Mental health in the electrical industry

[OnlQQker]

Wow that was! a hard read, hope you are better now and in a good place, depression leading to suicide is not something I understand the turmoil that leads to it must be so overwhelming to think that the only way out is to switch off, I feel for those that are left behind, what must they think, how did I not notice? how could I have helped?

Sorry Mike, only just noticed your post and it's a good point.

A tell tale sign that nobody really noticed was starting to give things away, stuff that had once meant something to me, like a really really old clock my Grandad had given me, or something as silly as a Gyro Spinner that I was always walking around with spinning way before all of this.
On top of this my mood changed dramatically.
I appeared more positive around family/friends within the last 6 months of my attempt date.

Things that used to bother me no longer was important, so where I might of shown an interest in say playing the piano/keyboards I no longer touched it. Yes people would ask why I wasn't any longer playing it and I would say that I was just to busy working.
It did amaze me that people believed this, because I was sat in a small dark room after work doing nothing.. Sit on a laptop and put music on that could be heard, but have 10 other windows opening studying the exact science which was to make my attempt 100% successful, so anybody thinking that I was listening to upbeat music from outside the room would automatically think I was totally ok, suicide is extremely devious ground, you do kind of know it is going to destroy people that you leave behind, but stronger than all of this is the thought you are no longer going to be here so it's not your problem.

This is the selfish ground you only see after your whole plan has failed! I guess it is pretty impossible to see before hand because the feeling of you having a complete solution to all of your problems, is just not going to fail anyway!

It's hard for a lot of people to notice things, other people have so much going on in there own lives they hardly really notice, one person every other morning would tell me that Eastender's was on tonight, I hate that tv program but this is what a lot of people do, they plan there day around stuff that has never made any sense to me.

I was working in the day time for no money, I didn't need money, all I had ever done with money in the years before all of this was give it to whoever I was in a relationship with at the time. Money has never had any value to me, it's because I really don't know what an hour of my life would be worth in a financial way.
That might not make much sense, but if I'm here in a life which totals up to lets say 50'000 hours, then I couldn't work out what one of these hours was actually worth.

So to answer how I am today..

I still work for nothing, any money is saved in the kids accounts. They know what happened, they know everything. They knew my plan.
And I would be a liar if I was to say this has not disturbed them in some way, especially my daughter who spent countless hours/days/weeks/months on the phone to every available source there is out there regarding 'suicide'

Yet I had already been down all of those roads myself, for years I had talked to everybody, and I mean everybody, I had took every drug I had been prescribed and self medicated with alcohol as well.
But the thing is it can only change within yourself, it's a bit like trying to talk someone through a seriously difficult electrical problem over the phone and the person your talking too has no understanding of electrics whatsoever.

Some of the things that changed in myself was starting to study Biology on line, and finding the video of 'the zinc spark' on youtube was also a massive game changer, for me it become evidence of first consciousness in life.
Then seeing the same similarities with electrical energy that never ends.

And I started to believe that this cycle never breaks and it's like an infinite loop, and unless I changed my whole thinking patterns then I would be doing this all over again. And because I have always suffered my whole life with Déjà vu, then it suddenly all started to make sense.

This coupled with Rodney out of Only Fools and horse's where he say's if there is such a thing as reincarnation, then I'd probably come back as me, If There Is Such A Thing As Reincarnation Only Fools and Horses Quote - https://onlyfoolsandhorsesquotes.com/if-there-is-such-a-thing-as-reincarnation put the icing on the cake.

I've not read back or edited any of what I have wrote above, there are billions of configurations that lead people to start falling down the pit. I try and help people over on the suicide forum a couple of times a week. Yet if you can intervene before they hit the bottom you stand a good chance of pulling them back out!
But you have to jump back down there first, and that's not easy for anybody that has never been there themselves.

You're kind of looking for what triggered it, in my case it was serious beatings from my father when I was very young up until 12 years old.
Because I would question things, like religion for example, I wanted proof. My old man didn't like questions, everything was as he said it was, end of.
Everything slowly built up from that point internally.



Find the trigger and you stand a chance of pulling them back out.





Ps, I'm in a better place now, thanks for asking!


Pss, this is not easy stuff to talk about so apologies if the above doesn't make sense in places.


Edit, I've never shared this video below online before because it shows my real name.
I originally put it together for myself in those 6 months alone before hand. I only uploaded it this year but it does show exactly where my mind was.
It's unlisted, the 21 views are from myself!
I edited Carl Segan over Hanz Zimmer and tied bits of video together to tell a story that only made sense to myself.

 

[OnlQQker]

I wont keep crashing or bumping this thread, just wanted to add a bit more about 'triggers' in case they are useful to anybody. These I found is the biggest battle anybody could ever have with themselves. And I realise my posts could seem 'very off topic' but I do believe they contain some advice that might help anybody that has fallen/falling into the pit.


Finding my trigger was the hardest thing I have ever searched for in my entire life.


But it took this 'attempt' of mine to even begin looking.

For the first year I was convinced it was down to a relationship break up around a year before I started going drastically downhill.
There was a significant change in my mood.

Then after a few months, I thought 'no' that's not it.

I went back to the point where my mum died in one hospital and my daughter being born in another. When my daughter was born my mum died 2 weeks afterwards. She got to hold my daughter anyway.

So I was up one hospital going through a funeral plan with my mum, then up to the next hospital going through a plan with my wife for our overdue baby girl.
I left that marriage when my daughter was 5 years old. All of this HAD to be the trigger, and for 3 years I believed this 100% to be the point where I fell headfirst into the pit.

But then from nowhere, and just a normal day I suddenly felt scared. All I had done was disagree with somebody on something that I can't even remember what it was.

This set my mind back further and I finally found my trigger.
These beatings from my dad 9 times out of 10 sent me into unconsciousness, as many years went by and aged about 10 years old I actually started looking forward to them. I guess the part of the brain where 'you just do as your told' was missing. I'd just keep questioning things, but quieter. Not that this made any difference.
The beatings knocked me into black, quiet space, temporarily in the moment, for what seemed like days at a time. It was probably only ever out for 10 mins max.

And by 12 years old the damage had been set. Not that I was suicidal, I just lost the plot and embarrassed by Dad in any way that I found possible.
And I believe that approach might have been wrong now.

I've found, whatever you do there is ABSOLUTELY no way you can go back and change any of it.
It is as it is... Past has gone, you can't fix it, future isn't here yet, you can't control it.

And those 2 really do sum up depression and anxiety. And that's the only 2 ingredients needed for every mental health condition out there that they have given names too.
I had the pleasure of meeting all of these conditions in hospital when I was put in there with serious depression. I just didn't want to eat or talk, not to the staff anyway. But I spoke to the patients.
I spoke to all of them and played the piano which was a beat up old thing in the corner, according to the nurse nobody ever played it, it just got sat on, jumped on or carved initials all over it.

Yet these patients were as normal as everybody else to me, though one was convinced he was William Shakespeare and re-enact a scene from a play in the courtyard.
I would just sit on the bench and watch him totally awestruck, his acting skills were amazing, when I asked other patients what they thought of his acting skills they would reply, 'I don't mix with him, he's totally mental'
Yet this all kind of happened when he became 'highly anxious' and I can see how a place like that hospital could make you feel highly anxious, friends and family coming to visit the patients. well I could see how the patients ended up where they were!

Then there was this young girl, barely 18, she had to be drugged against her will daily.
She wouldn't go inside, she was adamant that electricity was going to escape from the wires and consume her, this had all happened after her brother had electrocuted himself. Though he survived, this was her trigger.

Luckily I have quite a basic understanding of electrics. So like a tour guide I would take her around every light socket/power socket, fcu, cu etc etc etc and explain it all to her.
I think the discussion about the RCD finally swayed it, she asked me to the pictures that night, sadly I couldn't find a staff member which would lend us a spare key so we could get back in.




Finding the trigger is the only rope leading anybody out of that dark pit.
How you deal with that trigger when you've found it is down to the person.

For me I will be making plans to get an appointment in my dads church office, and telling him everything and more that I have written on here.
And if he does start preaching God at me and sins etc, etc, well I'm up to a point in my life where I actually think if God ever did visit Earth, well me and him would be mates so what's his problem!

 

[OnlQQker]

Growing up I never went to school, my first lesson in life was from the Groundworkers. I would be dressed in old jeans, jumper and plimsoles digging trenches in the freezing cold and raining like crazy, they would just say, 'don't worry you wont go rusty' and they were right!

The second lesson was from the Bricklayers and the Plasterers, they would say, 'let your eyes be your guide and your pocket your pride' and they were also right, though I failed big time on the pocket thing!

And the third lesson was from the Electricians, this is going back years now and they were called 'Smith & Worman'

What they told me was you must never underestimate electrical power, it is a living force of itself, it can be harnessed and tamed to soften the lights romantically, and play the record player with Barry Manilows version of magic in the background, whilst you get it on with your bit of stuff.
But it also has the potential to leave you in a pile of ashes in an instant if you don't pay it any respect!


The plumbers never said anything though, I reckon they was on the same level as the Groundworkers with the 'you wont go rusty' kind of attitude.


If anybody is reading this that has tried all medication, counselling, alcohol, drugs, etc etc etc, and feels there really is no way out but to end everything, I would just try one last thing first.



Find a place like the 'link in this post' online, that is quite close to where you live.
Go by yourself or take the whole family along, but don't take dogs because there are a lot of cats about.
Nobody says you can't take dogs though, it's just if your Grandma has hold of the dog she might find herself bouncing through the various undergrowth surrounding these places, when the dog chases the cat.

Before I say what these places are, I just happened to walk in one years ago because I am nosey.
The first thing I noticed was the energy levels underneath my feat. The second thing I noticed was nobody ever approached me as I walked though the temple looking at all of the very expensive gold things everywhere.

And the third thing I noticed was the kitchen where I could just help myself to things without asking or still talking to anybody.
Then I left.

And still wander in and out every now and then. But now days I do always take a couple of bags of pulses, a tub of marmite and some cat biscuits as an offering .
You can talk to people if you like, but that's entirely up to yourself. It's the one thing in life you should actually make the effort to go and see.


link in this post


Ps, no need to take your wallet or phone with you