A new jokes thread for your amusement.

HUSBAND'S MESSAGE (via cellphone text/SMS):

Honey, a car hit me whilst crossing the road outside the office.
Paula brought me to the hospital.
The Doctors have been taking tests and X-rays.
The blow to my head has been very strong but, fortunately, it seems that
it did not cause any permanent brain damage.
But I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg and
they may have to amputate my right foot.

WIFE'S RESPONSE:
Who the fvk is Paula?
 
A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to
meet the chief.

The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so
give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die.

What is first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."

The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers
something, then slaps the horse on the back. The horse takes off.

Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off
the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy.

The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only
think of one thing."

The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."

The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and
whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the back.

Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off
and goes in the teepee with the cowboy.

The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to
die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."

The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man.
What you want?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."

The indians bring him his horse.

The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells,
"Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"
 
The novel "Fifty Shades Of Grey" has seduced women - and baffled blokes. Now a spoof, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men. The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts...

Fifty Sheds Of Grey

We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall...but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.

She stood before me, trembling in my shed. "I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me."
So I took her to McDonalds.

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.

"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."

"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be punished."
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!"
"Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt.

"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
"Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."

"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."
She nodded.
"Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.

"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently
massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD
 
specs said:
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"
Click to expand...

I play golf and my wife has access to this thread......
Dont give her any ideas please.... Already in the dog house today for scratching her car...... Only thing I'm going to get tonight is the "cold shoulder".
 
In relation to recent threads about injuries, who are the 'coolest' people in an Hospital?
The 'ultra-sound' guys!
And when they're not at work, it's the 'hip' replacement people!
 
Paul.M said:
I play golf and my wife has access to this thread......
Dont give her any ideas please.... Already in the dog house today for scratching her car...... Only thing I'm going to get tonight is the "cold shoulder".
Click to expand...
Be even worse when she reads this one.

















1
He said to me . ... . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
I said to him .... . . You wear pants don't you?


2
He said to me ... . ......... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said to him .. That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart


3
He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him ... ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!


4
He said to me. ....... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him ... . They don't have time.



5
He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. .. I don't know; it has never happened.


6
He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.










7
He said to me...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said to him. . .. A widow.



8
He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him .. ... .. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed....Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
 
Hello Specs, this is Mrs. M and my reply:-


Paul M has been on top of me many of times in bed whilst I inspect the ceiling, I have never moaned yet????

Paul M for one week of the month has the strongest wrists in the land????

Paul M in bed is not that bad but my sisters says he is great????



Paul M, how the hell has he became a Mod? I'm great-full, he spends more time with you lot these days than he does with me thank God!


Mrs. M :rofl:
 
Police work can be dangerous, but sometimes amusing.



Recently a female police officer arrested 22 year old Patrick Lawrence, who was caught fornicating with a

pumpkin in the middle of the night.



The next day at the Horsham Court ( Victoria , Australia ), Lawrence was charged with lewd and

lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication.



Lawrence explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session,

and decided to stop. “Well, you know how a pumpkin can be soft and squidgy inside....there was no-one else

around... at least I thought there wasn’t”



Lawrence went on to say he picked out a ripe pumpkin, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his urgent need.

“I suppose I was really into it, you know?” he added.



In the process of carrying out this lewd act, Lawrence failed to notice

Senior Constable Brenda Taylor approaching in a police car.



“It was a most unusual situation, that’s for sure” said Senior Constable Taylor. “I spoke to the defendant

and asked him why he was having sexual relations with a pumpkin.

His face froze. He was clearly surprised to see me there, then looked me in the eye and said....



“****, is it midnight already”
 
Dennis Penberthy, an elderly Cornish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions, stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees enough and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.

"Tell me about your staff," he asked Penberthy.

"Well," said Penberthy, "there's the farm hand. I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week, along with a bottle of gin every week, and, occasionally, gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's who I want to talk to," said the inspector, the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Penberthy
 
An RAF Group Captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff ....



Whilst waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Group Captain decided to pose a question to all assembled.



He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure"



· A Wing Commander chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.

· A Squadron Leader said it was 50-50%.

· A Flight Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.



There being no consensus, the Group Captain turned to the young Corporal who was in charge of making the coffee. What the Group Captain wondered was his opinion?



Without any hesitation, the young Corporal responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."



The Group Captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked "And, why exactly would that be the case?"



The young Corporal replied, "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."



The room fell silent.



May God Bless the lower ranks.
 
10[2].jpg been waiting for this
 
Paul.M said:
Hello Specs, this is Mrs. M and my reply:-


Paul M has been on top of me many of times in bed whilst I inspect the ceiling, I have never moaned yet????

Paul M for one week of the month has the strongest wrists in the land????

Paul M in bed is not that bad but my sisters says he is great????



Paul M, how the hell has he became a Mod? I'm great-full, he spends more time with you lot these days than he does with me thank God!


Mrs. M :rofl:
Click to expand...
and you live where ???
 
A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...

"Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"
 
There was a knock at the door last night, answered it and there was a 6 foot cockroach stood there. Before I had a chance to say anything and for no apparent reason, it punched me in the face. I just found out that 'there is a nasty bug going about at the mo'!
 
I was having sex with a bird last night when she said, "Do you think I'm tight?"

"Yes." I panted, "You're the tightest I've ever had."

"You really think so?" She gushed.

"Yes." I replied, "None of the other women I've been with wore Primark knickers."
 
dan86 said:
I was having sex with a bird last night when she said, "Do you think I'm tight?"

"Yes." I panted, "You're the tightest I've ever had."

"You really think so?" She gushed.

"Yes." I replied, "None of the other women I've been with wore Primark knickers."
Click to expand...
Rob sent me that one too :)
 
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that old!"

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist, when I noticed his diploma hanging on the wall. It bore his full name and I suddenly remembered a tall, handsome dark-haired boy with the same name. He had been in my high school class some 40-odd years before and I wondered if he could be the same guy I had a secret crush on way back then?

When I got into the treatment room I quickly discarded any such thought.This balding gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was much too old to have been my secret crush. Or was he? After he examined my teeth, I asked if he had attended Morgan Park High. "Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang!" he said, gleaming with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

"In 1959. Why do you ask?" He answered.

"Well, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.

Then that ugly, old, wrinkled son of a bitch asked, "What did you teach?"
 
I just phoned the police.
"What's your emergency?" they asked.
I said, "Two women are fighting over me."
"OK, that's not so bad, what's the problem?" said the police officer.
"The angry, fat one is winning." I said.
 
A husband went to police station for filing a report for his missing wife:

Husband :-I lost my wife, she went shopping and has not returned.

Inspector :-What is her height ?

Husband:- I'm not too sure.

Inspector :-Slim or heavy?

Husband:- Not slim exactly.

Inspector :-Colour of eyes ?

Husband :-Never noticed.

Inspector :-Colour of hair ?

Husband :-Changes according to season.

Inspector :-What was she wearing?

Husband :-Jeans/suit/ I don’t remember exactly.

Inspector :-Was she in a car?

Husband :-yes.

Inspector :-tell me the number, name and colour of the car ?

Husband :-Black Audi A8 with super charged 3.0 litre V6 engine
generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tip tronic
automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED
headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions
and has a very thin scratch on the front left door. My new custom fit
golf clubs, Powacaddy electric trolley are in the boot ….

(and then the husband started crying...)

Inspector:-Don't worry sir,.. . We'll find your car
 
After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow."

The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
 
On average, British couples have sex two to three times a week, whereas Japanese couples have sex only one to three times a month.

This is upsetting news as I had no idea I was Japanese.
 
was getting dressed ready to go out for a meal when 'er indoors says " think i'll look good in something long and flowing". " "Yes" I replied . " how about the Mersey?"
 
Last night my wife asked me what I was doing on the computer. I replied "Looking for cheap flights" She then said I love you, and made love to me for hours. Strange really. She hasn't shown any interest in darts before.
 
"I think David Tennant was the worst doctor of recent times."

"No way, you're wrong."

"Who was then?"

"Definitely Harold Shipman."
 
NOT MEANT TO CAUSE OFFENCE
----------------------------------
Someone mentioned that Rik Mayall had died, so i decided to check for myself.

I spent an hour Googling "Young Ones" and "Bottom", and have been asked to attend my local police station for questioning.
 
lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."
 
I was getting it on with this bird and she said "kiss me where it smells" I replied "I'm not going to Widnes at this time of night"
 
a man walks into the sandwich shop where one of the girls offers hand relief as a sideline,an attractive young lady approaches him,"are you the girl that does the handjobs?" he asks" yes " she replies" well go and wash them I want a ham sandwich."
 
the wife happened to mention that this year will be our fifteenth wedding anniversary,"ah yes" I replied in a world of my own "if I'd done a murder I'd be getting parole about now"
 

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