A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[dan86]

I was having a pretty big dump last night and at the highest point of struggle to drop it out, my girlfriend accidentally turned off the light in the toilet.
Immediately I started to scream like crazy, she turned it back on and asked through the door "what's the matter, are you alright"?
With a huge relief, I replied: "Nothing, I'm fine, I just thought my eyes popped out".

 

[specs]

One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset.

You are a disrespectful pig! she cried. How dare you do this to me! Im a faithful wife, the mother of your children! Im leaving you. I want a divorce right away!

The husband replied, Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.

Go ahead, she sobbed, but theyll be the last words youll say to me!

So the husband began, Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadnt eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. You know, the ones you wouldnt eat because youre afraid youll put on weight.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans... you know.. the ones you've had for a few years, but dont wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, you know... the ones you dont wear because I dont have good taste. Oh and I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas... you know... the one you dont wear just to annoy her. And I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique... you know... the ones you dont wear because someone at work has the same.

The husband took a quick breath and continued, She was so grateful for my help that as I walked her to the door, with tears in her eyes she asked

Do you have anything else that your wife doesnt use?

 

[Guest111]

an old electrician dies and is buried in the cemetery with his wife who died some years earlier,the headstone is a bit wobbly so after the burial a gravedigger ties a rope from it to a tree to support it.The following week 2 of his mates are walking through the cemetery when one spots the line from the headstone,blimey fred,s quick isn, t he ,only been down there a week and already got a phone in.

 

[Silly Sausage]

A new Muslim version of Playboy has just been unveiled...

 

[telectrix]

there was tis prostitute, working in the leper colony, but she left because trade was dropping off.

 

[specs]

Mr. Dickson, the science teacher, asked his 4th graders one day if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole.

Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers. They came back the next day and still no one knew the answer.

"Look," said Mr. Dickson while holding his index finger against his thumb, forming a little "zero."

"This is one hole, my nose has 2 holes, and I can put my hand over my nose and make my nose holes appear inside this other hole."

"Aaaaaaahhhhhh," said the children.

The next day, Little Johnny stood up and said, "Mr. Dickson, my daddy wants to know if you know how to put 7 holes in 1 hole.

"Hmmmm," he thought, "How can you put 7 holes in 1? Well, I'll be darned; I don't know how to do that. Um, did your father tell you how to?"

"Yes," said Little Johnny, "You take a flute and shove it up your ---!"

 

[specs]

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...

 

[specs]

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a
woman is their eyes, and woman say the first thing they notice about men is
they're a bunch of liars

 

[specs]

A rather old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language, was planning a weeks holiday in Sydney with her husband, so she wrote to a particular camping ground and asked for a reservation.

She wanted to make sure that the camping ground was fully equipped, but didn't know quite how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself
to write the word "toilet" in her letter.

After much thought, she finally came up with the old fashioned term "Bathroom closet" but when she wrote it down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she started all over again, rewrote the letter, and referred to the bathroom closet as the B.C.

"Does the camping ground have it's own B.C." is what she wrote.

Well, the camping ground owner wasn't a bit old fashioned, and he just couldn't figure out what the old lady was talking about, so he showed the letter around a few of the campers and the only thing they could come up with was that B.C. stood for Baptist Church, so he wrote the following reply.

Dear Madam,

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of our camping ground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time.

I admit that it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of campers go there and many take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive nice and early and stay quite late.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that there is a special supper planned there to raise money to buy more seats so that everyone will be able to sit in comfort.

I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part, just that I am so busy most of the time.

As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort to go, especially in the cold weather. If you decide to come down to our camping ground perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks.

Remember this is a very friendly community

 

[specs]

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying flowers.

The redhead sighs and says, "Oh ****, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"

The redhead replies, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says: "Haven't you got a vase?"

 

[specs]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. " IRS."

 

[specs]

[h=1] Unfaithful Wives [/h]
[SIZE=+1]
Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the
electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under
our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the
plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't
mine."
Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both
his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under
our bed."
[/SIZE]

 

[specs]

[h=1] Two Rabbits [/h]
[SIZE=+1]
There were these two rabbits, Barry and Fred. They were being tested
in a laboratory and after a few losses of hair and half of their teeth
missing they decide to try and escape.
They make this great plan and the next thing they knew, they were out
in the counrtyside smelling the grass and generaly having a good time.
After a bit Barry gets in a bit of a mood.
"Why are you in such a mood" says Fred.
Barry in a sulky mood says "Well you know that laboratory we were at,
well I'm starting to miss that place"
Fred in disbelief says "What, are you mad. That place is a dump. I've
got more injection holes on my body than pores!"
"Yeah I know " says Barry "But I'm killing for a smoke." [/SIZE]

 

[specs]

[SIZE=+1]
Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At
the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them
to their separate rooms.
The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a
certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date.
His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he
hears cries of ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH! all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?".
The first whispers back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't
get an erection".
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I
couldn't even get on the bed!" [/SIZE]

 

[specs]

[SIZE=+1]
Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and
said, "I've got to take a $hit."
The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and $hit."
The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ---." The
other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"
The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea--
I'll use that!"
He left and came back with $hit all over his hands and clothes.
His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to
you?"
The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your --- with 3
quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?" [/SIZE]

 

[specs]

[h=1] [/h]
[SIZE=+1]
A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed
him that he was not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons.
After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove
he wasn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor.
As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and
sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups.
He looks at him for a minute and then kicks him in the ribs saying,
"Fella, I think your girl friend has gone home." [/SIZE]

 

[specs]

[h=1] [/h]
[SIZE=+1]
On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes Benz
into a gas station in a remote part of the island.
The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Newfoundland manner,
completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Mornin' bye" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out out of his shirt pocket onto the
ground.
"What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires the Newfie.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving" says Tiger.
"Freeckin Jaysus" says the Newfie, "Dem boys at Mercedes tink of
everything". [/SIZE]

 

[specs]

My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled
in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
"I got in a tiff with Riley."
"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised.
"He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."
"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"
"Aye, that I did--Mrs. Riley's left ---." Kelly said. "And a beautiful
thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"

 

[specs]

A Texan went to Chicago, where he thought he would buy a new "city"
outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and, when asked by a sweet young
woman if she could help him, he answered, "Yes, ma'am. Ya see, I'm
from Texas, and I want to buy a complete city outfit."
Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"
"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?"
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Size 53 tall, ma'am."
"Wow, that's really big."
"Yes, ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?" she asked.
He replied, "How about some shoes?"
"What size?"
"Size 15 double D."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?"
"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Nineteen and a half neck, size 38," he replied.
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
"Will there be anything else?" she asked.
"Yes, ma'am. I spect I'll need a hat."
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Eight and five-eighths."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
The woman virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can
do for you?"
"No, ma'am , I reckon that will be all."
As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill and as the Texan counted
his money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you a question?"
"Yes, ma'am, I already know what it is. And the answer is four
inches."
Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"
Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, "From the floor,
ma'am?"

 

[specs]

After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for
a late-night drink. "You can't make any noise," she warned him. "My
parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us."
Things started getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol
got the better of the man. "I have to go," he said.
"Well you can't go upstairs. The bathroom is right next to my parents'
bedroom," she replied. "Use the kitchen sink."
So he dutifully retired to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he popped
his head around the door and asked, "Do you have any toilet paper, or
should I just use a paper towel?"