A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and
she told her grandmother about it.
Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young
boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but
don't let him do that."
She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going
to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his
hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him
do that.
Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try
to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like
that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date
and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.
The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the
old lady said.
She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he
tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

 

[specs]

There's an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who
kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I
hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone
who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the
priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest
arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in
town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about
having fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new
priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at
the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your
wife fell three times this week."

 

[steve50]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] GOOD FOR A LAUGH ........... ENJOY HONEYMOON.... A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. "I had tolio as a child," he answered. "You mean polio?" she asked. "No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes." When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked "What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!" "As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained. "You mean measles?" she asked. "No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees." The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear. "Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess... Smallcox [/FONT]

 

[specs]

[h=1] [/h]
[SIZE=+1]
Morris walks into Dr. Cohen's office and puts a note on the table in
front of the doctor. The note reads, "I can't talk. Please help me!"
The doctor thinks for a while and says to Morris, "Put your penis on
the table here."
Morris thinks this is a bit weird, but Cohen is a specialist, so he
does as the doctor says.
The doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits Morris's penis as hard as he
can.
The man cries in great agony, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
The doctor says, "Good. Come again tomorrow, and we'll learn B!"[/SIZE]

 

[specs]

Woman
[SIZE=+1]
Workplace Hazardous materials Information System
Substance: Women
Chemical system: Wow
Manufacturer: God
Typical Size: Average weight 115 lbs; specimens can vary from 90 to
200 lbs.
Occurrence: Large quantities found in urban areas and shopping malls.
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
1. Surface Tension - Soft and warm
2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically enhanced.
3. Boils at nothing.
4. Freezes without reason.
5. Melts with special reason.
6. Flavour initially sweet, becomes bitter if used incorrectly.
7. Found in various states of purity from virgin metal to common ore.
8. Yields to pressure applied at certain points.
9. Sometimes enlarges alarmingly with age.
10. Even brief linking with male substance can cause substance to
reproduce with marked physical and mental changes.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1. Has affinity for gold, silver and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantity of expensive substances.
3. Highly volatile for reasons not clearly understood.
4. Verbal activity greatly increased by alcohol saturation.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known.
COMMON USES
1. Highly ornamental.
2. Relatively brief exposure can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Pleasurable companion until legally owned.
SUBSTANCE VERIFICATION
1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when observed in natural state.
2. Turns green when compared to better specimens.
HAZZARDS
1. May explode spontaneously without cause.
2. Illegal to possess more than one specimen at a time.
3. Avoid specimen contact with plastic credit cards [/SIZE]

 

[telectrix]

Mark Gungor - Men's Brain Women's Brain - YouTube

 

[specs]

[h=1] [/h]
[SIZE=+1]
A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off
a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and
decided to nap against a tree.
As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they
found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under
his kilt."
She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that
he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved!
Let's thank him for sharing!"
She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the
Scotsman's endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the
call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of
the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I
don't know where y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst
prrrize!" [/SIZE]

 

[specs]

As I waited for my blind date, this woman came and sat down at my table, "Hello, you must be Mike, I recognised you from your picture."

"Oh, yes, you must be Kate's mum, pleased to meet you, is she not well or something?"

 

[specs]

Flaherty never ever learned and would seek the fruits of the grain and the grape at every chance he could. So no wonder that Friday night, the holy of holy times when the work of the week was done, found him legless as usual and happily traipsing home with Billy McGee. As they sang and shuffled along O'Connell Street they were confronted by a very large policeman.
'Now my fine fellows,' he glowered. 'Would you be telling me where you live?'
'Well,' said McGee, 'I live at no fixed abode.' 'And I,' added Flaherty, 'live in the flat above!'

 

[specs]

[h=3][/h]A scuffle started in the local one Friday night. Words were exchanged, then insults and finally blows. Bottles, glasses, people, flew through the air and Casey ended up being hit in the face by a sharp piece of glass which cut off his nose. 'Stick his nose back on and hold it with your hand,' ordered McGinty. 'And we'll get him to the hospital.' Out into the street they flew to be greeted by sheets of rain pelting down. Quickly they bundled the injured man along and into the casualty department. 'Will he live?' inquired the boys. Too late,' said the doctor, 'he's a goner.' 'Was it loss of blood?' asked Finbar. 'No, he drowned. You put his nose on upside down,' sighed the doc

 

[Silly Sausage]

Police are appealing to the Public to report anybody heard or smelt to be excessively farting...
BBC News - Thousands of Heinz baked beans tins stolen

 

[Earthstore]

Police are appealing to the Public to report anybody heard or smelt to be excessively farting...
BBC News - Thousands of Heinz baked beans tins stolen

Hell, it must have been me.... I have been farting like a butchers dog all afternoon...

 

[telectrix]

also on the crimewatch programme was an article about all the toilet pans at new scotland yard had been nicked. detective chief inspector cyril plod says that the investigation team have nothing to go on.

 

[Earthstore]

Two other blokes were arrested, one for drinking battery acid, the other for eating fireworks... they charged the first but let second one off...

 

[tidyboiler]

I must get out more!

 

[tidyboiler]

Ain't this the truth.............

 

[tidyboiler]

Thought I'd get this in before Geordie does!!!!rrr:

 

[steve50]

A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he's doing a show
in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going
through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts
shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you
think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the
colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's
men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the
community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like
you that make others think that all Blondes are dumb! You and your kind
continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women
in general...pathetically all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:

"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little **** on your lap."

 

[dan86]

Clocks go back this weekend.

Good job I kept the receipts.

 

[dan86]

I can't see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.

If HP make the cartridges it will be cheaper buying an AK-47.