A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

A guy goes into a restaurant and lounge, his shirt open at the collar, but is stopped by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to get in.

So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a tie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.

He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, okay, I guess you can come in -- just don't start anything."

 

[Silly Sausage]

As it was Yorkshire Day recently...

Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs. Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.

Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"



A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."



A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"



Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

 

[Kate]

You don't know who Roger Moore is?

James Bond a clue

Tel explained it.

Um no still dont know roger moore. Daniel craig, pierce brosnan, sean connery. I guess your saying roger moore was before??

 

[Andy78]

Tel explained it.

Um no still dont know roger moore. Daniel craig, pierce brosnan, sean connery. I guess your saying roger moore was before??

After Sean Connery and before Timothy Dalton. He only played Bond more than any other actor so far.

 

[Kamikaze]

And he used to raise his eyebrows and had this ability to lick them which made him very popular with the ladies for some reason. :wink_smile:

 

[Silly Sausage]

I accused my girlfriend of acting in certain West Coast movies. She denied it, but I could tell she was lying, it was all over her face.

 

[specs]

A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant
said "Can I help you?"

"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".

"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.

"In the park just down the road" she replied.

"Can you describe what happened?"

"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near
the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there,
removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his
way with me".

"Could you give me a description of him?"

"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a
white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees,
one on each leg".

"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.

"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".

“That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked
that out from his accent?"

"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in
for very long".

 

[specs]

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend or deny. He said nothing.

​

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home .... and left it there all night.

(You gotta love Frank!)

 

[specs]

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

 

[hubsy]

Father Goose Story No. 8



There was this troupe of dancers that traveled around
the country dancing in clubs and theaters. They were called
the Steppers. At one club, the Steppers did such a good job
of pulling in patrons that the management gave them all the
drinks they could drink after the show.

Well, they all got plastered and were having a big party.
When it came time to get on their bus to travel to the next town,
they did not want to stop partying, so they just moved the party
to the bus. As they rode down the highway, you could here their
yelling, singing, and laughing for miles.

At a house along that very highway, there lived a family that
had a pet snake. It was a viper, and it's name was Peter. That
night, Peter Viper was asleep in his snake house in the back yard.
Suddenly, he was awakened by a loud racket. It was the bus
carrying the Steppers still having their party. But Peter didn't
know that. In his confusion, he thought he was back in deep dark
Africa being pursued by Pygmies. He slithered out of his snake
house, headed across the yard as fast as he could, and crossed the
highway just in front of the bus. The bus driver, who was a little
sleepy, saw Peter Viper in the road, and mistook him for a giant log.
He swerved, and the bus landed in the ditch, drunk Steppers
lying everywhere.

The next day, the headline in the paper read "Peter Viper
wrecks a truck of pickled Steppers".

 

[telectrix]

after reading that, i'd say there's "norfolk in hope"

 

[specs]

Clinton dies and is on his way to Hell. At the gates he meets the devil who tells Clinton that because Hell is full, hell he replacing one of the current inhabitants. He leads him down a hallway where there are three doors and indicates that hell be given the choice of who he will replace forever in Hell.

The first door opens. Behind it is Newt Gingrich. Hes being worked over with a blowtorch. Clinton cringes, That looks painful. I dont think this is for me!

Door 2 opens. Behind it is Rush Limbaugh. His skin is being stripped off with a pair of pliers. I dont think so, Clinton insists.

Door 3 opens and behind it is Ken Starr. Hes bound hand to foot to a chair and is completely naked. Kneeling before him is Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. I can handle that! Clinton proclaims enthusiastically.

Very well says Satan, Monica, you may go

 

[lfcsparkycus]

specs. I bet your boring to work with!

 

[Kate]

After Sean Connery and before Timothy Dalton. He only played Bond more than any other actor so far.

Oh....im going to IMDB him. Maybe his face is more familiar!!

 

[Kate]

Wow he is old. Hes in his late 80s!!

He looks familiar. Ive only seen maybe the last 4 bond films in full. Never even seen a sean connery one. I know people who like to say 'bond, james bond' in sean connerys accent.

I dont like the james bond films. The character is an arrogant tw4t and I would like to punch him in the face.

 

[dan86]

..lol!

 

[specs]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went to Jerusalem but while they were there, his wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150 or have her shipped home for $5,000."

The man thought about it for a moment and then decided to have his deceased wife shipped home.

"Why spend so much more money to have her sent home when you can just have her buried here in the Holy Land for only $150?"

The man replied, "A long time ago, a man died here, was buried here but arose from the dead three days later. I just can't take that risk."

 

[specs]

Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store. As they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, "wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

the second nun answered, "indeed it would, sister, but i would not feel comfortable buying beer, since i am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand."

"i can handle that without a problem," the other nun replied, and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer. "we use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "back at our convent, we call it catholic shampoo.

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter. Pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer.

He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said: "the curlers are on the house."
-mmt

 

[specs]

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked, Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?

Maria: Well, Seora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze.

The first is that I iron better than you.

Wife: Who said you iron better than me?

Maria: Jor huzban he say so.

Wife: Oh yeah?

Maria: The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.

Wife: Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?

Maria: Jor hozban did

Wife increasingly agitated: Oh he did, did he?

Maria: The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, And did my husband say that as well?

Maria: No Seora The gardener did.

Wife: So how much do you want?

 

[specs]

specs. I bet your boring to work with!

i don't get the time to be boring, i'm to busy drinking tea, reading my paper, eating my lunch, texting jokes,chatting to the neighbours and filling in my lottery tickets, and then i have to find time to do a bit of work. My life is not easy . :wink5: