A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

CANCEL YOUR CREDIT CARD BEFORE YOU DIE ....... JUST PRICELESS

Reported in the Newcastle Evening Chronicle Recently:
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless. And so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!

A lady died this last September, and MBNA bank billed her in October and November for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then in December added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.
The balance that had been £0.00, now is somewhere around - £60.00.

A family member rang MBNA:

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you that my grandmother died in September.'

MBNA: 'But the account was never closed and so the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to your collections section.'

MBNA: 'Since it is two months over due, it already has been.'

Family Member: 'So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

MBNA: 'Either report her account to the Frauds Department or report her to The Credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be upset with her?'

MBNA: 'Excuse me?'

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you . . The part about her being dead?'

MBNA: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm phoning to tell you, she died in September.'
MBNA: 'But the account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

MBNA: (Stammer) 'Are you her solicitor?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her grandson'

MBNA: 'Could you fax us a death certificate?'

Family Member: 'no problem.'

( fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

MBNA: 'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member: 'Well, if you sort it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'

MBNA: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'

Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'

MBNA: 'That would help.'

Family Member: ' Plot 1049.' Heaton Cemetery, Heaton Road , Newcastle upon Tyne

MBNA: 'But, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'Well, what the Hell do you do with dead people on your planet?'

The MBNA were not available for comment when a reporter from the Newcastle Evening Chronicle rang them

 

[specs]

Judy : I fail to understand what makes men so scared of commitment!

Vinnie : You are telling me! I dated this guy for a two years, and finally had to give him an ultimatum.

Judy: What did you tell him?

Vinnie: I just told him, "Look, you better tell me your last name, or its quits!"

 

[Silly Sausage]

MBNA, I remember that story. I'm never failed to be amazed at human stupidity!

 

[dan86]

I made a video of me speaking in an Indian accent and uploaded it on Youtube.

Next morning when I checked my emails, I had job offers from 12 call centres.

 

[dan86]

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[Kamikaze]

Two Chinese dudes break into a distillery.

One turns to the other and says. "Is this whiskey?"

The other one says. "Yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank!"

 

[dan86]

This is top secret. (don't tell this to anyone)

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This is bottom secret. (don't tell this either)

 

[specs]

Joe was a house keeper who had this habit of drinking from his boss’s liquor bottle and replacing it with water. The boss, James, did suspect him but tolerated it for a while. But when this became a daily routine, James decided to do something to trap Joe.

Accordingly, James replaced his drink with a French wine which changed color when water was added to it. Joe, not aware of the trap, took a few swigs and added water as usual. The wine changed color from red to milky white. Joe realized he was in for trouble but was determined to get out of it.

James told his wife about Joe’s misdoings and that he would make Joe accept his follies. So he shouted: “Joe? “

Joe answered from the kitchen: “Yes boss?”

James: “Who drank my wine and added water in the bottle?” There was no answer from the kitchen. The boss repeated the question, still no answer. The angry boss marched to the kitchen and threatened Joe, “What the hell is going on? When I call your name you respond with ‘Yes Boss’ and when I ask you a question, you remain silent. What impertinence?”

Joe said: “It is like this. In the kitchen, you can hear only your name being called. You don’t hear anything else that is said, I swear.”

James: “How is that possible? All right, I will prove you wrong. You stay right here in the hall with Madam, I will go to the kitchen and you ask me a question, OK?” So the boss went to the kitchen.

Joe shouted: “Boss?”

Boss: “Yes Joe?"

Joe: “Who becomes intimate with the maid in Madam’s absence?”

Silence - no reply.

Joe again: “Who made the maid pregnant?”

No reply.

Joe, yet again: “And who arranged for her abortion?”

James came running from the kitchen and said: “By George, you are right. When one is in kitchen, one can’t hear anything but one’s name. That’s strange!”

 

[specs]

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting and he was reading the latest issue of Farmer's Weekly. He looked up from the page and said to her,
"Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied,
"Oh yes? Prove it."

He frowned for a moment, then said, "Okay."
He then got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

About a half an hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed,
"Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig was squealing, I couldn't be sure."

 

[specs]

A mother visits her son for Thanksgiving and is suprised to find out he has a female roommate named Jennifer. Despite her suspicions, the two assure the mother that they are just friends. After the mom leaves, the ladle disappears. The young man emails his mother the following:

Dear Mom,

We're not saying you "did" take the ladle, we're not saying you "did not" take the ladle. All we're saying is that it's been missing since you left.

The mom replies:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying you "do" sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying you "do not" sleep with Jennifer. All I'm saying is if Jennifer were sleeping in her own bed, she would've found the ladle

 

[specs]

A Romanian, an Arab,​ And a Yorkshire Lass are​ In the same bar.​ When the Romanian​ Finishes his beer,​ He throws his glass​ In the air, pulls Out ​ His pistol, and Shoots​ The glass To pieces.​ He says, 'In Romania,​ Our glasses are so​ Cheap we don't need​ to drink with the Same one twice.'​ The Arab, obviously​ Impressed by this,​ Drinks non-alcohol beer​ ​ Throws it into the​ Air, pulls out his​ AK-47, and shoots​ The glass to pieces.​ He says, 'In the​ Arab World, we have​ So much sand to make​ Glasses that we don't​ Need to drink with​ The same one twice either.'​ The Yorkshire Lass,> ​ Cool as a cucumber,​ Picks up her beer,​ Downs it in one gulp,​ Throws the glass into​ The air, whips out her​ 45, and shoots the​ Romanian and the Arab. Catching her glass,​ Setting it on the bar, ​ and calling​ For a refill,​ She says, 'In Yorkshire,​ We have so many​ Illegal immigrants that​ We don't have to​ Drink with the same ones twice.'​ God Bless Yorkshire !!​

 

[shagbite]

A mother visits her son for Thanksgiving and is suprised to find out he has a female roommate named Jennifer. Despite her suspicions, the two assure the mother that they are just friends. After the mom leaves, the ladle disappears. The young man emails his mother the following:

Dear Mom,

We're not saying you "did" take the ladle, we're not saying you "did not" take the ladle. All we're saying is that it's been missing since you left.

The mom replies:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying you "do" sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying you "do not" sleep with Jennifer. All I'm saying is if Jennifer were sleeping in her own bed, she would've found the ladle

eh?? I don't get it.

 

[ian.settle1]

eh?? I don't get it.

Are you real????????????????

 

[Darkwood]

eh?? I don't get it.

Go ask a grown up!

 

[shagbite]

hahaha!

i'm starting to feel a bit of a prat............i've just read it another three times and it's going straight over my head!!

what am i missing?

 

[shagbite]

why would she have found the ladle in her bed??

 

[shagbite]

aahhh!

did the mum put the ladle in jennifer's bed?

 

[Darkwood]

why would she have found the ladle in her bed??

OMFG lol.... they tell the mother they are just friends i.e. sleeping in their own beds .... the mother pinches the ladle and hides it in the girls bed ...if she was sleeping in her own bed she would have found it but because she's with him in his bed they both think the mother still has the ladle.... she called their bluff!!! Your no Sherlock TBH lol

 

[Darkwood]

aahhh!

did the mum put the ladle in jennifer's bed?

arty:arty:arty:

 

[shagbite]

cheers darkwood - you've done wonders for my self esteem!!

you're right though, i am a bit slow on the uptake sometimes.

(rubbish joke by the way).