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25200 17ml from Bologna in round 2
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25200 17ml from Bologna in round 2
OP
specs
I was bloody crap, any advance on crap
OP
specs
considering I've only ever been on a day trip to france and a week in Liverpool , I thought I did well
OP
specs
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
'What in bag?' asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: 'Good trade....
Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
'What in bag?' asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: 'Good trade....
OP
specs
A man is walking down the street and decides to surprise his wife with flowers. He sees a window storefront overflowing with flowers and stops in.
"I'll have a dozen roses,"
The shopkeeper calmly shakes his head and says "I'm sorry, we don't sell flowers.
"What do you mean you don't sell flowers? Your window is FULL of flowers?!"
"Actually, we perform circumcisions".
The incredulous man looks back over his shoulder at the display full of flowers, befuddled and says, "Circumcisions?
The shopkeeper, with timeless patience, responds, "Look buddy, you tell me...what would you put in the window?"
"I'll have a dozen roses,"
The shopkeeper calmly shakes his head and says "I'm sorry, we don't sell flowers.
"What do you mean you don't sell flowers? Your window is FULL of flowers?!"
"Actually, we perform circumcisions".
The incredulous man looks back over his shoulder at the display full of flowers, befuddled and says, "Circumcisions?
The shopkeeper, with timeless patience, responds, "Look buddy, you tell me...what would you put in the window?"
- Reaction score
- 2,323
A young teenager comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"
"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it. "But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"
"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it. "But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"
OP
specs
Man passes a 10 year old Irish boy at the bus stop, he was crying his eyes out.
'What's the matte, son' he asks the boy
'Me Mam, she passed away this mornin' sobbed the boy
'Ah beJesus' replied the man ' 'Shall I call Father O'Riley for you'
'No 'said the boy ' Sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment''
'What's the matte, son' he asks the boy
'Me Mam, she passed away this mornin' sobbed the boy
'Ah beJesus' replied the man ' 'Shall I call Father O'Riley for you'
'No 'said the boy ' Sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment''
OP
specs
A girl brings a guy home one night. They get to her apartment and she immediately suggests they do a "69". "What the hell is that?" asks the guy. Realizing he is inexperienced, she attempts to explain. "I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine." Still not fully understanding, but not wanting to ruin the moment the guy agrees. The second they get into position she lets loose a RIP-ROARING fart. "WTF was that for?" asks the guy. "Ooooopps! Sorry, lets try it again." she says. So they get into position again, and once again she lets one loose. The guy gets up and proceeds to get dressed. "Wait, where are you going?" she asks. The guy responds "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're bloody crazy!"
- Reaction score
- 67,272
derby and joan club. john, 78 meets doris, 77. after a few drinks and a couple of slow dances, doris suggests going back to her place. after a nightcap, they go to bed and john says " listen, doris, we're both getting on in life. time is short. whatever you fancy doing, we''ll do". so doris says " well, all them years i was married to my dear departed fred, we never did a 69, so i'd like to try it."
so then they get down to the business, and after a few minutes john exclaims " here, it's a bloody shame about that ship, the titanic". "what do you mean?" replies doris. " all them passengers drowned" says john. "oh. i know" says doris. but what the hell made you think of that while we're having a lovely 69?"
" just read about it" says john. " it's in the newspaper stuck to your arse".
so then they get down to the business, and after a few minutes john exclaims " here, it's a bloody shame about that ship, the titanic". "what do you mean?" replies doris. " all them passengers drowned" says john. "oh. i know" says doris. but what the hell made you think of that while we're having a lovely 69?"
" just read about it" says john. " it's in the newspaper stuck to your arse".
- Reaction score
- 2,323
A young paratrooper went for his first jump from an airplane. Afterwards, he called his father to tell him the news.
"We got in the plane, and the sergeant opened the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane."
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Not yet. The sergeant started to grab the other men, one at a time, and throw them out the door. I was the last man left."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"No, I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. He said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this up your ---.'"
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, a little, at first, but then I got used to it."
"We got in the plane, and the sergeant opened the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane."
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Not yet. The sergeant started to grab the other men, one at a time, and throw them out the door. I was the last man left."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"No, I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. He said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this up your ---.'"
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, a little, at first, but then I got used to it."
OP
specs
hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls the vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud.
The farmer hangs up and comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he figures the first try didn't take and loads them into the truck again. He drives out to the woods, bangs each pig twice, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around.
"One more try", he tells himself as he drives them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, once home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, so exhausted he can barely raise himself he asks his wife to tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.
"No", she says, "they're in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."
The farmer hangs up and comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he figures the first try didn't take and loads them into the truck again. He drives out to the woods, bangs each pig twice, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around.
"One more try", he tells himself as he drives them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, once home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, so exhausted he can barely raise himself he asks his wife to tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.
"No", she says, "they're in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."
OP
specs
Two elderly folks in a nursing home wanted to get married. Their doctor took each one into his office separately to try and talk them out of it.
He called in the woman and told her that the man had already suffered two heart attacks.
She told the doctor that she didn't care.
The doctor then called in the man and told him the woman was suffering from acute angina.
"I know!" he said. "I peeked."
He called in the woman and told her that the man had already suffered two heart attacks.
She told the doctor that she didn't care.
The doctor then called in the man and told him the woman was suffering from acute angina.
"I know!" he said. "I peeked."
OP
specs
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "
"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree.
Ees
Ees
Ees a ham bush...."
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "
"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree.
Ees
Ees
Ees a ham bush...."
OP
specs
Little Tommy was sitting on the toilet pot. His mother thought he was taking too long, so she went into the bathroom to check on him. Tommy was there sitting on the toilet seat reading a book. But every few seconds, he would put the book down, grab the toilet seat with one hand, and hit himself on top of the head with the other hand.
His mother found this strange and asked: "Tommy, are you okay? You've been in here for a while."
Little Tommy replied, "I'm fine, mom, I just haven't done my potty yet."
His mother said, "That's all right, sweety, you can stay here for some more time, but why do you keep hitting yourself on the head?"
Little Tommy replied: "Works for ketchup."
His mother found this strange and asked: "Tommy, are you okay? You've been in here for a while."
Little Tommy replied, "I'm fine, mom, I just haven't done my potty yet."
His mother said, "That's all right, sweety, you can stay here for some more time, but why do you keep hitting yourself on the head?"
Little Tommy replied: "Works for ketchup."
OP
specs
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
OP
specs
A really sloppy drunk is draped over the bar. The bartender tells him, "OK, you've had enough. I'm not going to serve you anymore, so get out of here and go home."
The drunk leaves the bar. Ten minutes later the drunk comes back in through the back door. The bartender tells him, "I told you to go home, I'm not serving you anything more, you've had enough, now go home." The drunk leaves again.
Ten minutes later the drunk comes back in through a side door. Again, the bartender tells him, "Man, I told you, you're wasted. I'm not serving you anymore, now go home, you've had enough." Again, the drunk leaves.
Fifteen minutes later the drunk comes back through another side door. The bartender says, "What the hell is the matter with you? I keep telling you, you've had enough already, and I'm not going to serve you anymore, now go home!"
The drunk looks up at the bartender and asks, "How many places do you work at?"
The drunk leaves the bar. Ten minutes later the drunk comes back in through the back door. The bartender tells him, "I told you to go home, I'm not serving you anything more, you've had enough, now go home." The drunk leaves again.
Ten minutes later the drunk comes back in through a side door. Again, the bartender tells him, "Man, I told you, you're wasted. I'm not serving you anymore, now go home, you've had enough." Again, the drunk leaves.
Fifteen minutes later the drunk comes back through another side door. The bartender says, "What the hell is the matter with you? I keep telling you, you've had enough already, and I'm not going to serve you anymore, now go home!"
The drunk looks up at the bartender and asks, "How many places do you work at?"
OP
specs
Usually everyone who has a dog would call him Rover or something, well I call mine "Sex". Sex is a very embarrassing name, but I never knew how embarrassing until one day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for him. A police officer came along and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning.
I said, "I was looking for Sex."
My court case comes up next Thursday.
One day I went to City Hall to get a license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted, I told him I wanted a license for Sex.
He said, "I would like to have one too!"
When I said, "But this is a dog," he said he didn't care what she looked like.
Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was two years old."
He replied, "You must have been a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding.
I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole lifestyle revolves around Sex."
He said he did not want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in a church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having Sex there. The next day we were married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church.
My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and myself and a special room for Sex. The clerk said that every room in the Motel is for Sex.
Then I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night", and the clerk said, "Me too."
One day I told my friend that I had Sex on TV. He said, "Show off!" I told him it was a contest, and he told me I should have sold tickets.
When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married" and the Judge said, "Me too."
When I told him that after I was married Sex had left me, he said, "Me too."
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for. Why just the other day when I went for my first visit with the psychiatrist and she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"
I replied, "Well, Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and it's so lonely."
The doctor said, "Look Mister, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Why not get yourself a dog?"
I said, "I was looking for Sex."
My court case comes up next Thursday.
One day I went to City Hall to get a license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted, I told him I wanted a license for Sex.
He said, "I would like to have one too!"
When I said, "But this is a dog," he said he didn't care what she looked like.
Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was two years old."
He replied, "You must have been a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding.
I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole lifestyle revolves around Sex."
He said he did not want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in a church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having Sex there. The next day we were married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church.
My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and myself and a special room for Sex. The clerk said that every room in the Motel is for Sex.
Then I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night", and the clerk said, "Me too."
One day I told my friend that I had Sex on TV. He said, "Show off!" I told him it was a contest, and he told me I should have sold tickets.
When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married" and the Judge said, "Me too."
When I told him that after I was married Sex had left me, he said, "Me too."
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for. Why just the other day when I went for my first visit with the psychiatrist and she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"
I replied, "Well, Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and it's so lonely."
The doctor said, "Look Mister, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Why not get yourself a dog?"
OP
specs
I have a request, This is a long running thread to which I have donated. A lot of members and guests visit this thread, yet i am not credited with the posts I make. I could easily post in other threads , but this is my thread of interest The only member who wants to shoot me is a friend ( he has a 12 bore shotgun) I will not tell you his name, but it begins with' Tele........ I Think he became my mate so he could get close enough to me to shoot me. I would like my posts recognised. If you , the members think I am asking to much please say so. If not, Please tell The Boss
OP
dan86
I keep meaning to do a search and see how many of the posts belong to you in here when I'm on the computer. I mainly use tapatalk to read the forum though and can't do that kind of search on it.
I personally like the majority of your posts even if I don't actually 'like' them. some of the longer ones I don't bother reading though tbh.
I understand why posts in here don't up your post count, but a bit under your name in your profile saying something along the lines of 'approved forum joke teller' or the like would be kinda cool!
OP
moospark
Maybe if people hit the thanks button, instead of like. Specs may get due recognition?
Reply to A new jokes thread for your amusement. in the Electricians Chat - Off Topic Chat area at ElectriciansForums.net
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