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Last night my wife asked me what I was doing on the computer. I replied "Looking for cheap flights" She then said I love you, and made love to me for hours. Strange really. She hasn't shown any interest in darts before.
 
..... 10157173_719284268094396_660538943_n.jpg
 
NOT MEANT TO CAUSE OFFENCE
----------------------------------
Someone mentioned that Rik Mayall had died, so i decided to check for myself.

I spent an hour Googling "Young Ones" and "Bottom", and have been asked to attend my local police station for questioning.
 
lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."
 
a man walks into the sandwich shop where one of the girls offers hand relief as a sideline,an attractive young lady approaches him,"are you the girl that does the handjobs?" he asks" yes " she replies" well go and wash them I want a ham sandwich."
 
the wife happened to mention that this year will be our fifteenth wedding anniversary,"ah yes" I replied in a world of my own "if I'd done a murder I'd be getting parole about now"
 
I just cant get excited about a sporting event where a government have spent millions funding it yet people live in squalor and deprivation. Where drugs are rife and life expectation is very low.

But enough of the commonwealth games in Glasgow, the World Cup started today.
 
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a word or two of thanks, she got in the car.

After resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. "What's in the bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. Got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for a moment, and then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, "Good trade."
 
I became confused when I heard the word 'service' used with these agencies:



Banking 'Service'




Postal 'Service'




Telephone 'Service'




Pay TV 'Service'




State & Public 'Service'




Customer 'Service'




Bureaucratic 'Service'




This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.




Then I visited my uncle, he's a farmer, and he hired a bull to 'Service' his cows.




Suddenly WOW! It all became clear. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us!
 
European Union Directive No. 456179

In order to bring about further integration with the single European currency, the Euro, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase “Spending a Penny” is not to be used after 31 December 2014.

From this date onwards, the correct term will be “Euronating”.
 
how many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

only 1, but the lightbulb has to want to change.
 
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed
it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been
there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back
some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or
make you get out of the pond naked. '

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.
 
A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia , the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food every day and I get a free trip to Australia .”

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience then got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."
 
The
Italian Virginity Test

Mario is planning to marry and asks his

family doctor how he could tell if

his Bride-to-be is still a Virgin.










His doctor says ... "Mario, all the Italian men I know

use three things for what we call

a
Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit ~~~

a small can of Red paint,

a small can of Blue paint, and a Shovel."










Mario asks ... "And what do I do with these things, doc?"









The doctor replies ... "Before you climb

into bed on your wedding night,

you paint one of your balls Red and the other ball Blue.







If she says ... 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen !',









...........you hit her with the Shovel.
 
Breaking News :- The England Team visited an Orphanage in Brazil today " Its Heartbreaking to see their sad little faces, filled with desperation and no hope" said Jose aged 6
 
Blondes Mailbox A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!" My stupid computer keeps saying, "You’ve got mail!"
 
A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open. A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, "Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman's right breast is hanging out." As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out. When he gets face to face with her he says, "Ma'am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why, officer?" "Well, your breast is hanging out." She looks down and says "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus!"

source: Dumb Blonde Jokes - Stupid Blonde Jokes
 
Biblical Origin of the Internet

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader called "Abraham of Com" did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And "Dot of Com" was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she had often been called "Amazon Dot Com". And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How might I do that my dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.
Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.
But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete (look it up, it means to hide) himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading.
And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land.
And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others".
And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or as it came to be known 'eBay' he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are".
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators". 'YAHOO!' exclaimed Abraham.
And that is how it all began.
Al Gore had absolutely nothing to do with it.
 
Number 8
Life is sexually transmitted.


Number 7
Good health is merely the slowest possible
rate at which one can die.


Number 6
Men have two emotions:
Hungry and Horny.
Since they can't tell them apart,
When you see a gleam in his eyes,
make him a sandwich.


Number 5
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.
Teach a person to use the Internet
and they won't bother you
for weeks, months, maybe years.


Number 4
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.


Number 3
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.


Number 2
In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird
and people take Prozac to make it normal.


And The Number 1 Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--
What you do today,
might burn your arse tomorrow

... and as someone once said to me:
"Don't worry about old age-- It doesn't last that long."
 
A woman tells her husband that the doctor she went to see tells her she has a nice -----, so the husband says thats not right and approaches the doctor , he tells the husband that his wife has an acute angina!!
 
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200
dead crows near
greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from
Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows,
and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT
Avian Flu ...
The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying
colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and
claws.

By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98%
of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2%
were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if
there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages
of truck kills versus car kills.

He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road
kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn
of impending danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout
"Cah"....





not a single one could shout "Truck."
 
To surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair
 
I was getting nowhere chatting up this very attractive posh-looking bird the other night, so I asked her,

“Do you always give blokes such a hard time? I mean, have you ever slept with anyone before?”

“That's my business!” she snapped back at me.

“Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't realise,” I responded. “How much?”
 
I was at my mate's stag night yesterday, when he and his brother handed me a glass full of yellow, lukewarm liquid.

"Drink it," they said, giggling. It was only when I smelt it that I realised the prank the busturds were trying to pull.

Fosters
 
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic-looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines, but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess, and I take orders from no one.'

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!
 
I originally heard this on a Billy Connoly tape. I have tried to avoid words that are (a) offensive and (b) local and unintelligible.

One day the Russian Circus came to Glasgow. At the end of the show the ringmaster made an announcement of a special act – Ivan the Terrible, a Russian wrestler.
Ivan has two special holds, the Half Pretzel which always causes an immediate submission by the opponent, and the Full Pretzel which breaks his back. So the ringmaster starts his spiel :
“One thousand pounds for anyone who can last three minutes with Ivan the Terrible”
Immediately Wee Hughie hears the amount of money he jumps up without thinking much about the consequences.
“I’ll do it, I’ll do it, I’ll do it” (More like “Ah’ll dae it“ but this is the international version !)
So Wee Hughie gets in the ring and strips down ready to tackle Ivan. The ringmaster brings in Ivan, a huge man, covered in hair and tattooed everywhere. Ivan just grunts and bares his teeth and dribbles. An absolute animal. Wee Hughie stands back in amazement at what he has let himself in for, but then starts to think about the money again (he would, being a Scot).
So the bout starts and pretty soon Big Ivan gets Wee Hughie in the half Pretzel. The crowd gasp……
Then, Ivan gets Hughie’s other arm and the Full Pretzel is on. A terrified hush falls on the crowd…..

Suddenly Big Ivan comes flying off and cracks his head on the edge of the circus ring and falls unconscious. The crowd go absolutely wild.
The ringmaster comes over to congratulate Hughie and give him the money.
“So Hughie, this has never been done before – tell us how you did it.”
“Aye weel, it was like this. He got me in that Pretzel thing and I could just feel the life draining out of my body. Suddenly, I saw it there right in front of me – this huge great Willie. So Ah sinks my teeth right intae it. And you know, it’s amazing the surge of strength you get when you bite your own Willie”
 
I turned to my wife last night and said, "I'm into ----".

She gave me a look of despair and glared at me as she said, "Animal".

I love it when we do the cryptic crossword together
 
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