A new jokes thread for your amusement.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune teller delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt.

Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing.

She simply had to know...

She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked,

"Will I be acquitted?"






For some reason, wives tend to like this joke........
 
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"
 
A guy went for an interview for the position of a Computer Hacking Investigator.

INTERVIEWER: so what makes you suitable for this job?

GUY: I hacked into your computer and invited myself for this interview
 
A college student writes to his parents:

Dear Mom and Dad,

I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and unhappy. I have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels. I beg on bended knee that you forgive me.

Your son,
Marvin.

P.S. I felt so terrible, I ran after the mailman who picked this up in the box at the corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I prayed that I could get it back, but it was too late."


A few days later he received a letter from his father. It said:

"Your prayers were answered. Your letter never arrived!"
 
Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car ....... It later turned out to be a tax disc.
 
BBC London News: "Man Critical After Street Attack"
I'm not surprised, I wouldn't be lavishing some idiot with praise if he beat me up.
 
I was in a art gallery today and I was shocked when I looked at a painting by Picasso which had a woman sat on a chair next to a table which had deformed legs.
I had no idea Ikea had been around so long
 
I see the U.S. will provide financial aid to Ukraine if the leaders confront corruption.
Because if anything stops corruption, it's bribing someone to stop corruption.
 
I've just been fired from my job as a Samaritan. A guy called in yesterday and said to me "I'm depressed and currently laying on the railway track waiting for the train to come."

Apparently "Remain calm and stay on the line." was the wrong response.



I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; it was riveting.





I rang a suppository users helpline and they were very rude to me.



I was at the gym yesterday and I found a hole in one of my trainers big enough to put my finger in.
Apparently she objected, so I'm banned now!
 
This little boy goes up to his dad and he says "Dad?, What's the difference between Potentially and Realistically?" To which the father replies "Well son, go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then you ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then you ask your brother if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars." So the boy goes up to his mom and asks her if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars and the mother replies "Oh my god, of course I would, he is so good looking!" So the boy moves on and asks his sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and she replies "He is so ****ing fine, of course I would!" Then last but no least he goes up to his brother and asks him if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars, his brother says "Of course I would, who wouldn't for a million bucks?" So he goes up to his dad and says "I think I learned the difference between potentially and realistically" "Well what's the difference?" says the father. "Well, potentially we're sitting on 3 million dollars, realistically we're living with 2 ----- and a smoke!"
 
Frozen Crabs





























A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.


Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.


Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.





Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think
 
A fat bird came smiling up to me in a nightclub, put her hand on my groin and said, "Have a guess what I want in my mouth tonight?"

"I...I...I don't know?" I stuttered.

"I'll give you a clue," she laughed, "It has four letters and begins with 'C'"

"Oh, that's easy," I said, looking her up and down, "Cake."
 
e7udypan.jpg
 
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really ****ed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scales.

Bob has been missing since Friday.
 
In the glory days of the British Empire, a new CO was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said,"You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man. He's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned. The new CO was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man and only about four feet tall, with a weepy eye and drool coming from the corner of his mouth.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst , joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and boxed in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of..."

The colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind all that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file.
Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to f### off."
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Oo and oO..

[TD="width: 100%"]













[/TD]











[TD="width: 100%"] Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men,
and I'd like to give you a
second chance instead of jail time.


I want you to go out this weekend and
try to convince others of the evils of drug use.
I'll see you back in Court Monday Morning."

On Monday, The Judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend." ?

"Well, Your Honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."


"Seventeen people,? That's wonderful. How did you do it." ?

"I used a diagram, Your Honour.

I drew two circles like this: O o.


Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small


circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," says the judge.


Then he turns to the second guy.


"And how did you do." ?

"Well, Your Honor,


I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"Wow," ! says the judge. "156 people, ! How did you manage to do that." ?

"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says.













[/TD]









[TD="width: 100%"] "I drew two circles like This, o 0 Then I pointed to the Small Circle and said, ''This is your ------- before going to Prison."












[/TD]














​


​
 
That's rude you ought to be ashamed of yourself putting something like this on the forum:behead::jester::rockon::rockon:
 
Chelsea agree £32 million Costa deal.

For that they got a skinny Latte and a packet of two shortbread fingers.
 
People are saying that Jeremy Clarkson is 'untouchable' at the BBC.

Of course he is.

He's the wrong sex and about 40 years too old.
 
I see Sony has invented a new cassette tape that can hold 47 million songs.

The first demonstration is scheduled for 2019, when it finishes rewinding.
 
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"
 
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double wide).

So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his cousin...er wife, didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.

The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is gonna help me."

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion.

The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . " at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand....

(Also works in Mississippi, Arkansas, Tennessee and parts of Kentucky).
 
The Englishman's, Irishman's and Scotsman's wives go shopping one day to a big department store. While they are there a fire breaks out. Everyone in the store is killed, including the three women. Their husbands are summoned to the local police station where a policewoman breaks the news to them: "I'm afraid sirs, that we believe your wives were killed in the fire at the department store. However the fire was so intense we cannot identify the bodies. Only their handbags survived the blaze. Can you identify your wives' handbags from these three found in the store?"
The three men all look at the handbags and each one is able to identify one of the handbags as belonging to his wife. With all handbags accounted for the policewoman leaves the men to deal with their grief in peace. The three men sit in silence for a while, then the Englishman opens his wife's handbag and rummages through the contents, finally pulling out a half-empty packet of cigarettes and says "All these years married and I never knew the old girl smoked."
The Scotsman looks into his wife's handbag and pulls out a half-empty bottle of scotch. "Jings, I knew her all that time an ah didnae ken ma missus drank."
The Irishman empties his wife's handbag onto the floor, looks through the contents and picks up a half empty packet of condoms. "'Saints preserve us! All dese years an oi never knew me wife was a man."
 
IN MY OPINION A SPACE IS SO IMPORTANT TO ONE'S WELFARE AND LOTS OF OTHER THINGS


The Importance of a space!





A secretary got an expensive pen as a gift from her boss.
She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email.
The bosses wife read the email and filed for divorce.

The email says:

"Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night. It has extra ordinary smooth flow, and a firm stroke. Initially its tip had to be licked to bring it to working order. I loved its perfect size and grip. Felt like I was in heaven when using it. I've always desired it and you fulfilled my wish. Thanks a lot"

Moral: A "space" is an essential part in English
 
Subject:

Fw: Fwd: Women can now feel safe

























































What a brilliant idea this is. At least women can feel safe now.







With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded car parks, especially during evening hours,













Cardiff City Council has established a "Women Only" car park at the new



St David’s Shopping Centre.













Even the attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons.















Below is the first picture available of this world-first women-only car park in Wales ..























Description: cid:B29167B7911B4511AC9960EA9DDC606C@AcerPC

ATT00001.jpg
 

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