A new jokes thread for your amusement.

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A new jokes thread for your amusement.

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12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on TV and Radio


1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator –
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator –
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator –
'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 –
'Ah, isn't that nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew..'

5. US PGA Commentator –
'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ........
Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said:
'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'
 
Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of
furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he
could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and
selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To
celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and
have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the
small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table
was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table;
asked him something in French (which Murphy couldn't understand); so
he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried
to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After
a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a
napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She
nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another
napkin and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded..
They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small
group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took
another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and
they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band
was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture
of a four-poster bed.

To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the
furniture business
 
The Will



Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he

begins to speak:

My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses." My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre." "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential

buildings on the banks of the river."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says,

"Mrs.Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property ? .... the ------- had a paper round.
 
THE LEGAL SYSTEM!!
​
​
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Greece; but the custody of their children posed a problem.​
​
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.​
​
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.​
​
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied:​
​
"Your Honour, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"​
​
​
DON'T LAUGH...... HE WON!!
​
 
A painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.

Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Doolin in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude.

This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, and she was willing to pay up to £10,000.

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.

In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay.

"I'll paint you in the nude all right, but I have to at least leave me socks on so I have a place to wipe me brushes."....................
 
Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter look ed at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The Paddy replied, 'These are Carols.
 
The Husband Store

A Husband
Shopping Center has opened where a woman can go to choose a husband from among
many men. It is laid out in five floors, and the men increase in positive
attributes as the shopper flights. There is, however, a catch. As you arrive on
any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you
cannot go back down, except to exit the building.

So, a woman goes to the
shopping center to find a husband On the first floor the sign says:
Floor
1:
These men have jobs and love kids. The woman reads the sign. "Well that's
better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further
up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign says:
Floor 2:
These men
have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm,
better." says the woman. "But, I wonder ! what's further up?"

The third
floor sign reads:
Floor 3:
These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are
extremely good looking, and help with the housework. "Wow," says the woman,
"very tempting. BUT, there must be better further up!" And, again, she goes
up.

On the fourth floor the sign reads:
Floor 4:
These men have
high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the
housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

"Oh, mercy me! But just
think...what must be awaiting me further on?

So up to the fifth floor she
goes.

The sign on that door says:
Floor 5:
This floor is just to
prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping and have a
nice day.

None of the hospital staff wanted to
have anything to do with him. The charge nurse was the only one who could stand up
to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his
arms, and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for
this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."

This started another
round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind! After
feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get
something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the
door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears
people walking past his door, laughing.

After a half hour, the man's
doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.


Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen
someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor
confesses, "Not with a carnation."
 
My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities.

I said, "That's great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity."
 
How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb: 12.

One to screw it in,
one to excoriate men for creating the need for illumination,
one to blame men for inventing such a faulty means of illumination,
one to suggest the whole "screwing" bit to be too "rape-like",
one to deconstruct the light bulb itself as being phallic,
one to blame men for not changing the bulb,
one to blame men for trying to change the bulb instead of letting a woman do it,
one to blame men for creating a society that discourages women from changing light bulbs,
one to blame men for creating a society where women change too many light bulbs,
one to advocate that light bulb changers should have wage parity with electricians,
one to alert the media that women are now "out-lightbulbing" men,
one to just sit there taking pictures for her blog for photo-evidence that men are unnecessary
 
After a few pints down at the local, talk got round to who had the most expensive watch. I showed mine first.

"That's a Rolex Oyster, worth two and a half grand," I grinned.

My mate John smiled and proudly pointed to his wrist.

"This is a white gold Patek Phillipe. I paid the best part of twenty grand for it."

Dave rolled up his sleeve to show his watch.

"What do you think of that then? It cost me What do you think of that then? It cost me £200,000."

Me and John stared a while then I said, "Dave, Thats a Casio."

"I know," he sighed. "My ex-wife bought it for me then found it in her sister's bed."
 
Next time you have a bad day at work, think of this guy. Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.


Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio
station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a
worst
job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,

Just
another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the
office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would
share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.


Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a
few technicalities of my job. As you know, my "office" lies at the
bottom of
the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the
water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel
powered industrial water heater.

This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks
the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps
it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now
this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no
complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the
hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with
warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well
until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.

So, of course, I
scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started
to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I
realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a
jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

Now, since I don't have any hair
on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt
was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was
actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

I informed
the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were
unclear due to the fact that he, along with five
other divers, were all
laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive.

I was
instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling
thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry
decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass
helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running

down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as
soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't
poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're
having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a
jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself,

"I love
my job, I love my job, I love my job."










 
Old Golfer and Blonde



A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.

One is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, “I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion.

He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history.

“Here's your equipment --chair, whip and a gun.

“Who wants to try out first?”

The girl says, “I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.

The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.

About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles.

He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. “I've never seen a display like that in my life.”

He turns to the retired golfer and asks, “Can you top that?”

The old golfer says, “No problem, just get that lion out of there.”
 
Old Golfer and Blonde



A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.

One is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, “I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion.

He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history.

“Here's your equipment --chair, whip and a gun.

“Who wants to try out first?”

The girl says, “I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.

The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.

About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles.

He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. “I've never seen a display like that in my life.”

He turns to the retired golfer and asks, “Can you top that?”

The old golfer says, “No problem, just get that lion out of there.”
 
50 Shades of Grey - BY PAM AYRES

(a husband's point of view)



The missus bought a Paperback,

Down Shepton Mallet way,

I had a look inside her bag;

... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it and at ten I went to bed.

An hour later she appeared;

The sight filled me with dread...

In her left she held a rope;

And in her right a whip!

She threw them down upon the floor,

And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;

I might have had a peek;

But Mabel hasn't weathered well;

She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind;

Could not have been much grimmer.

And things then went from bad to worse;

She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;

A couple minutes later;

She put her teeth back in and said

I am a dominator!!

Now if you knew our Mabel,

You'd see just why I spluttered,

I'd spent two months in traction

For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked

Bent forward just a bit

I went to hold her, sensual like

And stood on her left ---!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;

My God what had I done!?

She moaned and groaned then shouted out:

"Step on the other one"!!

Well readers, I can tell no more;

Of what occurred that day.

Suffice to say my jet black hair,

Turned fifty shades of grey.
 
i can perform miracles..................................

i can turn wine into water..................................


................................................piece of pi$$.
 
Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.

"No" said Billy, "He plays football for Newcastle but I was just too embarrassed to say....."
 
Story that was reportedly told in a church...



The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to
express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I
have a praise point. Two months ago, my husband, Dave, had a terrible
motorcycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain
was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Dave must have experienced.

"Dave was unable to hold me or the children," she went on,
"and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors
performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to
piece together the crushed remnants of Dave's scrotum, and wrap wire around
it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed
uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Dave.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord,
Dave is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his
scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had
something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Dave." The entire congregation held its
breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
 
ian.settle1 said:
Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.

"No" said Billy, "He plays football for Newcastle but I was just too embarrassed to say....."
Click to expand...
30 seconds after I read that, the mackems scored so appropriate really
 
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