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Please checkout the new poll we will be pushing hard, and want some good stories to come out of this
result are public - you can change your vote over time, which might genuinely be the case from time to time.
Search the forum,
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heres 4 images of her shot in different locations:
she`s clearly made an effort to dress sensibly in pic 2 but apart from that....
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There's a very good reason why she's facing backwards...
Yep, chicks with d1cks. Almost got this forum closed down a couple of years ago, just ask Kamikaze :rofl: It was worth the ban though Kam.
Kam, lets have a picture thread in the xmas week when we are all off work. Might have to put it in the Arms? Both of us entertaining the forum with our daft sense of humor. Up for it mate???
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Discuss A new jokes thread for your amusement. in the Electricians Chat - Off Topic Chat area at ElectriciansForums.net
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dan86
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dan86
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specs
A man goes into a bar and orders 12 shots of tequila. The bartender looks on as the guy downs one after another.
As he slams the 10th one, the bartender says, "I don't think you should be drinking those so fast."
"You would if you had what I have," the man says, throwing back number 11.
"Well, what is it you have?"
The man throws back his last shot and says, "Fifty Pence "
As he slams the 10th one, the bartender says, "I don't think you should be drinking those so fast."
"You would if you had what I have," the man says, throwing back number 11.
"Well, what is it you have?"
The man throws back his last shot and says, "Fifty Pence "
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specs
Twice a week a Belgian riding a bicycle crossed the German border and he always carried a suitcase filled with sand.
Each time the customs officials searched his suitcase for contraband, but always in vain.
Sometimes they even emptied all the sand out, expecting to find some illegal item.
They racked their brains but never found anything untoward.
It was many years later, long after the Belgian had vanished from the scene, that they learned the truth.
He had been smuggling bicycles
Each time the customs officials searched his suitcase for contraband, but always in vain.
Sometimes they even emptied all the sand out, expecting to find some illegal item.
They racked their brains but never found anything untoward.
It was many years later, long after the Belgian had vanished from the scene, that they learned the truth.
He had been smuggling bicycles
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specs
MOUSE BALLS:
I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face.....This apparently was a real memo sent out by a computer company to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The word is that the engineers literally rolled on the floor!
(Especially note the last couple of sentences.)
Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.
If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse.
Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball
removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the
mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method.
Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls
are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can
result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in mind that a customer without working balls is an unhappy customer
I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face.....This apparently was a real memo sent out by a computer company to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The word is that the engineers literally rolled on the floor!
(Especially note the last couple of sentences.)
Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.
If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse.
Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball
removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the
mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method.
Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls
are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can
result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in mind that a customer without working balls is an unhappy customer
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specs
Ruth drives a big Lexus to her local Lexus dealer and tells him she wants to sell it.
"How much do you want for it?" he asks her.
"Ill be happy with 100,"
The dealer is very suspicious. Well he would be - the car is almost new and is worth at least 40,000. "Im not sure I want to take it,"
"Dont worry," says Ruth, " Theres nothing wrong with the car, as well you know, as you sold it to us only recently. But mine Bernie died two weeks ago and only then did I find out he was having an affair with his secretary. Now, I just attended the reading of his Will and the proceeds from the sale of his car goes to her. So here I am."
"How much do you want for it?" he asks her.
"Ill be happy with 100,"
The dealer is very suspicious. Well he would be - the car is almost new and is worth at least 40,000. "Im not sure I want to take it,"
"Dont worry," says Ruth, " Theres nothing wrong with the car, as well you know, as you sold it to us only recently. But mine Bernie died two weeks ago and only then did I find out he was having an affair with his secretary. Now, I just attended the reading of his Will and the proceeds from the sale of his car goes to her. So here I am."
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specs
An old man walked into a bar and ordered 10 shots of whiskey.
The bartender asked, "What's the matter?"
The old man said, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."
The next day the old same man came in and ordered 12 shots of whiskey.
The bartenders asked, "What's wrong this time?"
The old man said, "I found out that my son is gay."
The next day the same old man came in the bar and ordered 15 shots of whiskey.
Then the bartender asked, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
The man looked up and said, "Apparently my wife does."
The bartender asked, "What's the matter?"
The old man said, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."
The next day the old same man came in and ordered 12 shots of whiskey.
The bartenders asked, "What's wrong this time?"
The old man said, "I found out that my son is gay."
The next day the same old man came in the bar and ordered 15 shots of whiskey.
Then the bartender asked, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
The man looked up and said, "Apparently my wife does."
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specs
Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?"
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says. "
Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.
Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolitan areas. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice said something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city".
The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding. The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all," says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution, map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake. "View recede ten," Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.
"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.
"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs, says the inventor. "But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books," though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake.
"I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger.
"No, you don't understand; it's not ready."
"I'll give you $1000 for it!"
"Oh, no, I've already spent more than -"
"I'll give you $5000 for it!"
"But it's just not -"
"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook. Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it."
Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away. "Hey, wait a minute," calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. "Don't forget your batteries."
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says. "
Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.
Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolitan areas. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice said something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city".
The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding. The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all," says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution, map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake. "View recede ten," Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.
"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.
"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs, says the inventor. "But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books," though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake.
"I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger.
"No, you don't understand; it's not ready."
"I'll give you $1000 for it!"
"Oh, no, I've already spent more than -"
"I'll give you $5000 for it!"
"But it's just not -"
"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook. Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it."
Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away. "Hey, wait a minute," calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. "Don't forget your batteries."
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A man who owned a local grocery store was out delivering orders in his station wagon when he hit and injured a little, old lady. The lady sued and was awarded an amount large enough to drive the man out of business.
After difficult times he managed to accumulate enough to try again. But a few months after opening his doors he struck an old gentleman with his delivery truck. The gentleman sued and collected big damages, enough to ruin the merchant yet again.
On a peaceful Sunday, the grocer was sitting in his living room when his little boy entered and called out, "Father, Father, Mother's been run over by a great big bus."
The grocer's eyes filled with tears, and in a voice trembling with emotion he cried, "Thank the Lord, my luck's changed at last."
After difficult times he managed to accumulate enough to try again. But a few months after opening his doors he struck an old gentleman with his delivery truck. The gentleman sued and collected big damages, enough to ruin the merchant yet again.
On a peaceful Sunday, the grocer was sitting in his living room when his little boy entered and called out, "Father, Father, Mother's been run over by a great big bus."
The grocer's eyes filled with tears, and in a voice trembling with emotion he cried, "Thank the Lord, my luck's changed at last."
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A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .." he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . . .
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .." he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . . .
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
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Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the pope at the Vatican .
After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, "Your Eminence, we have an offer for you.
Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.'"
The pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed."
"Well," says the Nescafe man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million."
"My son, it is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord, and it must not be changed."
The Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer... We will donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.' Please consider it."
And he leaves.
The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.
"There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news. The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million."
"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.
"We're losing the Wonderbread account."
After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, "Your Eminence, we have an offer for you.
Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.'"
The pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed."
"Well," says the Nescafe man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million."
"My son, it is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord, and it must not be changed."
The Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer... We will donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.' Please consider it."
And he leaves.
The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.
"There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news. The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million."
"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.
"We're losing the Wonderbread account."
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specs
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids,and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor The Sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
**To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.**
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.*
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids,and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor The Sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
**To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.**
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.*
- Reaction score
- 5,382
youd be able to count em on one hand Paul....and i`v got visual evidence to prove it...
heres 4 images of her shot in different locations:
she`s clearly made an effort to dress sensibly in pic 2 but apart from that....
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Silly Sausage
Picture two is an affront to public decency.
I saw her at Piccadilly station once, much worse in the flesh.
uke:
I saw her at Piccadilly station once, much worse in the flesh.
uke:
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Silly Sausage
There's a very good reason why she's facing backwards...
- Reaction score
- 5,382
she`d be safe walking the street late at night...Picture two is an affront to public decency.
I saw her at Piccadilly station once, much worse in the flesh.
- Reaction score
- 5,807
The young electricians mate Paddy asked his gaffer for Monday and Tuesday off so he can decorate the spare bedroom for his first child, as his girlfriend is going to drop any time now! Boss man says yes and he will still pay him for the time off.
Friday afternoon the gaffer calls Paddy and asks where the bloody hell he is? Paddy replies:-
“Do you know how hard it is to match up chipwood wallpaper???”
Friday afternoon the gaffer calls Paddy and asks where the bloody hell he is? Paddy replies:-
“Do you know how hard it is to match up chipwood wallpaper???”
- Reaction score
- 5,807
Yep, chicks with d1cks. Almost got this forum closed down a couple of years ago, just ask Kamikaze :rofl: It was worth the ban though Kam.
Kam, lets have a picture thread in the xmas week when we are all off work. Might have to put it in the Arms? Both of us entertaining the forum with our daft sense of humor. Up for it mate???
- Reaction score
- 997
Stamps
A blonde woman goes to the hospital. "What seems to be the problem? asked
the Doctor.
"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa
Rica in my vag!na."
The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said "Those aren't postage stamps my
dear,
they're the sticker's off the bananas"
A blonde woman goes to the hospital. "What seems to be the problem? asked
the Doctor.
"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa
Rica in my vag!na."
The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said "Those aren't postage stamps my
dear,
they're the sticker's off the bananas"
- Reaction score
- 997
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of ----- are there?"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of -----.
In her 20s, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,
"Mum, how many kinds of "willies" are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,
"Well, dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?" "
Yes. The tree is dead, and the balls are just for decoration."
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of -----.
In her 20s, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,
"Mum, how many kinds of "willies" are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,
"Well, dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?" "
Yes. The tree is dead, and the balls are just for decoration."
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dan86
I met an Indian woman with Bulimia once.
Her name was Bingita.
Her name was Bingita.
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AndrewMgan1976
I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my ****ing fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for. And what happens Christmas morning? That fat ****er with a beard gets all the credit!! Still I suppose its my fault for marrying her.
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specs
didn't work shame it was good
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specs
Apologies for being absent, absolutely up to my eyes in it, up early home late , my life is not easy.
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A 40-year-old woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he is still a virgin.
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback.
They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities.
Upon her return to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm going to need all the room I can get."
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback.
They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities.
Upon her return to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm going to need all the room I can get."
OP
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We're in Soviet Russia, it is the early 80's and Vladimir has been hoarding his spare rubles for years and years in order to be able to purchase a car. The big day finally arrives; he's finally saved up enough. He goes to the Ministry of Motor Vehicles and after waiting in line for 5 hours, he is finally face-to-face with a bureaucrat and proudly announces, "I would like to purchase a car!"
The bureaucrat takes Vlad's rubles, counts them, counts them, counts them again. Then he wordlessly throws Vlad a pile of paperwork which Vlad dutifully fills out (in triplicate!) so that they can proceed. The bureaucrat examines all the paperwork, makes Vladimir re-do some of the pages before determining: "I have examined your paperwork and it is sufficient. The rubles you have paid me are sufficient. You can purchase a car. Come back 10 years from today and your car will be ready."
Unfazed, Vlad asks, "Will it be ready in the morning or the afternoon?"
The bureaucrat is stunned... "Morning or afternoon? Morning or afternoon? It's 10 years from today! Why do you care if it's in the morning or afternoon?"
"Well, it's just that the plumber's coming by in the morning..."
The bureaucrat takes Vlad's rubles, counts them, counts them, counts them again. Then he wordlessly throws Vlad a pile of paperwork which Vlad dutifully fills out (in triplicate!) so that they can proceed. The bureaucrat examines all the paperwork, makes Vladimir re-do some of the pages before determining: "I have examined your paperwork and it is sufficient. The rubles you have paid me are sufficient. You can purchase a car. Come back 10 years from today and your car will be ready."
Unfazed, Vlad asks, "Will it be ready in the morning or the afternoon?"
The bureaucrat is stunned... "Morning or afternoon? Morning or afternoon? It's 10 years from today! Why do you care if it's in the morning or afternoon?"
"Well, it's just that the plumber's coming by in the morning..."
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A modern Islamic couple preparing for a religious wedding meet with their Mullah for counseling. The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man says, "We realize it's tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together. "
"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately. "
"So, after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife? "
" No , " answers the Mullah. " It ' s forbidden in Islam . "
"Well, OK," says the man. "What about sex?
Can we finally have sex? "
" Of course ! " replies the Mullah. " AlIaho Akber !
Sex is OK within a marriage to have children ! "
"What about different positions?" asks the man. "AlIaho Akber! No problem," says the Mullah. "Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Sure," says the Mullah. "AlIaho Akber. Go for it!"
"Doggy style?"
"Sure! AlIaho Akber! "
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! AlIaho Akber!"
"Can I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a ****o video?"
" You may, indeed. AlIaho Akber ! "
"Can we do it standing up?"
"No," says the Mullah.
"Why not?" asks the man.
"Because that could lead to dancing."
The man says, "We realize it's tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together. "
"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately. "
"So, after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife? "
" No , " answers the Mullah. " It ' s forbidden in Islam . "
"Well, OK," says the man. "What about sex?
Can we finally have sex? "
" Of course ! " replies the Mullah. " AlIaho Akber !
Sex is OK within a marriage to have children ! "
"What about different positions?" asks the man. "AlIaho Akber! No problem," says the Mullah. "Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Sure," says the Mullah. "AlIaho Akber. Go for it!"
"Doggy style?"
"Sure! AlIaho Akber! "
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! AlIaho Akber!"
"Can I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a ****o video?"
" You may, indeed. AlIaho Akber ! "
"Can we do it standing up?"
"No," says the Mullah.
"Why not?" asks the man.
"Because that could lead to dancing."
- Reaction score
- 2,323
An elderly couple came back from a wedding one afternoon and were in a pretty romantic mood. While sitting on their loveseat, the elderly woman looked at her companion and said, "I remember when you used to kiss me every chance you had."
The old man feeling a bit obliged leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek. Then she said, "I also remember when you used to hold my hand at every opportunity." The old man again feeling obligated reached over and gently placed his hand on hers. The elderly woman then stated, "I also remember when you used to nibble on my neck and send chills down my spine."
This time, the old man had a blank stare on his face and started to get up off the couch. As he began to walk out of the living room, his wife asked, "Was it something I said, where are you going?" The old man looked at her and replied, "I'm going in the other room to get my teeth!"
The old man feeling a bit obliged leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek. Then she said, "I also remember when you used to hold my hand at every opportunity." The old man again feeling obligated reached over and gently placed his hand on hers. The elderly woman then stated, "I also remember when you used to nibble on my neck and send chills down my spine."
This time, the old man had a blank stare on his face and started to get up off the couch. As he began to walk out of the living room, his wife asked, "Was it something I said, where are you going?" The old man looked at her and replied, "I'm going in the other room to get my teeth!"
OP
specs
A guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge (still working), he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal. So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'
The next day someone stole it!
They walk amongst us!
-------------------------------------
One day I was walking down the beach with
Some friends when someone shouted.....
"Look at that dead bird!"
Someone looked up at the sky and said..."Where?"
They walk amongst us!
----------------------------------------------------------
While looking at a house, my brother asked the
Estate agent which direction was north because
he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east,
and has for some time. She shook her head and said,
'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'
They Walk Amongst Us!
--------------------------------------------
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,
when we overheard an administration girl talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said
she "didn't think she'd get sunburned
because the car was moving."
They Walk Amongst Us!
------------------------------------
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
which is designed to cut through a seat belt
if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.
They Walk Amongst Us!
-------------------------------------------------
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and
went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry
because she was a trained professional and
said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)
They Walk Amongst Us!
------------------------------------------------
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and
the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6.
He thought about it for some time
then said "Just cut it into 4 pieces;
I don't think I'm hungry
enough to eat 6 pieces."
They Walk Amongst Us. .............. AND Last But Not The Least.!!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Traffic Camera.
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for
driving without a seat belt!!!
You can't fix stupid.
To get rid of his old fridge (still working), he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal. So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'
The next day someone stole it!
They walk amongst us!
-------------------------------------
One day I was walking down the beach with
Some friends when someone shouted.....
"Look at that dead bird!"
Someone looked up at the sky and said..."Where?"
They walk amongst us!
----------------------------------------------------------
While looking at a house, my brother asked the
Estate agent which direction was north because
he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east,
and has for some time. She shook her head and said,
'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'
They Walk Amongst Us!
--------------------------------------------
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,
when we overheard an administration girl talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said
she "didn't think she'd get sunburned
because the car was moving."
They Walk Amongst Us!
------------------------------------
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
which is designed to cut through a seat belt
if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.
They Walk Amongst Us!
-------------------------------------------------
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and
went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry
because she was a trained professional and
said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)
They Walk Amongst Us!
------------------------------------------------
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and
the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6.
He thought about it for some time
then said "Just cut it into 4 pieces;
I don't think I'm hungry
enough to eat 6 pieces."
They Walk Amongst Us. .............. AND Last But Not The Least.!!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Traffic Camera.
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for
driving without a seat belt!!!
You can't fix stupid.
OP
Silly Sausage
Teacher is asking class have they done their homework and found a use for the word "contagious"
She points to Jenny in the first row."Yes miss. If there is measles about I can stop off school cos it's contagious"
"Very good, Jenny", noticing that Naughty Johnny is waving his arm about at the back. "What about you, Edward"
"OK miss. Leprosy is contagious and all your fingers drop off "
"Well, not sure if that's entirely true but you've got the right idea"
There is only Johhny left so she is obliged to ask wearily"Yes, Johhny, what have you got for us?"
"Please, miss.My dad says we aren't having the same painter to do the house next time because it took the contagious just to do the kitchen...."
She points to Jenny in the first row."Yes miss. If there is measles about I can stop off school cos it's contagious"
"Very good, Jenny", noticing that Naughty Johnny is waving his arm about at the back. "What about you, Edward"
"OK miss. Leprosy is contagious and all your fingers drop off "
"Well, not sure if that's entirely true but you've got the right idea"
There is only Johhny left so she is obliged to ask wearily"Yes, Johhny, what have you got for us?"
"Please, miss.My dad says we aren't having the same painter to do the house next time because it took the contagious just to do the kitchen...."
OP
Silly Sausage
[FONT=Calibri, sans-serif][FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]Guy was feeling a bit lonely, so he decided life would be more fun if He had a pet. So, He went to the pet shop and told the owner that He wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, He finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house.[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive] [/FONT][/FONT]
He took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided He would start off by taking his new pet to the pub to have a drink. So, He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down The Queen's Head with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer. This bothered him a bit, but He waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So,He waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Queen's Head and have a drink with me?"[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive] [/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]A little voice came out of the box...............[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive] [/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]I heard you the first time, I'm putting my f ing shoes on!"[/FONT]
[/FONT]
He took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided He would start off by taking his new pet to the pub to have a drink. So, He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down The Queen's Head with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer. This bothered him a bit, but He waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So,He waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Queen's Head and have a drink with me?"[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive] [/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]A little voice came out of the box...............[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive] [/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]I heard you the first time, I'm putting my f ing shoes on!"[/FONT]
[/FONT]
- Reaction score
- 2,323
The new priest was so nervous at his first mass that he could hardly speak. Beforer his second appearance in the pulpit he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, "next Sunday it may help if you put some vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips, everything should go smoothly." The next Sunday the priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm. He felt great! However, upon returning to the rectory he found a note from the Monsignor:
1. Next time, sip rather than gulp!
2. There are ten commandments, not twelve.
3. there are twelve disciples, not ten.
4. We do not refer to the cross as the Big Y.
5. The recommended grace before meals is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, Thanks for the grub!"
6. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the $hit out of him.
7. Do not refer to our saviour Jesus Christ and his apostles as "J.C. and the boys."
8. The father, son and holy ghost are not referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior and the Spook."
9. It is always the "Virgin Mary", never "Mary with the cherry."
10. Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's."
1. Next time, sip rather than gulp!
2. There are ten commandments, not twelve.
3. there are twelve disciples, not ten.
4. We do not refer to the cross as the Big Y.
5. The recommended grace before meals is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, Thanks for the grub!"
6. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the $hit out of him.
7. Do not refer to our saviour Jesus Christ and his apostles as "J.C. and the boys."
8. The father, son and holy ghost are not referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior and the Spook."
9. It is always the "Virgin Mary", never "Mary with the cherry."
10. Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's."
OP
specs
Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar
And stared up at the TV.
The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story
Of a man on the ledge of a large building
Preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said,
"You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied,
"Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
"You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge
Did a swan dive off the building,
Falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset,
But willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied,
"I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,
So I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied,
"I did, too,
But I didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar
And stared up at the TV.
The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story
Of a man on the ledge of a large building
Preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said,
"You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied,
"Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
"You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge
Did a swan dive off the building,
Falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset,
But willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied,
"I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,
So I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied,
"I did, too,
But I didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money.
OP
specs
This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 4 seconds without proper equipment,whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 6 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for.
At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 4 seconds without proper equipment,whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 6 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for.
At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.
OP
specs
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 1 October 2005
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon, in the private function room at the Grill House.
There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols ........ feel free to sing along!
And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00pm.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
*************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 2 October 2005
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party". The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.
There will be no Christmas tree present, No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
***************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 3 October 2005
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table................. you didn't sign your name.
I'm happy to accommodate this request but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money and executives believe $10 is a little chintzy.
NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty
****************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4 October 2005
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party!
Seriously we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of the year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross-dress, no cross-dressing allowed though.
We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food, we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first.
There will be fresh fruits for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
***************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F***ing Employees
DATE: 5 October 2005
RE: The F***ing Holiday Party
Vegetarian A******s I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f***ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die.
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
**********************
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6 October 2005
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her
In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
TO: All Employees
DATE: 1 October 2005
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon, in the private function room at the Grill House.
There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols ........ feel free to sing along!
And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00pm.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
*************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 2 October 2005
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party". The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.
There will be no Christmas tree present, No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
***************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 3 October 2005
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table................. you didn't sign your name.
I'm happy to accommodate this request but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money and executives believe $10 is a little chintzy.
NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty
****************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4 October 2005
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party!
Seriously we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of the year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross-dress, no cross-dressing allowed though.
We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food, we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first.
There will be fresh fruits for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
***************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F***ing Employees
DATE: 5 October 2005
RE: The F***ing Holiday Party
Vegetarian A******s I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f***ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die.
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
**********************
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6 October 2005
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her
In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
OP
specs
Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And after a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly licks her right butt cheek .
The woman is shocked and has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
"Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed it in action!"
Suddenly a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And after a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly licks her right butt cheek .
The woman is shocked and has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
"Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed it in action!"
OP
specs
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.
Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Richard grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T errors before?'
'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T ... I used to like the little s**t.............
Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Richard grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T errors before?'
'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T ... I used to like the little s**t.............
- Reaction score
- 2,323
An Australian is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes.
The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The Aussie explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any nickers."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing nickers!''
The Aussie smirks, taps his watch and says, "###### thing's running about an hour fast, can I buy you a drink?
The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The Aussie explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any nickers."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing nickers!''
The Aussie smirks, taps his watch and says, "###### thing's running about an hour fast, can I buy you a drink?
- Reaction score
- 2,323
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken." "No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken." "No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."
Reply to A new jokes thread for your amusement. in the Electricians Chat - Off Topic Chat area at ElectriciansForums.net
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