A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[dan86]

Councils say they're losing £30 million a year in unpaid parking fines.

If they halve the cost of a fine, they'll only lose £15 million.

 

[Spoon]

Councils say they're losing £30 million a year in unpaid parking fines.

If they halve the cost of a fine, they'll only lose £15 million.

Good one. Saw this last night on FB. One of my mates had posted it. Was going to post it this morning but hey....

 

[specs]

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."

Mary answers, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

 

[specs]

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''

''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.
''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.

''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of ****!''

 

[specs]

Five surgeons were talking about the best patients...

First surgeon says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything on the inside is numbered."

Second surgeon says, "Nah - librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

Third surgeon responds, "Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is color coded!"

Fourth surgeon intercedes," I prefer lawyers.They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and butts are interchangeable."

To which the fifth surgeon, who has been quietly listening to the conversation, says, "I like engineers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."

 

[specs]

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died leaving me $50,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued the friend, "nothing!"

 

[specs]

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.

Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"

"Absolutely not," he said.

"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."

"Season's more than half over," he said.

 

[specs]

A guy was meeting a friend in a bar, and as he walked in he noticed two pretty girls looking at him. He heard one girl say to the other; “Nine.” Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his buddy at the bar and told him that the girl in the corner had just rated him a nine out of ten. “Sorry to spoil your evening,” said his friend, “but when I walked in they were speaking German.

 

[specs]

The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier: “I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning.”
“Thank you very much, sir.”

 

[dan86]

Fred Flintstone took his car into a garage.

"What seems to be the problem?" asked the mechanic.

"I think there's something wrong with my feet."

 

[specs]

There were four University sophomores taking chemistry and all of them, so far, had 'A's. These four friends were so confident that on the weekend before finals, they decided to visit friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to school until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final, they decided they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied all night for the exam.

The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They each answered the first problem, worth 5 points, quickly. Cool, they thought! Each one, in separate rooms, thought this was going to be easy. Then they turned the page. On the second page was written...

For 95 points: Which tire? _________

 

[dan86]

I went to Mecca bingo with my mate Paddy last night.

As they were calling out the numbers for the £250,000 jackpot, he looked at me and said, " Daniel, I only need 13."

"jesus christ," I replied, "Best of luck!"

Suddenly the caller announced '1 & 3 unlucky for some, 13'

I stood up and shouted, "Wooohooo!!!"

"Calm down," said Paddy, "I still need 12 more."

 

[specs]

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bitShe touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?"

"No," said the little boy............."It's a puppy!"

 

[specs]

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home.

When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door to his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"

"Why do you say that?" he asks innocently.

"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."

 

[Guest111]

A blokes pregnant wife gets a craving for snails at 8 pm,and asks her husband to pop to the local deli to get some,he get's the snails and on the way back decides to have a quick one in the pub.Well one leads to two and two leads to a couple more and before he realises it's eleven o'clock and he's half cut,he staggers home and halfway down the drive drops the snails all over the floor,the door opens and there's his wife glaring at him,the man looks at her then at the snails "come on lads nearly there"

 

[Guest111]

I was walking back from the pub the other night when I saw one of my neighbours struggling with this massive pig on his drive,I went over and he asked me to help him get it in the house,we got it in and as I was about to leave he asked my to help him get it upstairs into the bath! We got it in and I asked him what the hell he was doing with a pig in the bath."well" he said "the wife's a bit of a know all,I came home a while ago and told her they'd just announced on the radio that William and Kate had had a baby boy,she said I know." then he said " I came home the other night and said "there's just been a bloke run over at the top of the road,she said I know,well tomorrow morning she always gets up before me,she'll go into the bathroom find the pig and run into the bedroom screaming THERE'S A PIG IN THE BATH! and I'm gonna say yeah I know"

 

[specs]

Text to Mom.... Mom I have my boyfriends --- in my hair shall I have to cut it out or will it wash out ?



Text to Daughter.... I have had plenty of --- in my hair my dear and it has always washed out so don't cut it.




Text to Mom.... Mom I meant GUM

 

[specs]

Having an Irish mixed grill !! New potatoes, roast potatoes, boiled potatoes, mashed potatoes, waffles and hash browns with chips

 

[specs]

My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive.
Apparently the response of "don't worry babe, your ---- cover it" wasn't the answer she was looking for.

 

[specs]

A couple get married,Forty years later, they're in the same hotel room they spent their honeymoon in. She takes off her clothes, lies down on the bed, spreads her legs.... and he starts to cry. She says,
"What's the matter?"
He says, "Forty years ago, I couldn't wait to eat it, and now it looks like it can't wait to eat me."