A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[Guest77]

One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex. The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops. “What are you doing, Mommy?” The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer. “Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.” The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.” The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?” The little girl replies, “Because mommy, everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”

 

[specs]

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

I would have given him 100% for his wit!!!



Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?* his last battle



Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?* at the bottom of the page



Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?* liquid



Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?* marriage



Q5. What is the main reason for failure?* exams



Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?* Lunch & dinner



Q7. What looks like half an apple?* The other half



Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?* It will simply become wet



Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?* No problem, he sleeps at night.



Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..



Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?* Very large hands



Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?* No time at all, the wall is already built.



Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?* Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

 

[specs]

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

I would have given him 100% for his wit!!!



Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?* his last battle



Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?* at the bottom of the page



Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?* liquid



Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?* marriage



Q5. What is the main reason for failure?* exams



Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?* Lunch & dinner



Q7. What looks like half an apple?* The other half



Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?* It will simply become wet



Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?* No problem, he sleeps at night.



Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..



Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?* Very large hands



Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?* No time at all, the wall is already built.



Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?* Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.





STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM
I'm sure ive posted this before, but what the hell, it doesnt count in my 'post count' so it doesnt count

 

[specs]

In Australia, the curbside garbage carts are called "wheelie bins."
A garbage collector is driving along a Sydney street picking up the

wheelie bins and emptying them into his rubbish truck.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out.

In the spirit of kindness and after having a quick look about

for the bin, he gets out of his truck, goes to the front door and knocks.
There's no answer.
Being a conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.

Eventually, a Japanese man comes to the door.
"Harro!" says the Japanese man.
"G'day mate, where's ya' bin?" asks the collector.
"I bin on toilet," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.
"No mate, where's ya' dust bin?"
"I dust been to toilet, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.
"Listen," says the garbage collector. "You're misunderstanding me. I mean,
where's ya' wheelie bin?'"
"OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the
collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!!!"

 

[specs]

Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new
drug for depressed lesbians.. It's called Trydixagain.

 

[specs]

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lotto!
I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls

 

[telectrix]

school photo i bradford

no comment

 

[specs]

Home milk deliveries still happen in some areas we have been told, but the ‘older brigade’ will no doubt recall both milk and bread had regular home deliveries.



Enjoy, here is a collection of notes left in milk bottles....



** Dear milkman: I've just had a baby, please leave another one.



** Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.



** Cancel one pint after the day after today.



** Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.



** Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.



** Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.



** Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.



** Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.



** Sorry about yesterday's note, I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.



** When you leave my milk please knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.



** Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea?



** My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?



** Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.



** Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.



** Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.



** From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.



** My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.



** Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday..



** Milkman, please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS Don't leave any milk.



** No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice

 

[specs]

Barack Hussein Obama was concerned about his future so he went to a fortune teller and asked her about it.

The fortune teller gazed into her crystal ball and said: "You will die on a Jewish Holiday."

Obama asked: "Which one?"

The fortune teller replied: "Doesn't matter. Whatever date you die on will become a Jewish Holiday."

 

[specs]

Guy: Can I buy you a drink? Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs. Guy: Do they swell? Girl: No. They spread

 

[specs]

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on TV and Radio


1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator –
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator –
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator –
'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 –
'Ah, isn't that nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew..'

5. US PGA Commentator –
'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ........
Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said:
'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

 

[specs]

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of
furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he
could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and
selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To
celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and
have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the
small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table
was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table;
asked him something in French (which Murphy couldn't understand); so
he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried
to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After
a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a
napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She
nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another
napkin and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded..
They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small
group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took
another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and
they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band
was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture
of a four-poster bed.

To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the
furniture business

 

[Barry White]

Wife says to me "I will put the Christmas tree up myself then"

I replied "put it where you like you kinky bitch"

 

[steve50]

The Will



Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he

begins to speak:

My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses." My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre." "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential

buildings on the banks of the river."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says,

"Mrs.Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property ? .... the ------- had a paper round.

 

[steve50]

THE LEGAL SYSTEM!!

​

​

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Greece; but the custody of their children posed a problem.​

​

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.​

​

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.​

​

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied:​

​

"Your Honour, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"​

​

​

DON'T LAUGH...... HE WON!!
​

 

[specs]

A painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.

Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Doolin in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude.

This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, and she was willing to pay up to £10,000.

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.

In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay.

"I'll paint you in the nude all right, but I have to at least leave me socks on so I have a place to wipe me brushes."....................

 

[specs]

http://i14.photobucket.com/albums/a...10152291273839889_979055287_n_zps1b1b4333.jpg

 

[specs]

Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter look ed at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The Paddy replied, 'These are Carols.

 

[telectrix]

a contradiction of terms....... " American Intelligence"

 

[Besoeker]

Viewer discretion advised....

[video=youtube;73CovZEs0IM]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=73CovZEs0IM[/video]