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probably similar to "don't listen" in sign language.
 
During WW II a German fighter pilot was shot down over England and he was captured by the British. He was hurt pretty bad, so the British doctor amputated his left arm. He requested that they drop his arm over his base in Germany. So the British did.

The next week they amputated his other arm and he asked the same thing. The British complied.

The next week they amputated one of his legs, and he again asked for them to drop it over his base in Germany. The British doctor replied, “Sorry Sir, we will do this no more!”

The pilot asked why not, and the British answered, “We think your trying to escape!!!.”
 
The following questions were set in last year's GED examination These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............they walk amongst us and they WILL breed.




Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. How is dew formed

A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire


Q. What causes the tides in the oceans

A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight


Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections

A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election


Q. What are steroids

A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs
(Shoot yourself now, there is little hope)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes

A. Premature death
(It stands to reason)

Q. What is artificial insemination

A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
(THAT I would like to witness)

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour

A. Keep it in the cow
(Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)

A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..
(wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?

A. A small lie


Q. What is the most common form of birth control

A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium
(That would work)

Q. What is a seizure?

A. A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness

A. When you are sick at the airport.
(Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?

A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
(brilliant)
 
i haqd a nightmare last night. paid £70 for the new 17th BGB and when i opened it, it was full of your jokes.
 
A couple take in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they



didn't have a bath but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire......

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday....

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.



She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.



He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, don't go to darts. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed the girl that indeed, she was far from hairless.

When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked: "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!
 
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord !".
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord". A bit annoyed by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord". Really angry now that this guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smartypants. You get up here and do it!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mic and starts to sing .....
>
>
>
" A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."
 
I saw a tramp lying on the pavement and said, "Would you like me to give you an air mattress?"

"Yes, please", he smiled.

"Here you go", I said, "and you can have this air guitar as well."
 
A new jokes thread for your amusement. {filename} | ElectriciansForums.net
 
While in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not
use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find
his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having
seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to
return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I've got bad
news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost
unheard of here in the US, we know very little about it.”

The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or
something and fix me up, Doc.”

The doctor answers, “I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have
to amputate your penis.”

The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”

The doctor replies, “Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but
surgery is your only option.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know
more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD.
Vewy ware disease.”

The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can
we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah,
always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!”

“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.

“Yes”, says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. Faw off by itself...!”
 
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild, and naturally beautiful with bush land around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man

Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick
 
A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting all alone at a nearby table. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that, if she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly brings it over to the woman, saying this is from the gentleman over there. She looks at the wine and sends a note over to the man. Her note reads: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants."

The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his own back to her. His note reads: "Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850, and a Mercedes 600 SL, in my garage. I have over twenty five million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. Yours faithfully Specs xx
 
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from a male perspective.....

At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story.
At 78 - If you can get out of bed, that's another story.
 
An Oldie but still relevant.It's important to have a woman who

= helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

= who can make you laugh.

= you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

= is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

and it is vital these four women never meet.
 
I came home after a night out with work.

"You're early," my wife sneered. "I thought you'd be out all night flirting with that slag Tracy."

"Actually, she invited me back to her place, but I said there's no point going for a burger when I can have steak at home."

"Aww, you do love me really, don't you..."

"Shut up and cook me a steak."
 
two queers are at the fairground.

one says " i want to have a go on that big wheel before we go".

his boyfriend says " OK, but i'm not. i still feel sick from the big dipper".

so, the 1st queer goes up on the big wheel, and it goes round and round, but suddenly goes out of control and goes faster and faster, till it's a blur. eventually, centrifugal force wins and the queer comes flying off to land on the concrete. SPATT!. his friend rushes over and cries " are you hurt?" to which his boyfriend replies " of course i'm hurt. i went round 15 times and you never waved once".
 

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