These are genuine clips from UK Council flat

[trev]

School excuses
My son is under a doctor's care and cannot do PE today. Please execute him.
Please excuse lisa for being absent, she was sick and I had her shot
Please excuse Jimmy for being, it was his father's fault
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday, she was in bed with gramps

 

[James Dalby]

haha quality!

 

[rsp84]

Lmao, I was crying through those

 

[shannonwells830]

Hahaha,,,this made me laugh big time.

 

[hermetic]

I did have a little old lady came into my shop and asked me if I could put a light up her back passage, and when we all fell about laughing, she said, I don't know what you're all laughing at, (pointing to me) he's been up my back passage loads of times, so he knows how dark it is!! When we recovered we informed her that a bulkhead fitting in the alley would be no problem.

 

[Guest111]

some of those were classic from jasper carrott still makes me laugh years later,there was the other one "he was all over the road I had to swerve several times before I hit him" another " I thought the side window was down but it was up,as I found out when I put my head through it".If you go on youtube there are loads of jasper carrott stuff.

 

[taxitucker1]

lol love the farmer one

 

[bigbaddave]

A sign Near a leisure centre in South Shields "Slow! Pedestrians Hump In Road"
It has since been removed sadly

That sounds like Whitley Bay to me.. Lol

 

[vjsmarwick]

Best one I ever heard was a guy that had been having a drink got a call to go pick up his son from the railway station late one night so he set off with his friend with him and got to a big round about and after missing his turn off after his second time around he decided to reverse as he had never seen another car all night. He had just reversed a few feet when BANG another car hit him from behind suddenly a police car also arrived and spoke to the car behind first then came to his window and knocked. He rolled down his window and the copper said there ain't any damage to your car so you may as well go this idiot behind you must be ****ed he is claiming you reversed in to him. So the guy thanked the copper rolled up his window and drove off.