T
H
hubsy
A man is at his lawyer's funeral and and is surprised by the turnout for this one man. He turns to the people around him. "Why are you all at this man's funeral?" A man turns towards him and says, "We're all clients." "And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching." "No, we came to make sure he was dead."
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. “All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards.”
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. “All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards.”
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
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specs
One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."
The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
Probably a good thing," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."
The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
Probably a good thing," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."
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specs
Annie, just 7 years old, had just had her first family planning lesson at school
She goes home and immediately her mother asks, "How did it go, sweetie?"
"I died of shame," Annie answers.
"Why?"
Annie replied, "Karen, from down the road, said that the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. Peter in my class said you can buy babies at the hospital."
Her mother laughs, "Well, that's no reason to be ashamed."
"No, but I can never tell them that we're so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!"
She goes home and immediately her mother asks, "How did it go, sweetie?"
"I died of shame," Annie answers.
"Why?"
Annie replied, "Karen, from down the road, said that the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. Peter in my class said you can buy babies at the hospital."
Her mother laughs, "Well, that's no reason to be ashamed."
"No, but I can never tell them that we're so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!"
S
specs
A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?"
The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
"Well," the farmer said, "Today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied.
"So what happened then?" the man asked.
The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."
"And then?" the man asked.
"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
The man laughed and said, "Again?"
The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So, what did you do then?" the man asked.
"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head.
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.
"So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.. Some things you just can't explain."
The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
"Well," the farmer said, "Today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied.
"So what happened then?" the man asked.
The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."
"And then?" the man asked.
"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
The man laughed and said, "Again?"
The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So, what did you do then?" the man asked.
"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head.
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.
"So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.. Some things you just can't explain."
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Earthstore
K
Kamikaze
- Feb 25, 2011
- 9,547
- 6,486
- 10,256,798
- If you're a qualified, trainee, or retired electrician - Which country is it that your work will be / is / was aimed at?
- United Kingdom
- What type of forum member are you?
- Practising Electrician (Qualified - Domestic or Commercial etc)
- Business Name
- Richard Burns
D
dan86
"They were an American rock band formed in Las Vegas in 2001. Led by frontman Brandon Flowers, they achieved mainstream success through hit albums such as Hot Fuss and singles like Mr Brightside, Somebody Told Me and Human".
"I see", I said to the witness, jotting it down in my notepad and surveying the murder scene. "But that's not what I meant when I asked who the killers were".
"I see", I said to the witness, jotting it down in my notepad and surveying the murder scene. "But that's not what I meant when I asked who the killers were".
- May 6, 2011
- 7,962
- 1,893
- 7,688
- If you're a qualified, trainee, or retired electrician - Which country is it that your work will be / is / was aimed at?
- United States of America
- What type of forum member are you?
- Manufacturer / Distributor / Supplier / Inventor - etc
S
Silly Sausage
Cameron and clegg are on a plane,Cameron looked at Clegg chuckled and said"You know i could throw a £1,000 note out the window right now and make someone happy".Clegg shrugged his shoulders and replied"i could throw ten £100 notes out of the window and make ten people happy".Hearing their exchange the pilot said to the co-pilot "Such big shots! i could throw both of them out the window and make 40 million people ecstatic!"
- - - Updated - - -
Gina goes into hospital for a cosmetic surgery to give her a designer vagina. She's nervous, naturally, but looking forward to the operation. Prior to the operation she discusses her needs with her surgeon; she would like for her labia to be smaller because for some reason they 'hang low' enough so that they can hang either side of her gusset and this upsets her.
Upon waking up from the operation and coming to fully she sees three bunches of flowers with cards on the bedside.
The first card reads "I can't wait to get your home, your devoted and horny husband x"
The second " I am very pleased with the work I have done and I wish you all success with your new vagina" from her surgeon.
The Third "thanks for my new ears, from Billy in the burns unit"
- - - Updated - - -
Gina goes into hospital for a cosmetic surgery to give her a designer vagina. She's nervous, naturally, but looking forward to the operation. Prior to the operation she discusses her needs with her surgeon; she would like for her labia to be smaller because for some reason they 'hang low' enough so that they can hang either side of her gusset and this upsets her.
Upon waking up from the operation and coming to fully she sees three bunches of flowers with cards on the bedside.
The first card reads "I can't wait to get your home, your devoted and horny husband x"
The second " I am very pleased with the work I have done and I wish you all success with your new vagina" from her surgeon.
The Third "thanks for my new ears, from Billy in the burns unit"
D
dan86
- Jun 30, 2010
- 9,196
- 8,031
- 10,256,798
- If you're a qualified, trainee, or retired electrician - Which country is it that your work will be / is / was aimed at?
- United Kingdom
- What type of forum member are you?
- Electrical Engineer (Qualified)
S
Silly Sausage
A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f*cking bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any f*cking bread, ask me again and I'll nail your f*cking beak to the bar you irritating b*stard of a f*cking bird!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f*cking bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any f*cking bread, ask me again and I'll nail your f*cking beak to the bar you irritating b*stard of a f*cking bird!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?
S
specs
A man called home to his wife and said, " Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends
We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up"
" Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. "
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to Do?"
You'll love the answer...
The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box ..."
We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up"
" Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. "
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to Do?"
You'll love the answer...
The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box ..."
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dan86
saw this today and made me lol! not quite sure why tbh.
also noticed that there was no space between 'know' and 'how'... :/
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