I really have heard it all now

[Guest111]

Ex wife was proper daft,my mate had an old english sheepdog(dulux paint advert) it comes bounding down the street "oh look its one of those durex dogs" said the ex! another time she was out with my brother and they spotted a souped up 3 wheeler,furry dice and tassles around the window,you've seen em furry seat covers etc.Anyway she gets home and tells me how our kid's a lovely bloke and he's been showing her the latest robin reliant GTE TURBO!.

 

[trev]

A thick apprentice this time.
On a barn conversion job once and was talking to one of the labourers, there was a load of stone lying around that the brickies had been using for piecing up. One of these bits had a stihl saw cut in it, when the apprentice came back from getting the sarnies I picked this up and told the labourer that he'd have to tell the gaffer that the site had stone worm. Of course, thick apprentice asked what it was so I made up some crap about worms that eat stone and can cause structural problems.
This went round the site like wildfire with everyone getting into it and telling the apprentice how dangerous it was but you could see that he wasn't completely buying it.
Until we went to another site to supervise some ducting getting laid, during our break one of the brickies mentioned that he had to get a skip on site just for scrapping some lintels because of stone worm infestation.
One made up story sold hook line and sinker to an imbecile

 

[jimmymac]

I got asked to have a look at a faulty shower isolator, usual story, neutral had overheated. It was a 12kW shower on 6mm cable so when I asked the home owner who had installed it he said the name of a local 'handyman'. Apparently the switch burnt out after just a few days and when they rang the 'handyman', he called back, had a look and said 'the water pressure was too high and it was overworking the switch', he suggested 'running the downstairs tap whilst using the shower to reduce the pressure'.........the customer was baffled with the scientific explanation, as was I!

 

[Robotstar5]

If you can't dazzle them with science, baffle them with bulls**t.

 

[Andy78]

Our lass came out with a good one the other weekend. We had parked up in a local town and I had got a pay and display ticket for the car. I didn't have my watch with me so I asked the missus "can you remind us when we have to be back at the car, I've only put an hour on it, we have to be back for half past" She stopped dead as she looked at her watch and shot me an accusing you-got-the-wrong-ticket type of stare. "But Andy, it's half past now !"
I just looked at her until it dawned and her face began to flush crimson with an embarrassed smirk.

 

[Jaxo]

My friend told me this one... He used to work in a small factory and there was a guy who worked there helping out doing little things.. like making tea, cleaning up etc.. one lunchtime the bossasked him "Are you going to the shop for lunch,.. ? Could you get me a stamp and post this letter"? ... A few hours passed and the boss bumped into him again and said "did you get my letter posted"... "Yes" he replied,.. while reaching into his back pocket and "here`s your stamp"
:lol:

 

[moospark]

My sister scored a nice kitchen, impatient as she is, got my Dad to fit it before I chucked new ring in. No problem Sis', them new blue tooth sockets will sort it. Hook, line, and submarine.

 

[Paul.M]

I said this a few times to work mates and friends, it works....

"Do you know thy have taken the word "gullible" out of the English & Oxford dictionary! Have a look when you get home".


It works on so many different levels :rofl:

 

[trev]

I was in a fairly senior role a while back which involved driving a desk part time. I walked through reception one day and there were a few clients in there, the receptionist always answered internal calls on loudspeaker so I gave her a bell.
"Rachel, can you settle an argument for me and a few of the lads please"
"If I can Trev"
"Excellent, cheers. What did they call the ship in Mutiny On The Bounty"
A few seconds pause
"How the hell do you expect me to know"
You could hear muffled sniggers in the background.

A few days later we had some technical guys in from BOC so I asked her to make an announcement over the tannoy that there was a call for a Mr Jarse, first name Hugh.
Nice lass but dozy

 

[Plonker 3]

I said this a few times to work mates and friends, it works....

"Do you know thy have taken the word "gullible" out of the English & Oxford dictionary! Have a look when you get home".


It works on so many different levels :rofl:

On a similar theme told a painter that if you say"gullible" slowly it sounds like oranges, he didn't hear the end of it for days.