaven when using it. I've always desired it and you fulfilled my wish. Thanks a lot"

Moral: A "space" is an essential part in English

 

[specs]

Subject:

Fw: Fwd: Women can now feel safe

























































What a brilliant idea this is. At least women can feel safe now.







With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded car parks, especially during evening hours,













Cardiff City Council has established a "Women Only" car park at the new



St David’s Shopping Centre.













Even the attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons.















Below is the first picture available of this world-first women-only car park in Wales ..























Description: cid:B29167B7911B4511AC9960EA9DDC606C@AcerPC