A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

Came home 2am, told the wife I'd been golfing. In the dark? Used my night clubs

 

[specs]

Last night my wife asked me what I was doing on the computer. I replied "Looking for cheap flights" She then said I love you, and made love to me for hours. Strange really. She hasn't shown any interest in darts before.

 

[steve50]

.....

 

[dan86]

"I think David Tennant was the worst doctor of recent times."

"No way, you're wrong."

"Who was then?"

"Definitely Harold Shipman."

 

[dan86]

NOT MEANT TO CAUSE OFFENCE
----------------------------------
Someone mentioned that Rik Mayall had died, so i decided to check for myself.

I spent an hour Googling "Young Ones" and "Bottom", and have been asked to attend my local police station for questioning.

 

[specs]

lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

 

[jaypp]

Got stung by a bee today. £4.50 for a jar of honey!

 

[Guest111]

I was getting it on with this bird and she said "kiss me where it smells" I replied "I'm not going to Widnes at this time of night"

 

[Guest111]

a man walks into the sandwich shop where one of the girls offers hand relief as a sideline,an attractive young lady approaches him,"are you the girl that does the handjobs?" he asks" yes " she replies" well go and wash them I want a ham sandwich."

 

[Guest111]

the wife happened to mention that this year will be our fifteenth wedding anniversary,"ah yes" I replied in a world of my own "if I'd done a murder I'd be getting parole about now"