D
dan86
I was in the supermarket in the butchers section today, and this woman asks me, "What's the cheapest kind of meat?" to which I reply with a straight face, "Deer balls because they're under a buck."
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T
trev
In the butchers the other day and I asked how much the venison steaks were, he said £14.50 per kg.
I replied "That's a bit dear"
I replied "That's a bit dear"
M
Meggerman
I was in the butchers on Saturday and he had sirloin way up and needed a step ladder to reach them. I said I'd like a couple. He went up ladder and came back down empty handed. He said I reached for them and the ladder moved, the steaks are just too high!
R
R G
Two lepers playing cards , one threw his hand in , the other laughed his head off..
What goes along the sea bed at 90 MPH , a motorpike and sidecarp,,,
What goes along the sea bed at 90 MPH , a motorpike and sidecarp,,,
As a keen fresh water angler I have to tell you Pike and Carp don't live in the sea, honest only funning you lol
R
R G
aha , now I know why they were doing 90 MPH , to get back to the fresh water ,,, LOL,,
If there are anymore jokes like them above I am going to plead with mods to close the tread down
Cod only know how worse they can get
Cod only know how worse they can get
Stop flapping and start yacking, these jokes are not going to write themselfs.
Cod you plaice get back on track your like a fish out of water
There was a young man from Gwent, who's tool was exceeding bent, to save him the trouble he put it in double, instead of coming he went.
Just a couple of things I spotted on FB and would like to share. The first is just great:
"Here's all you need to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid."
Has anyone seen the post of a bloke who humped a Greggs pasty and got his bits burnt?
"Here's all you need to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid."
Has anyone seen the post of a bloke who humped a Greggs pasty and got his bits burnt?
R
R G
This one should get you all laughing Niceic have joined up with Rated people ,so should be re named Village people
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are sexy.
S
specs
yep, its so bad, I'm beginning to feel you miss me mate.
S
specs
love it mate. really
Last edited by a moderator:
S
specs
oh dear, you must really miss me mate
S
specs
Saddam Hussien caught 3 Soldiers in the dessert, A Guardsmen a Paratrooper & a Royal Engineer. He lined the 4 soldiers up in front of a mine field & said "whoever can get through the minefield will be set free"
The Guardsmen immediately asked for a bayonet & started to dig & crawl.....20 metres later BOOM the Guardsmen was blown up.
The Paratrooper asked for a long stick & was given a broom handle so he started to probe & move through the mine field.....50 metres later & BOOM the Paratrooper was blown up.
The Royal Engineer asked for 1 Mattress, 1 Pig & 2 rolls of Gaffa Tape.
The Engineer slashed open the mattress took out the springs & gaffa taped them to the legs of the Pig, jumped on the back of the Pig & bounced his away across the entire mine field & escaped.
Saddam & his troops chased the Engineer & caught up to him, the Engineer screamed "you said if I made it I could go free" Saddam said "you are free, I just need to know how you did it" the Engineer looked at Saddam & said "I call it four sprung pork technique"
The Guardsmen immediately asked for a bayonet & started to dig & crawl.....20 metres later BOOM the Guardsmen was blown up.
The Paratrooper asked for a long stick & was given a broom handle so he started to probe & move through the mine field.....50 metres later & BOOM the Paratrooper was blown up.
The Royal Engineer asked for 1 Mattress, 1 Pig & 2 rolls of Gaffa Tape.
The Engineer slashed open the mattress took out the springs & gaffa taped them to the legs of the Pig, jumped on the back of the Pig & bounced his away across the entire mine field & escaped.
Saddam & his troops chased the Engineer & caught up to him, the Engineer screamed "you said if I made it I could go free" Saddam said "you are free, I just need to know how you did it" the Engineer looked at Saddam & said "I call it four sprung pork technique"
We were missing you, but we are not after that one!:59:
S
specs
I asked the bookshop owner for the new book by Nick Clegg.
"I think I've sold out," he replied.
I said "that's the one."
"I think I've sold out," he replied.
I said "that's the one."
S
specs
You know you don't mean that.
S
specs
A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lilies.
"Tch Tch!" said the passer-by to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help."
So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"
"Fishin', sir."
"Fishin', eh? Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"
The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.
His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?"
The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"
"Tch Tch!" said the passer-by to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help."
So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"
"Fishin', sir."
"Fishin', eh? Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"
The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.
His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?"
The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"
R
R G
A man was wearing a placard , on the front it said "Alcohol is thy enemy", on the back it said "Love thy enemy",,,
S
specs
A fire fighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a fire fighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the fire fighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied.
The fire fighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the fire fighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '
The little girl, after giving it some thought, replied , 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.
R
R G
An elderly lady took her Budgie that had fainted to a vet , The vet looked at it and said Its passed away , the lady asked if she could have a second opinion , The vet bought in a cat and the cat sniffed the budgie and shook its head , The vet then went out and brought in a labrador , again he sniffed the budgie and shook his head , The lady was now convinced the budgie has passed away , The vet then gave the lady the bill , and immediately the lady voiced her opinion at the high cost , The vet then explained the charges "what with the cat scan and the lab report the charges are high"..
T
trev
B
Badged01
So where did the 4th one come from and what happened to him?
He was special forces so can't be discussed!
P
Paul.M
Years ago the saying "Jimmy Saville covered in custard" was just a way of not being premature on your ""enjoyment"".
These days its a law suit!!!
These days its a law suit!!!
D
dan86
I always prefer red haired women.
Rusty roof means the cellar is wet as well.
Rusty roof means the cellar is wet as well.
S
specs
There's an annual contest at Bond University, Australia calling for the
most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's chosen term
was "political correctness".
The winning student wrote:
"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical
minority, and promoted by mainstream media, which holds forth the
proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shlt by the
clean end."
Perhaps the most truthful words ever spoken
most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's chosen term
was "political correctness".
The winning student wrote:
"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical
minority, and promoted by mainstream media, which holds forth the
proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shlt by the
clean end."
Perhaps the most truthful words ever spoken
D
dan86
Oranges can be either male or female.
The males sometimes unexpectedly squirt in your eye.
The females are bitter for no apparent reason.
The males sometimes unexpectedly squirt in your eye.
The females are bitter for no apparent reason.
R
R G
Nice one Tel ,, wouldn't like to meet the parents ,, HeHe..
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