A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

[SIZE=+1]
A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man
bought his wife a £250 see-through nightgown.
Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the
nightgown was still in the box downstairs. Walking naked through the
house, she passed her husband who said, "My word, for £250 they
could've at least ironed it!" [/SIZE]

 

[specs]

[SIZE=+1]
A primary school teacher in the Bronx decided to see if city kids knew
what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to raise their hands
if they knew the correct sounds.
"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.
Mary put her hand up and said, "Mooooo!"
"Very good," replied the teacher. "What sound does a sheep make?"
"Baaaa," answered Billy.
She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig
make?"
All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response.
She chose little Tyrone at the back of the class.
He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall,
mutha-fluker!" [/SIZE]

 

[specs]

[SIZE=+1]
A man went to his boss's costume party with nothing on but a naked
woman on his back.
"What the hell are you supposed to be?" the boss asked.
"I'm a snail," the man replied.
"What a load of crap!" his boss spat. "How can you be a snail when all
you've got is that naked woman on your back?"
"You've got it wrong," the man replied. "That's Michelle." [/SIZE]

- - - Updated - - -

 

[specs]

President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one
of his aides nervously approach him.
"What is it?" yells the President.
"It's this abortion bill, Mr. President. What do you want to do about
it?" the aide asks.
"Just go ahead and pay it." responds the President.

 

[specs]

[h=1] [/h]
[SIZE=+1]
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when
an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives
the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks
away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"
"Oh" replies the husband, "that was my mistress." "That's it," says
the wife, "I want a divorce."
"Ok," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce there
will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the
Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But, the
decision is yours."
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant
with a gorgeous woman. "Who is that woman with Jim?" she asks.
"That's his mistress," replies her husband. "Ours is much better
looking." says the wife.[/SIZE]

 

[specs]

[h=1] [/h]
[SIZE=+1]
One day I go to Toronto and stay in a bigga hotel.
I go down to eat soma breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna two
****a toast. She bring me only one ****.
I tella her I wanna two ****; she say, go to toilet - I say, you no
understand, I wanna two **** on my plate. She say you betta no **** on
plate, you sonna ma b*tch! I don't even know lady, she calla me somma
ma b*tch.
Then I go to pharmacia with a cougha. The man he give me candy ana
tell me fa cough! - I don't even know man ana he tella me FA COUGH!
Later I got to eat soma lunch at Ricky's Place, the waitress she bring
me spoon, a knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock - She tell me
everybody wanna fock. I tella her, you no understand, I wanna fock on
table. She say you betta not fock on table you sonna ma b*tch - I not
even know lady ana she call me sonna ma b*tch.
So, I go back to my hotel room, an there's no sheet on my bed. I calla
the manager and tella him I wanna sheet, he tell me go to toilet. So,
I say, you no understand, I wanna sheet on bed. He say you betta not
sheet on bed you sonna ma b*tch. I don't even know man ana he call me
sonna ma b*tch!
I go to check out of hotel and man at desk say peace to you. I say
peace on you too!, you sonna ma b*tch! - I GO BACK TO ITALY!!! [/SIZE]

 

[specs]

[SIZE=+1]
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a
priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red
lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn
coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say,
Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women,
too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man," the priest said.
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How
long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does,"
the man said[/SIZE]

 

[specs]

A woman is in bed with her lover who happens to be her husband's best
friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just
laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she
picks up the receiver. Her lover looks at her and listens, only
hearing her side of the conversation ...
(She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that
you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That
sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye."
She hangs up the telephone, and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies," that was my husband telling me all about the
wonderful time he's having with you on his fishing trip."

 

[specs]

William and Mildred decided to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. William went to the front desk to check them in while Mildred stayed with the car. As he was leaving the lobby, a young woman dressed in a very short skirt introduced herself as Candie. William brushed her off.

When William and Mildred got to their room, he told her that he'd been approached by a prostitute.

"I don't believe you," laughed Mildred.

"I'll prove it," said William. He called down to the desk and asked for Candie to come to room 1217.

"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us."

Soon, there was a knock on the door. Candie walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. "So, I see you're interested after all," she said.

William asked, "How much do you charge?"

"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."

William was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25."

Candie laughed. "You must really be an old-timer if you think you can buy sex for that price."

"Well," said William, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."

After she left, Mildred came out of the bathroom. "I just can't believe it."

William said, "Let's go have a drink and forget it. "

Back downstairs at the bar, the old couple sipped their cocktails.

Candie came up behind William, pointed at Mildred, and said, "See what you get for $25?"

 

[specs]

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and
the bees.
"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, bursting into tears.
Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.
"Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "For me there was no Santa Claus at age six,
no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're
telling me now that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing
left to believe in!"

 

[specs]

[h=1] [/h]
[SIZE=+1]
Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them
slices her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, one of the men
collapses in agony with both hands in his crotch. She runs to him
apologizing profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist and
can help ease his pain.
"No thanks... just give me a few minutes... I'll be fine..." he
replies quietly with his hands still between his legs. Taking it upon
herself to help the poor man, she gently undoes the front of his pant
and starts massaging his genitals.
"Doesn't that feel better?" she asks.
"Well... yes... That feels pretty good," he admits. "But my thumb
still hurts like hell."[/SIZE]

 

[specs]

[SIZE=+1]
Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject
turned to getting older. The first guy said "Women have all the luck
when it comes to getting older."
"What do you mean?" asked the second guy.
"Well," replied the first. "I can barely remember the last time I got
aroused in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!"
"Healthier? How is that?" his buddy wondered.
"Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed she'd
get these terrible headaches." he answered. "Now that we're older, she
hasn't had a headache in years." [/SIZE]

 

[specs]

In the town square a nasty crowd had gathered, intending to stone to
death a prostitute. From the crowd, Jesus strides forward, holds up
his arms and yells "Let ye without sin cast the first stone!"
The crowd is contrite, for none amongst them can honestly say they are
without sin. Then a little old, withered up woman comes hobbling up,
picks up a good size rock and beans the prostitute right between the
eyes.
Jesus just stands there with his hands on his hips and says,
"Sometimes, Mother, you really plss me off!"

 

[specs]

A guy boards a train bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat.
He immediately notices that the guy next to him has a deeply bruised,
black eye. "Heck, what a coincidence! We both have black eyes! Mind if
I ask how you got yours?"
"Well," explains the man, "I was at the ticket counter and this
gorgeous blonde with beautiful breasts was behind the counter. When I
asked to purchase a ticket to Pittsburgh, I accidentally blurted out
'I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh' and so she sucker-punched me!" The
man continues, "What's your story?"
The other guy explains, "I was at the breakfast table and I meant to
say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties,' but I
accidentally said, 'You ruined my life you stupid bitch.'"

 

[specs]

My son came home from school

 

[specs]

A noted sex therapist realized that people often lie about the
frequency of their encounters, so he devised a test to tell for
certain how often someone had sex.
To prove his theory, he filled up an auditorium with people, and went
down the line asking each person to smile. Using the size of the
person's smile, the therapist was able to guess accurately how often
each person had sex. The last man in line was grinning from ear to
ear.
"Twice a day," the therapist guessed, but was surprised when the man
said no. "Once a day, then?" Again the answer was no. "Twice a week?"
"No."
"Twice a month?"
"No."
When the doctor asked, "Once a year?" the man finally said yes.
The therapist was angry that his theory hadn't worked with this
individual, and he asked the man, "What the heck are you so happy
about?"
The man answered, "Tonight's the night!"

 

[specs]

Man: You've brought religion into my life.

Woman: Really? How?

Man: Until I met you, I didn't believe in Hell

 

[specs]

Three guys talk in a bar. Two discuss how they are king in their castles and how much their wives respect them. The third guy remains quiet.

Finally, one guy turns to the quiet guy and asks, "What about you? do you rule your roost?"

The quiet guy says, "Well, just the other night, my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

"What happened then?" they ask.

"She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'

 

[dan86]

Harold Shipman will be spinning in his grave when he sees how many grannies British Gas murder this winter.

 

[specs]

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a
bikini - "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.
"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he
says.
"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he
stated.
"NO! Get away from me!"
"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered.
She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says,
"I said NO!"
"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he exclaimed.
She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough... and $500
IS a lot of money... "Well, OK... but only for a minute."
She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the
beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he
started saying, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD..." while he was
caressing them.
Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god,
oh my god'?"
While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD... OH MY
GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five
hundred dollars?"